sorry i need some advice, this is my wifes blog with add. details some advice pleas?

Question

When will it be my turn to be happy? It seems like all my life I have taken care of everyone else, and put my life on hold. Well I'm sick of it! My middle name should be on hold. Everybody wants me to be their puppet. Yeah, my life is sooooooo easy, I have everything. I have a husband, kids, and a house. An American dream, the perfect family. And I'm only going to be 28 on July 4th. I am sooooo young, and have not lived life. Right??? Wrong. I do not have a dream life. And if you could handle my life for a month, then you would be doing really good, because I can't handle it anymore. I have put on a smile for the longest time. It became a habit. Yeah, just pretend Cassie, or you are a Drama Queen. Everyone tells me that I am the strongest woman they have ever met. Well, this strong woman needs someone to love me for who I am. Someone who will touch me, because they want to, and not because I asked them to. Someone who will spend time with me, and not be too busy. Someone to make love to me because they want to, and not because it's their job. Someone who will love and want to take care of my children, instead of thinking I can have kids, lets have another one! Is there any real men out there anymore? All the men I've been with, have a very huge flaw. It's either drugs, beating the crap out of me, not wanting to pay attention to me, cheating on me, and lying. Most of the time I think I deserve better, but if I did, wouldn't God have given me what I needed? My soul purpose in life is to take care of people. When will it be my turn? I would love for someone to take care of me. I have needs too. When I get sick, will there ever be anyone to take care of me? When I am lonely, will there ever be anyone to talk to me, and not treat me like I'm a nuisance? Will there ever be someone to make love to me, when I want to become one? Everything I want seems so out of reach. The only thing I have been succesfull with, is having kids. I am sick and tired of single people saying I am so lonely, you do not know what it feels like. Do you think they know what if feels like to be married., and have that person not want you, and have to put up with that for years and years? I do know what it feels like. It is the worst feeling in the world. Don't get married unless you are actually going to be there for that person for the rest of your life. Marraige is a two way street. And both persons have to make it work. If its just one person working on it, then that's the end. It don't work that way. If one person don't want to work on it, and continues apologizing, yet don't do anyting about it, then they don't deserve you. It's time to move on, and that is exactly what I am going to do. I am sick and tired of you abandoning me, I am sick and tired of being lonely, and not touched. When I talk to you, you do not listen. I deserve better. It is time for me to move on. Please God, send me someone that actually loves me, and will not play games. I don't know how much more my heart can take.
Additional Details

one more little thing............i know how clear it is. I just wanted some other opinions
we also have 8 kids and one income

I do not beat her, i help with the kids and house work when i'm home (most of the time) i also make dinner at least 5 times a week. If she wants to go some where i tell her to go. I let her go to omaha this weekend (by her self) to visit a handicapt guy friend. I tell her I love her several times a day. yes i'm the father of 6 of the children and one is our nephew we agreed to take in when his father died. i'm not really interested in sex and she knew that when we got married. i do the best i can to make her feel special. obviously i'm just worthless as a husband.

i found this on her profile on netfriendships today

any advice or questions please contact me at [e-mail]

its a public blog, anyone can read it her 25 friends did. I'm not

spying on her

Answer 1

XXXXXXX What she needs is her husband. You. She wants more attention. She wants more affection. She wants to feel like she is loved and appreciated. You don't know how lucky you are to find this piece of treasure. So many relationships can be saved if the spouse knew what was on the other ones mind. You now have the opportunity that many don't get to make it right with her. She sounds like a good woman. You sound like a good man. All she wants to feel is your love. The ball is now in your court. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Answer 2

Are you sure she's only visiting a *handicapped guy friend*...that sounds pretty suspicious after reading how she feels about her life. My thoughts are that yes, she may be cheating already. She is tired of being the caretaker and wants to be seen as a women that has needs. Eight children is a lot to deal with and if you are the only income, that means her entire day revolves around the kids and the house and she is overwhelmed to say the least. Sounds like you need to make some time for just you and her to get away for a night or two if you could swing it with the kids. Date night for a married couple is a *neccessity* believe me! i had a lot of those feelings last Summer and it came down to the fact that hubby worked 65 hours, and was gone on top of that every weekend. Make some time for the two of you to go out to dinner and dancing, or a movie or bowling...something you both would enjoy. You could also try to do a romantic dinner at home with candles. So many things you could do to help her feel like a *lover/wife* instead of *Mom* all the time.

Answer 3

What you are probably doing the LEAST of is ensuring she FEELS loved (doesn't just hear the words). Good communication is VITAL if you have ANY hope of fixing this. And that starts with ACTIVE listening on YOUR part. Tell her, "look, I am not going to assume I know anything, you talk, and I will listen." Then do JUST THAT!!!!! Actively listen with your heart first and your mind second.

Don't interupt, hold your questions until LONG after she has wound down. Then just HOLD her, tell she is loved, tell her your thoughts and supporting observations after she's found her husband again. Notice I didn't say argue, or disagree or even DISCUSS. She's not ready to discuss. She is ready to be LOVED, period. She's ready to know that you give a DDAAMMNN about HER issues. She needs to know that she can have a break and that things are going to be alright.

She's in serious stress and 10 conversations where you actively listen to her (like outlined above) might just BARELY begin to quell her distress. This woman needs to know you are on her side. She needs to know you'll be there long term and that you'll take her side for all she's dealing with---'cause she surely don't feel is right now.

If you can't do this, if you cannot love her, then gently tell her so, and that you'll get the hheellll out of her way. However, if you desire this woman, and wish to see her genuinely happy, then you need to make some SERIOUS effort to put asside your own 'stuff' and make her a priority.

I wish you both all the luck in the world.... now, go focus the next 6 months of your life on her, and hope like HHEELLLL she'll settle down. :)

Answer 4

WOW! where to start.ill start with him..first of all what do you mean your not interested in sex??your a guy,thats what we do.so where did all the kids come from if your sexless.look dude,she had all those kids for you,and takes care of them and you the least you could do is give her a roll in the hay without her asking for it.are you turning gay?or has her body changed from all those kids?well thats part of having kids and if you really loved her that wouldnt matter anyway.and now you mom..if he doesnt want sex with you why did you give him all those kids?if you guys break up you know how hard it will be to find a guy who would take on that kind of responsibility?maybe with one or two but you have a tribe?so what can you do to save the marraige for you and the kids?first try making him want you.and this will be hard with all those kids as most babysitters would run screaming...but try dressing sexy or slutty,find out what his fantasies are no matter how sick,and if you can handle it go for it.with working hard to support that big a family and all the years together he is probably feeling just as trapped as you do,probably even more than you cuz if you leave him the child support would be astronomical.and he would probably leave the country or shoot himself.if you can get the kids to sleep meet him at the door with half a ********,the other half he can get after he takes care of you.light candles and play some f-ck music like enigma..the first one but greatest hits cd will work too.let him relax when he gets home hes probably tired and with all those kids running around he probably dont have any energy to play..and you sir..why spy on the wife..wise up before you lose her..believe me you will regret losing her when you see how much child support you will have to pay.make her happy.she not asking for the family fortune,she just wants a partner,a lover,and a friend....can you do that??for her,for your kids,...and for you???good luck to you both..but remember the most important thing..respect each other..like not spying on the wife..love alone wont get it..you got to get the goodies once in a while..wow..tuff job....

Answer 5

You need to give her more attention
She needs to get these feelings out, to you, not a blog. Print it off and sit her down. Talk through every point that is an issue for her. Do your part to fix it, improve things TOGETHER. She’s obviously feeling depressed and lonely. Women need affection & conversation. You need to give her these. Talk about her needs, and you fulfil them, vice versa.
Even though you’re not interested in sex, are you able to give her foreplay (you may think this is appropriate, but maybe a dildo to do your ‘job’).
You’re not worthless as a husband, it’s the non-communication that’s causing trouble. This needs to be resolved.

Overall your wife seems depressed, has she recently had a child? Either way, she needs to get counselling & you need to approach her immediately. Sit her down at least once a day for 5minutes where you can work on your communication with each other. When you ask how she is, LISTEN. She seems genuine, although some women do say silly things for attention – “drama queen”.
To me it appears she wants a lover. And by that I mean, if she’s not going to get anything from you, she’ll look elsewhere. So unless you want to loose her, get on top of this. Goodluck Mate.

Aussie Chick.

Answer 6

See if you can get the both of you to try and salvage what's left of the marriage with professional counseling, if not it is probably time to move on. Got a little confused as to who was writing all this, whether it was the husband or wife, it definitely does seem like she may be cheating, or something. Just sounds like both parties have so much swirling in their minds at all times, and a release will come, at best a big argument, at worst.... that's why I would suggest marriage counseling, and if not that, then a separation, of some sort. There's just so much going on here, 8 kids, neither husband or wife is happy, both seem to have so much on your plates- a professional is needed, it sounds like, before someone gets really angry, and blows a fuse!

Answer 7

It's fairly common knowledge that as most women mature beyond youth, their sexual desire increases. Most of the time this happens in their late 20's or early 30's. Because of this, I cannot lend weight to your "she knew" argument since the aforementioned can be configured into a "ritebakatcha" of knowledge. I'm sure both of you have written what you consider to be accurate descriptions as to the state of your marriage. But now is not the time for conflict (if for no other reason, the children). Her words may have hurt you enough to cause a brief lack of clarity, so I'll offer this observation. She has provided you with a blueprint to help her achieve her long sought happiness. How many times have you heard men say they " just don't understand what women want?" She's written it down for you in black and white. Whether or not to undertake the task before you is the question that begs to be answered. Since the value of her (and her happiness) to you is an unknown, I'll not chime in with an opinion here. But if you choose to try, then her words are extremely valuable to your efforts. Try not to take them as criticism. Try to perform an honest self evaluation using what she says about you to gain perspective. Remember that one argument on her behalf was a lack of listening ability. Therapy may help as well, but not until you've both decided to try again. If you feel it's not worth it or that she's wrong, (or if she's beyond trying to fix things), at least offer her the same respect that you had for her when your relationship started Who knows what life has in store? Years from know you may just get back together and all this situation will have benefitted the both of you.

Answer 8

OK, its really is not all that difficult to see what she wants. To fix the situation will take dedication, time, and LOVE on your part. Its not about the sex, she wants you to talk with her, listen to her, be there for her. She wants to spend time with you. You know I found out something my wife loves more then anything else. I found this out by accident however, I would have missed it if I did not pay attention!!! I simple wrote her a note saying "I love you and welcome home" after her day at work. She really loves simple little things like that. Woman love that type of stuff. Expensive cars, big homes...... become replacements for a lack of love but this only last for so long then they start to feel it and will start to look elsewhere. Take care of the wife first. Put her ahead of friends, work, hobbies. Show her you really care by finding out what makes her feel loved. If you do this your happiness will increase. Just a bit of advice from one husband to another.

P.S. DON'T TELL HER YOU FOUND THE LETTER NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!!! IF YOU DO YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR LIFE!!!!!! Please fight for your marriage. Divorce is easy but the consequence's will kill your sole. Fighting for your marriage is hard work but the pay off is more then you could imagine.

Answer 9

What you BOTH need right now, is to turn off the damn computer and sit together FACE TO FACE and TALK about all of this!!! If you both are truly in love with each other & want to stay together, then you can make it work. You've been through 6 children together, taking care of 8, and stuck together this long.
Give each other time to get out what you need to get out, without interruption. Bring it ALL up, put it all out on the table, and stay up and hash it out. Compromise, understand each other's side, put yourself in the other's shoes. It sounds cheesy, but DO IT!
REALLY do it. Don't go about this half-assed.
Good luck and above all else, LOVE each other!!

Answer 10

Hm. I actually read it. :>

It seems like her heart would be lifted and she would feel so much better if you did just touch her.

My honest advice...
Don't tell her that you read this...it will only make matters worse and leave you both embarrassed in the end.
You said that you aren't interested in sex, but she obviously is..either she is really into sex or she feels that since you don't like it you don't like her. I'm sure that she does tons of things for you..maybe even small things you don't notice well..that she hates. Maybe you should at least try pleasing her? Maybe if not actual intercourse you could try pleasing her in another sexual way? Maybe you can create some kind of romantic situation that would make her feel sexual enough to be pleased on her own after?
You have to try. No matter how much she loves you and wants things to work...it's a horrible feeling to want to be touched and for no one to be there to touch you...ESPECIALLY if you do have someone there to touch you who just doesn't want to. Is it better to sacrifice yourself a little [jeez, I don't think of sex as some hard task...maybe if you experimented a little you'd like it more and, hell, then you'd both be giddy] than to lead her to someone else to fulfill her physical wants? Because as depressing as it sounds... you can love someone with ALL of your heart, but if she feels so disconnected from you on a physical level...then she might find a separate person to connect with her physically.

Also, did you ever think that maybe since you found it she didn't go through EXTREME lengths to hide it? Maybe she wanted you to find it..maybe it's her call out to you? I think you should embrace it in a way.

Answer 11

It sounds like you both need to realise that right now life is very difficult. Try to smile into each other's eyes with the feeling behind it of, "It is going to be okay one day."
Cassie, you need to relax. It seems like you are completely overwhelmed but at the same time you want to have some control over your situation. I suggest you choose your battles. Decided which scenarios are worth fighting about and which ones aren't. You have to let the kids live for themselves.
In other words, when they won't brush their teeth, don't get all stressed about it. Say, "Fine, and when your teeth rot out of your skull, don't come running to me."

I have found that when you change yourself first- be that person that you say you want to be- then people will want to be around you. Trying to keep up with their feelings and trying to force them to love you will not work. Never in a million years.
What you can do is choose to love yourself and take care of yourself and lo and behold, what happens? People around you love Cassie and want to take care of Cassie, too.
Don't give up. I know it is hard but you should try to do something for you now. You have to admit to yourself and accept the fact that it is okay for you to enjoy your life. You will find that once you enjoy your life, everything and everyone around you will be more enjoyable, too.

Best of luck to you!