When is it time to quit?

Question

We dated for three years before we got married. Been married for five years now. I knew beforehand that there "might be issues" with his ex that we would have to deal with. But like many I was so in love I "just knew I could deal with it all..." Basically once the "book was opened and I got thru the first few chapters....the story has changed...now I'm thinking hard about closing the book forever". It's turned into this...it's "his way or the highway" He's such a control freak...wasn't like that at first." I work 50 - 60 hours a week, put my paycheck into "our account" and have to "beg" for lunch money...clothes...shampoo...makeup ect." While he can take out (and does) money whenever he wants and doesn't say a thing to me. He's buying things and then "informing me" of the purchase before I come home and see it...like a camper...a new truck...new tools... He has a mentally disavantaged son that has moved in with us...NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT THEM...AND I'M LEFT COOKING AND CLEANING.

Answer 1

I am there with you sister! Mine doesn't buy big stuff but if he wanted to he would. Long story short, last night while drunk (again) he said he wanted a divorce. Lets see what today brings. I'm soooo ready. I want out. It forces the hand I've wanted to play for so long but was too afraid. I'm disabled so I held back on leaving. We just had our 8 yr. last week. I really think you need to get out too. Why put ourselves thru this? I'm sure you have a lot to offer so why sell yourself short? Good luck. I'm in Ohio too - maybe we'll see each other sometime.

Answer 2

1) Start putting your paycheck in your OWN, separate account. Give the bank instructions that your husband should have NO ACCESS to it.

This can serve as a warning shot across the bow. If he doesn't open up, realize the input you are having in the relationship, and treat you like an adult, then get out, and get out NOW!

Look at my avatar before you read this ... (ready?) ... control issues in men rarely get better with age. Sometimes they do, but it takes real work. There is NO evidence this guy is willing to put work into something that will, in the beginning, only benefit you. He's not looking out for you at all. All the signs are there of a bad, one-way relationship (and, I might add, a pending abusive relationship).

Set up the bank account, fire the warning shot, then get a lawyer.

.

Answer 3

I think you need to change your ID from hurt in Ohio to Sugar Mama in Ohio. As much as I hate divorce, your circumstance is one of the few that I would advocate it. Your words speak volumes. You are funding his lifestyle. You are his personal maid. And I'm sure whenever he wants "it", you feel "obligated" to give it to him. The fact that he is a control freak tells me there is no trust. What is any relationship without trust?! My experience with control freaks is that they themselves are the ones that need to be watched! You're a hard worker - 50/60 hours a week -You can take care of yourself. There's a reason he has an ex, and he's giving you all the reasons in the world for you to be his ex too. If you do build up the courage to leave, you may need to get a restraining order to protect yourself - I don't know to what extent his control goes. He will never change outside of the "two week turnaround" when he's looking down the barrel. Sweetie, you're a slave with a broken heart who feels trapped. You have the keys in your hand to escape. You deserve much better!!

Answer 4

Do you love him? if you love him, its hard to tell you to leave him, if you don't love him, then leave. Otherwise.. take control for yourself no matter what hon. Tell him.. You will dispurse your check to two general funds. !. your own savings for yourself, and 2. Household funds.
You didnt say whether he has his own funds or not, but asuming he does, you both could go in on a rainy day fund together, for future trips and household purchases. But I would not let him control the money. My husband tried to do that, and I put my foot down letting him know, if it kept up, I would give him half the rent, half the utilities, and half groceries, and the rest was mine, and that is how it was going to be, and if he dont like it, leave.. I made sure he understood, Im not his mom .. I am his wife, and an equal and if he couldnt live by that, he needed to live alone. As far as his son.. even mentally disadvantaged children of any age, enjoy feeling needed and helpful, have him help you with things, and spend some time with him y ourself. and again, if the man dont like it. lump it or leave.

Answer 5

You should open your own account, privately, in your name only.
Start setting your money aside. Prepare for your departure.
Or better yet, find an old trustworthy friend with whom you can move in, continue to work, and start saving for your divorce and your new life. He needs to control someone else, NOT YOU!
Do yourself a big favor, suffer a little on your own while you do the move, or suffer the rest of your life, it's your choice. I would leave, don't bother explaining or telling him anything either, afterall he doesn' really ask your permission either...you have learned a valuable lesson. Some men actually love and respect their spouse!

Answer 6

talk to him face to face over a cup of coffe, or some juice. You might as well show him this question you put here. Make sure you listen to what he has to say about it. Ask him what he expects of you? and what would he do in your shoes? ... But he might just consider hireing someone to do the cooking and cleaning and spend some quality time with you, that is if he loves you. If not, you'll know what you have to do. Money is not the issue here.

Answer 7

You need to stop your paychecks from going to the joint banking account. Why haven't you done this already? Stop giving the pig a chance to take the money that you work so hard for. "BEG"! for the money that you put in the bank, no honey I don't think so. I agree with you, from what I have read you need to close that book and summarize it for him.
Leave, your not happy,how could you be.

Answer 8

i think its sad a women that works hard and get litte in return.
the last girl i dated wanted to sit on her butt
not work, care for her kids, cook, clean, etc.
i did everything, and i am not perfect, but i just wanted her to meet me half way. rotate chores, do them together, or if u work long hrs then i will take up the slack and visa versa.
its to bad many relationships r one sided. its not fair (as if u already didn't know that)
she would blow money and bounce checks so fast i couldn't keep up.
she is gone now and i might be alone, but i am not miserable anymore. :)

Answer 9

ok.. lets see, is he treating u unkind? yes, is he controling yes.. ARE U ENABLING HIM TO CONTROL U.. YES!!!.. if its this bad why dont u open your own account and put all, most, or part of it in your own account so that you'll have money of your own.. it doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out that if your making ur own money and you have to "BEG" for things that its time to protect what you earn.. i doubt he's holding a gun to ur head making u deposit it in your joint account.. If my finances were that bad between me and my husband to the point that i had to beg and it was all about him.. Id get my own checking account, split the bills evenly and say from now on ur responsible for this this and this, im responsible for this this and that, and what ever money u have is what u spend and visa versa.. its not that hard to regain control of ur life if u want to regain it.. so stop enabling him to walk all over u ..

Answer 10

When is it time to quit?
When you have run out of fight and lost all hope

I always say 'Never give up', yet gave up on my marriage. But never gave up on what I believed in and that is what was'doing the right thing'.

Some people it takes many years to lose the fight, others never had it. I also had a lot of hope for my marriage and our life as a family but it required accepting that we can't always have what we want, and people only change if they want to, it took me a long time to accept that and do what I felt was right....
I gave up fighting... ;) ;)