Does marriage counseling really work?

Question

I tried it before with my 1st wife, what a farce. She was cheating the whole time we went. Now wife #2 wants to go and so do I. She has been twice to counseling and I have been once, never together. I am depressed (clinicly) and I accuse her of cheating, I read her e-mail, look thru her cell phone. She said enough is enough. I love her very much, but I can't stop the thoughts. I am 45, she is 32 and a very good looking (strong headed) woman. We have a son 2 yrs old

Answer 1

I think that it is very helpful. The trick is finding a really good counselor. It's tough to do. I think that it is very helpful to learn relationship techniques and to have a third party listen and help explain behaviors. It's much easier hearing it from a doctor than from your spouse.

There are dishonest counselors out there that are only interested in the money. For instance, my husband and I went to one who insisted that he had to treat my husband's depression before he could treat us as a couple. My husband was not depressed at the time and it was obvious that the doctor was just going to do his best to suck up as much of our cash and insurance as possible. He went a few times, but it was really no help at all. We never once were treated as a couple with that doctor.

There are some great counselors out there, though. Just make sure that they will treat you as a couple and that they understand that you need to start working on the relationship right away.

Since you say that you are depressed, you should be treated for that also, but it should be done in addition to working on relationship skills.

You might even want to try some of the self help books and cd's out there. Dr. Phil and other's have some great CD's that you can listen to together or when you are in the car. They have been really helpful to us.

At any rate, bugging her about cheating all the time is going to ruin the relationship. You have got to build your own self-esteem and realize that you can make it on your own if your marriage does not work out. You can never really be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

It's obvious that you are working hard to get better. Just taking the first step and realizing that your behavior is irrational should help things a lot. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 2

no it will not work, especially for you
keep in mind most marriage councilers are female and will side with females, so off the bat your made to feel bad about whatever went wrong and will assign blame ( indirectly of course ) to you
marrying an independant 32 year old was / is mistake number 2, she want's marriage on HER terms, not yours, and this means independant inside of the marriage ( somethig that NEVER works ), you insecurities with her ( if she is good looking, you have to accept the fact that othet guys find hger attractive and other guys WILL ask her out despite her martial status ) only further drive a wedge between the boh of you, instead of being proud of her you are paranoid ( rightfully or worng ) and thus will tend to try to micro manage and independant women.
i am sorry ot say it's divorce number 2 for you,BTW there is also a very good chance she is cheating on you as women now cheat in record numbers, especially the independant types like yours. they see marriage as more a dispensable commodity when times get even a little tough, and see there value as easily marketed to other men. it could well be you drive you ex's nuts with your insecurities, it's no excuse for cheating, but it will drive women away

Answer 3

Doug, This is not going to have a quick answer from others who do not know you personally. Each relationship is different. As you have admitted to being depressed (clinically), you should see a therapist, other than the one your wife is seeing. Before you can work on the problems you are both having, you should seek out help with your problem. If you explain this to your wife, that you are willing to TRY....it's the beginning of communication on both your parts. I hope you do work things out. D.

Answer 4

You seem to be the one with the bigger issues here. I think you need some individual counseling first, and then bring your wife into the sessions later. Marriage counseling does work if both people really want it and agree to try, but sometimes one person needs to go alone for awhile. Wish you the best.

Answer 5

Yes, it does. There a lot of relationship skills that you don't learn in school, or at home with your parents (especially if you came from a dysfunctional family). Couples counseling can help you rebuild trust, learn to argue correctly, and get out issues that haven't been properly dealt with.

Answer 6

Get the name of a good counselor. Some counselors bring all sorts of issues to the table and then they are ill-equipped to help their clients deal with the issues. Get the name of someone with a solid reputation and much experience who can help the two of you deal with the past and the present. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 7

it only works if the both of you take it seriously and apply the teachings...your first wife i guess didnt give it a second thought... dont blame your second wife for what your first wife did.... she is a totally different person.. you should treat her as such.. both of you have a little more at stake than the previous marriage so really put both of your noses to the grindstone with this... stop accusing her of something that she hasnt done... she deserves your trust....

Answer 8

It can work... But the catch is that you both have to be willing to try it. You both have to be open to new ideas and change. If you love your wife like you say you do... Try it out and keep an open mind!

Answer 9

I agree w/funluvinrenee. Try counseling for yourself. Sometimes just talking w/ a good friend helps.

Answer 10

I would think that if you have two people who are really willing to try and listen to suggestions as to what they are doing wrong that it could help. It is certainly worth a try