Ok a little advice please.?

Question

Me and my husband have been toghether for 5yrs., and we have three kids. And it feels sometimes like we lead separte live. I stay home with the kids while he works. That doesn't bother me but, when he's off from work he does what he wants. I just want him to do things with me. which I know is hard with three kids. I get tired of being home while he's off doin what he wants most of the time. How do I get him reinterested in me and our relationship.

Answer 1

Takes two to tango. You are being treated in the manner in which you expect and accept. You may not like it (and clearly you don't) but you are pretty much condoning it. And as long as you do that, it will continue.

You have had 5 years of pregnancy, pretty much. Looks like you two jumped headfirst into "family" without ever having established a "marriage" between the two of you. (Too late now, but there is a reason people should just be married to each other for awhile before adding children to the mix.) I would guess that your husband is used to you being pregnant and with the children because that is all it has been since you two got married. Now you are going to have to change that.

Can't be done without communication (as your very first responder appropriately noted.) You have to sit down with him and the two of you have to rewrite the logistics of your marriage. First off, although he is the "breadwinner" in the family, that is not his only role. He is also the father and the husband and the lover and the friend. He needs to be reminded that he has those other roles and they have not been abdicated. (You, too, by the way - you may be the "homemaker" but you are also the mother, the wife, the lover and the friend - you may well have been abdicating those roles youyrself.)

You both have to figure out how you are going to juggle all these roles for the next twenty years. Merely because you are the homemaker, it doesn't mean that he doesn't have to do anything around the house. The house is a shared responsibility. Taking care of the daily needs of three toddlers doesn't leave much time for taking care of the house, so those duties need to be shared pretty equally between the two of you. And he needs to spend time with his kids, taking care of their daily needs. So when he gets home, he needs to be prepared to take on the children while you take on dinner. After dinner, he needs to get the children cleaned up and ready for bed while you perhaps pop in a load of laundry and pick up a few things. After the kids are in bed, you two can clean the kitchen together and talk about things. This is the kind of share responsibility the two of you need to work out.

You need to keep yourself up and presentable. Make sure your bedroom is an oasis of calm - many parents make the mistake of giving over the entire house to the children. Not a good thing. Your bedroom should be off limits to the children so it is a refuge for the two of you. It is YOUR place - for the two of you. He needs to respect the bedroom as your shared space for the two of you. In there, you two should be friends and lovers more than husband and wife.

You two might want to work out the weekend schedule in general. For example - each of you gets to sleep in one of the two days while the other gets up and gets the kids fed and ready for the day. The two of you should be putting the house together after the hectic week (playpens are good for this) and the two of you should take the children out to the playground together.

Really, you BOTH have three children, he no longer gets to have all the time to do what "he wants" now. No more than you do. And if you two agree that you BOTH should have some outside time for what you like to do independently, then you need to work together for set a schedule which would allow for that. But you have to agree on the parameters.

Best thing is for the two of you to have weekly - or bi-weekly - dates. Yes, even as small as your children are, you need to begin to take time for the two of you to go out. Even if it is just for a walk for awhile at the beginning....you can work your way up to dinner and a movie. Not only is it good for the kids to begin to learn that mommy and daddy will come back, but you two have to re-connect and stay connected to make this thing work.

This all takes work. Like takes work. A marriage and a family is no different. Now get out there and get to work !!

Good luck, honey.

Answer 2

When my children were young my hubby felt strongly that I should be home while he worked because he had never had that as a child. After awhile we had a similar problem. What it boiled down to was that I was lonely for adult companionship and he had been around people all day. We could never get a sitter so if we went out it was seperately, and since it was mainly my responsibility to take care of the children (and I didn't have friends as much as he did), it was usually him that got to go out. Pretty soon I was feeling more like a household appliance than a person. We drifted so far apart that we ended up separated for awhile! I got a job and when we got back together I kept the job. It helped alot and gave me back my own life. What I learned from this experience is that we do lead our lives separately to a certain degree, and the problem is when one member of the marriage really doesn't have a life that this problem occurs. If you can find a way to get involved in something. a job, (part time even) or something that interests you and involves other adult people (like a non-profit organization or something) You will have more friends and things that interest you and that will make you less bored and lonely and needing of adult companionship. Although men seem to like to put women in rolls where they are completely dependant on their man, they are actually more actracted to women who are a bit more distracted and individual. Also you will have other things to think about which will take the pressure off him and what he is able to give at the end of the day, and you will be able to appreciate more, simply because you will need less from him.
Good luck!

Answer 3

They are all right. Communicate with him. I am sure there is sometime when all 3 of those kids are asleep (well, hopefully) at night. So, then you know you are both tired but you need to talk. You hug and you tell him you are proud of him and you really miss just him and you and you want to spend time more together, just the two, you for say about 2 hours.

PLANNING is the key, have a plan A and a PLAN b and PLAN C, in case the kids are sick, call you because they are homesick or whatever. Itdoesn't have to be expensive (you can spend the date money on the sitter, plan a simple meal, with candles and stay home minus kids), you can have a sitter come and take the kids and stay at home and watch a movie or you can send the kids to a couple of their friend's homes for sleepover and if you have a young baby send them with a relative. (Now, if you have no one and want to get a responsible, reliable sitter, there sites listed below help you), but you have to let him know you MISS the couple time and you miss the couple time and that it will be fun to give it a try and see if you both like "date-night" or whatever you decide to call it.

Answer 4

I agree with the other answers. You have to talk WITH him not at him. I think you should find a sitter sit down with your husband over dinner or drinks or something and just say " Hey I understand you have to work and I am grateful you take such good care of us and I am not asking you to spend every minute you have off from work with me and the kids but I would like to spend at least one day with you. Maybe during the day we do stuff with the kids and then the night will be for us. Then on your other day off you can go and be with the guys.I am in this hous with the kids 24/7 and I love them and you but i need to get away too and I want to get away with you. I could use some help from you." ( or something to that effect.)
Take it from me I went through the very same darn thing 15 yrs ago never home and then gone with the guys all the time. I did not handle it right I yelled and screamed and we fought and then he cheated on me and we got divorced. No one sets out to be a single parent and I am sure you want it to work out so just talk to him.

Answer 5

I'm going to say this, He needs to stay home with the kids while you go out, this worked for me, and yes my hubby finally agreed that we needed to spend more time together doing things as a family. This is what i did, i did grocery shopping on the weekends when i knew he would be there, and told him not to make any plans because i had a bad week and was going to the store and i was not taking the kids it was his turn to spend some time with them..... Yes i did feel guilty leaving but i told myself that if i let this continue it would so i took three hours to do my shopping and i continued this for a month every saturday for a month was my time, if he wanted to he could have sunday, but he didnt he started to ask me if i wanted to go any where and i finally said no i rather we did something together as a family.... So sometime he takes the two boys and does something fun with them and me and the two girls go and do something that we like to do..

Answer 6

After a few years of marriage, we get into our routines and get stuck...hubby goes to work....wifey stays home with the kids....and everyone knows their roles...right? Well....there is still the role of girlfriend and boyfriend...which seems in your case to have stopped growing. You and hubby are friends too...and sometimes we get so caught up in the day-to-day routine you forget to act like friends....sooo....get a sitter for maybe once a month (to start)....and go out on a date. Put on your date clothes(you know the ones you wore to snag him) some heels...and enjoy each other....talk(not about the kids).....dance ......go to a karaoke....bowling...or do something you haven't done before....just have fun with each other. It's the best thing you can do for yourselves and your kids.

Answer 7

Talk to hubby and tell him that the two of you need time together and you need time to yourself as well. My ex husband and I had this same situation he worked, I gave up my career to stay home with our kids. Within a year of making that choice we were going in different directions his life was work and hanging out with his buddies to unwind, my life was kids, carpools and whatever activity was going on that day. We didn't talk about it I just let all the resentment grow and after a 12 year marriage we were divorced. I learned from that especially when it dawned on me that he didn't have a clue as to anything in the kids lives and they had to rbuild their relationship. Go and talk to your hubby, tell him you and the kids need him and want to spend time with him. Take one day for a famly day one day for just you to go reconnect with friends and one night make it a date night for the two of you even if it is eating a sandwich together outside in the car. Good luck

Answer 8

Yes i agree he sohould stay with the kids awhile let you go shoppig or visit a friend, jus ta little time to spend without the kids. You should alos find a babysitter for a few hours for you and your husband to have time togeher.

Answer 9

u two nned to make sometime for urselves.. ask a family member and get them to watch the kids for a weekend.. and just the two of u go somewhere.. camping a hotel, quality time togather no kids no worries just concentrate on each other, get a few goodies to make the nights more exciting like they were before the children... its still there u just gotta reignite that flame!

Answer 10

U need to tell him that you need more time with him. Ask a family member or a good friend to watch your kids for the night. Go somewhere you two use to go to and a place that you two enjoyed going to. U need to find each other again.