Me and my fiance have been together for 6 1/2 years and engaged almost as long as that. Last February we finally decided to get married in November but now my feelings for him have changed. I don't love him anymore but I still like him a lot and don't want to hurt him, maybe even keep him as an friend, but I don't know how to tell him that it's over and that I want to move out of his house. My problem is that I'm only 90% sure that breaking up is the right thing, there are still 10% doubt. I've also met somebody else and fell in love with him and we'd like to give it a try so I know I have to move out because what I'm doing now is unfair towards both of them, but I simply don't know how to tell my fiance without hurting him too much - but I have to tell him soon about this. Can anybody give me some advice on how to tell him? Thanks.
2006-07-23 02:13:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Of course you are having doubts. You have 6 1/2 years of your life invested in the relationship. If you really want out of this your best bet is to tell him ASAP. I cannot make any promises about keeping him as a friend, it hurts when someone rejects you.
Forget about whether you are going to hurt him or not. You have to concern yourself with what is best for you. There is no way to avoid hurting him on this one. Be blunt and honest, do not leave any questions about your intentions or he may hang around waiting to see if you change your mind.
Also, if you end it now and you have any arrangements made for the wedding you will have a much better chance of getting back any deposits that may have been made. If the hall, DJ, etc are able to schedule another event for that day you will be able to make a case for getting your money back.
2006-07-23 02:20:48 · answer #1 · answered by Lubers25 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Do it...ASAP !! I was contemplating getting out of a rel & now I'm finally out of it. I wish I did it a long time ago. I woulda been over him by now. We were together for 1.5 yrs. So now I need to get over him. The first few wks will seem to go by the slowest. But don't marry him cuz you don't know how to tell him.
Tell him that you don't wanna marry him. Don't say "not sure" cuz then he'll think that there's still a chance of you 2 getting married one day. Be assertive. Maybe stay together a lil longer to further asses your doubts. OR, you can move out temporarily & maybe even suggest seeing other peeps. If your heart isn't 100% committed, then you need to make your move... fast. As for the other guy, maybe you should let him know that you're engaged but that you have doubts bout marrying him (if he already doesn't know that you're engaged). Or you can continue to see this other guy for a while & see if you want a rel w/ him. OR...(lol...) you can take a break fr dating.
Actually, what I suggest is that you have a girls' night out. Just you & the girls. Go out & have a night of fun where you don't have to think bout him(b/f or after you break up w/ him if that's what you ARE gonna do.) Listen to your heart. Ask your Mom what you should do. (sorry if you can't ask your mom for whatever reason). Mothers know best :) If she's married or been in a long-term rel then she's a good person to talk to. (Remember The Wedding Singer? :P) Also talk to your female friends. See what they think. Good luck!
2006-07-23 04:18:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
.Here's an odd coincidence. My daughter has been with her man for 5 yrs. They have lived together most of this time and bought a house together last year. Things were going along just fine until he suddenly developed a more committed attitude towards her. I don't know how to explain as I wasn't there but she sensed the change. All of a sudden, she was seeing someone else. Now, this guy is a really great guy and was very patient with her. She moved into another bedroom of the house and they went on as friends. This lasted about 2 months before she decided she truly loves him. Now they are planning their wedding.
Her attitude towards him changed because she was afraid of taking the relationship to the next level. She went through it, realized what she really wanted was right in front of her.
You have to talk to him. I don't know what he is like or how he will handle it but communication is key. If you really want to leave then you must leave to be fair, but if you are going through a period of doubt, give it time to resolve itself.
You have a lot of time invested in each other. Good luck.
2006-07-23 02:54:46 · answer #3 · answered by shirley_corsini 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well its better now than after the wedding... feelings change thats normal sometimes we think the one just isnt the one...just come out and tell him ur not ready for marriage its a big committment and ur not sure if ur ready to settle down.. there is still things u need to do and expierence on ur own without a significant other.. no matter what he's gonna be hurt theres no way around that, just be as gentlye as possible think about how u would want it done to u by the one u love...and think about his feelings dont jump into this other relationship right off the bat give him some time to let it sink in and get over the intital shock and hurt before he sees u with another guy...thats a real slap in the face
2006-07-23 03:18:33 · answer #4 · answered by wildspirit1313 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Assuming that you're not in an abusive relationship, or with someone who has a severe addiction problem (if that were the case- get out fast)...
When we were teenagers- love was a truly emotional, infatuation experiece. But adult love and committment is different. All relationships go through trying times, and that early feeling of 'love' nearly always passes. Certainly after 6 years. In adult relationships, we need to count on the committment of our partner and ourselves, to get us through the conflicts, the difficult and dull times. This is how we grow as individuals.
Looking across the fence and believing that the grass is greener somewhere else isn't the solution. Unless you've been cheating on your fiance' and carrying on a real (adult) relationship with this other person for a year- can you really know that this new 'love' is the person you should be with for the rest of your life? If your goal is to have a life-long committed partner, start by being one.
It's just too easy in today's society to play musical chairs with our lovers/spouses.
2006-07-23 02:27:12 · answer #5 · answered by Morey000 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The grass is always greenier on the other side.. you have been with the man for 6 1/2 years that is a long time.. maybe your getting scared of settling down and knowing that once you marry him he will be the last guy you will be with and finding a way out is easier.. I wouldn't break up if you guys have been together for that long there is something there.. I don't see how one guy comes a long and you would throw all that away for some guy you have no background with.. I would really think if this is worth it
2006-07-23 02:22:01 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just 90% sure? Face it. When an engaged person meets, falls in love, and wants to "give it a try" with the new person- the engagement is dead. Yes, tell your old guy. NOW. There isn't a way to end it without hurting him. But, by your actions, you have made pain inevitable.
2006-07-23 02:35:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you have already moved on by finding someone else, so you have already violated the trust that his love gave to you.
You have to be an adult, sit him down and tell him how you feel. It is obvious the relationship wasn't anything more than convenience to the two of you, and one of you thought that getting married might help it, but it doesn't.
If you have already moved on that 10% that's left is just that you do not want to leave the security of what you have known for almost 7 years.
When you do it, just remember that he has feelings too and they are valid, he may not want to be your friend after you betrayed him by going out on him after you agreed to marry him.
Good luck to the three of you...
2006-07-23 02:22:35 · answer #8 · answered by auntb629 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sit him down, and be truthful about your feeling, tell him you may need to separate for a while because your not sure if marriage if for you. It's taken you 6 1/2 years to get to this stage so obviously you have not been fully committed to the relationship.
He will be hurt but its better to do it now then go ahead with a marriage that won't work.
Good luck
2006-07-23 02:21:20 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
One of the goofiest questions that keeps popping up on these boards is how to tell someone bad news and make them like it.
You can't.
But here's an idea. Find your absolutely most presentable, available female friend and have her dressed to the nines. Make sure she already has a positive opinion of your fiance.
Make a date with your fiance at the best restaurant in town and take your friend with you. Have the tab put on your credit card, and break up with him and leave him with the new girl.
And after this, DON'T shack up until you are married.
2006-07-23 02:20:08 · answer #10 · answered by wmp55 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋