i have this woman who is very dear to my heart. but because we are both hammering out some issues we are .....

Question

both up and down. when im up im very romantic. but when im down, man can i say some evil things.

id like to learn how to be stronger so that when im down i dont do so much damage. because if we just keep stabbing each other back and forth the cycle will never end.

so how can i control myself better. when im angry? or when i start to feel myself getting angry? or when i really feel like i need her but she isnt around? how can i control myself so that my dr jeckel percentage goes up and mr hyde percentage goes down? so that she sees more and more good and is more and more willing to open up to me?

please dont give ANY answers that are outside the parameters of my questions.

what part of parameters dont you understand zette?

Answer 1

Please don't think for one second that what I'm about to say to you isn't dead serious. I'm going through absolute hell right now because of an aunt who is fighting me over custody of my grandmother. We've been in and out of court since February and there's still no end in sight. Still one of the things that helps me get through it was a little saying that my grandmother shared with me years ago. When I'm feeling tense I sort of use it as my mantra. Concern is you working the problem; worry is the problem working you. Do what you can to effect change in those issues in your life that you can and refrain from worrying about those things beyond your control. SO, if your up against an obstacle and you've done all that you can about it for that day then let it go until your in a position to do more. Feel good about what you got accomplished instead of negatively focusing on what you didn't. Few of us ever reach the bottom of our to do list and anyone who does is too anal to want to be around very long. Truthfully you never see them much anyway because their too busy trying to complete their lists. Also, when you find yourself becoming angry - quickly find something physically exerting to do. Mow the yard, clean the garage, wash your car but find something. Put all that energy to use. Hope it helps. Good luck to you and your friend.

Answer 2

i think the zette person wasnt being ignorant in the answer .bipolar is a actual disorder and it will give you ups and downs and you can react violently or non violently so maybe checking into is not outside the perimeters of your question .both of you need to seek counseling if you want the relationship to work .the way you are going it is not gonna get any better .also check into anger management classes .count to 10 is a thing they do also take a walk do something that relaxes you when you start getting that feeling of not in control.seek therapy good luck

Answer 3

maybe some counsling.. to help with your anger issues, it certainly can't hurt

before you get angry, talk to her and make a plan for this, when you get angry you leave the house or the room till your calm.. it will save you both alot of pressure.. but make sure it is agreed that she not try to stop you, but before you leave the room/house tell her " im angry and then go" this way she understands why your leaving, when your calm you come back and talk it out

Answer 4

Well to keep the relationship healthy u need to let her know how u feel but in a calm way like"honey this is wrong,"or "honey that is wrong."And when u feel like ur girl is not there then tell her how u feel as i said before and maybe things will change u never know. And maybe the reason why she acts like she aint caring about u then maybe its because u aint telling her ur feelings and telling her u care about her enough.so try it out and maybe things will change.

Answer 5

I read your question, and I noticed that you pretty much excluded your girlfriend (wife, whatever) from the picture. Other than the prelude, your question is all about you and how you need to control your anger, and nothing about your girlfriend or your life together. The way you phrased the question, it sounds like your girlfriend just plays the role of a spectator in your life, and you simply want to make sure that she sees only the right things about you and not the the things that you want to hide from her.

I also noticed that you're kind of a control freak. I read your question (and subsequent edits and additions) here in the Psychology section and in a couple other sections as well. You're very insistent about controling the content and tone of the answers you receive, even if it means yelling at the people offering you answers.

So putting two and two together: You say that you and your woman are hammering out some issues, so presumably it's your interactions with your woman that are getting under your skin. Other people might ask for ways to get along better with their woman. But you just ask for ways to get better control of yourself. You make it sound like the woman has nothing to do with it. All you need is more control, and all your relationship problems will be solved. You're the main attraction, and she's just a spectator with no particular input over what happens.

As for my answer, I don't think you need more control over your emotions. Instead, I think you need to start looking at your relationship instead of yourself. To put it another way, you've dialed her out of picture until she's practically a non-entity and you're hogging the show. To rectify the problem, I think you need to dial her back in. She needs to become at least fifty percent of the picture.

You don't need *more* control. Instead, you need to start handing over some control to your girlfriend.

First off, why do you need to be hammering out issues with someone you love, to the point that you're cursing her out? Assuming that she's a competent adult and that her way of doing things has worked for her in the past, then just do 50 percent of the things her way and 50 percent of the things your way. It doesn't matter whose way is *best*. What matters is that the relationship is shared between the two of you and she feels like she's dialed back into the picture.

For example. Let's say your zooming down the highway 20 miles over the speed limit, and she asks you to slow down. You *could* get defensive and insist that speeding is the safest thing to do since everyone else is speeding too, and in any case she has had more tickets and fender-benders than you, so she has no right to criticize you. Or you *could* just slow down and arrive at your destination 10 minutes later, and you'll have shown her that you're willing to do things her way occasionally. Not because her way is *best*, but just because you're dialing her into the picture a bit.

Right up front, just give her 50 percent of the "issues" that you're hammering out right now (and ask if you can have the other 50 percent). And give her the most important "issues," not the little stuff. It may mean stumbling through some things in a less than optimal fashion, but the principle of sharing control is more important than arguing over whose way is *best.*

And right then and there you will have solved your problem. With no more *issues* to argue over, you won't have to cuss out your girlfriend. She might even finally get to see a better side of you. She might even get the feeling that her opinion *matters* to you, in which case she'll likely start sharing more with you and open up to you.

Just for background, I ended my first marriage (of ten years) over problems much like this. The problem was equally hers, but in retrospect I realize there was more I could have done. Then I started doing the same thing in my second marriage, but I caught myself. Now, my second wife gets whatever the hell she wants. If she wants something from me, she gets it. And as a result, I get a hell of a lot more from her now than I did early along when I tried to convince her that my way was best.

So think about it. Rather than asking for more ways to get more and more control over yourself and your relationship, try a new tack. Try surrendering control. Dial the girlfriend back into the picture. Frankly, if you're saying "evil things" to her, you've got nothing to lose at this point anyway.

P.S. You know where you can shove your parameters.

Answer 6

okay... let me shrink for a minute...
first of all i think that you just need to learn to realize when your getting down and excuse yourself politely... i am finally learning and my parents think i am getting anti social for i am... thinking a lot more than i used to

next you need to level yourself out... i like to hurt people and i don't like pain but feel i can overcome it and then figure i overcome my pain... I'm not a cutter... no it leaves scars and people get freaked out... i use presser points...

Answer 7

this is not meant to offend you...but you sound like a friend of mine who is bipolar....perhaps do a little research on this and seek some professional opinions.

Answer 8

Have a vasectomy so that you do NOT put any children through a lifetime of hell.