How can an late 50s married man best find a local married woman for intimacy missing in life?

Question

Serious and sincere question. Long married and not looking to break that up. But no intimacy or affection. IS finding it outside a viable idea?

Answer 1

I think your predicament must be shared by a great many of us older men, and probably by near the majority of married women--to hear them tell it. Intimacy must be one of the hardest things there is to maintain in marriage; although what is written and trumpeted about it, intimacy is the only thing left as we age in marriage. But intimacy (physical conjoining) and companionship or closeness aren't the same thing. Finding someone else who will not upset the apple cart at home to supply that intimacy could be near impossible. Weighing the costs it must be considered highly risky.

I have a marriage that has not yielded true intimacy for at least three years, out of 17 years of marriage. I can't say that the first 14 years were extremely intimate ones, but a change took place three years ago after my wife had cancer surgery. After six months for her recuperation, she seemed not to have much desire, and I lost interest in trying to make intimacy special, as I had before, and I stopped providing the creative ways I had employed to be romantic or add excitement. I kind of gave up, as it became less and less satisfying for me.

I entertained finding a mistress, just as you are doing. I sought someone through the internet clubs, but found few women, most in their 40s and early 50s, interested in a man in his early 60s. Finally, I connected with an exciting woman in her late 40s who, as did I at the time, only wanted an erotic email exchange. It became quite intense and very erotic, as we both had a talent for writing sexually explicit material. But it was also an afffectionate exchange of email and special e-greeting cards, plus we sent graphics and photos of various kinds. I was actually falling in love with her, and I think she too was feeling something and maybe sensed that my desire to meet her was growing. We lived close enough so it wasn't impossible to meet. However, when she told me she was changing her ISP and buying a new computer, and that she would be in touch once she was online again, I never heard from her after that.

All I can say is, although my experience on-line with a cyber relationship did not end totally satisfactorily, it was a very enjoyable, heady and fulfilling thing, as close to intimacy as you can get virtually, and just about as close, and better, than I'd been having with my wife. So, you might think of this as a way to go without actually having a physcical affair with a woman who herself is married, which only complicates things while trying to not complicate them.

Some will still consider this to be infidelity. It is a matter of definition, possibly, or of intent. Yet, it if keeps you from being unfaithful in physical fact, I do not think of it as infidelity.

Answer 2

I don't think so. Man, if your wife found out it would be over. You would destroy your family and probably the family of the woman you had the affair with. Is destroying 2 families worth a little sex? I know what it's like to miss the intimacy in a marriage because my husband is going through a depression and there has been no intimacy for weeks. But I wouldn't cheat on him. I'd take care of the sex problem myself. As for intimacy, try talking to your wife. Cuddle her, compliment her, treat her like my husband treats me - like the queen of the world - and you will have all the affection you could ever want - and maybe some intimacy, too.

Answer 3

I would not advise you to step outside of the marriage. You know exactly where that will end up. What have you said to your wife? Is she aware of the situation? How about a candle light dinner at home, bottle of wine, then completely open discussion on this issue. Don't blame, don't make threats about an affair, just as calm a discussion as possible about the lack of intimacy. Talk about the past and all the wonderful memories you have of the two of you together. Plan a way to bring romance back to the both of you.

Answer 4

Talk to your wife about what is going on. I did this with my husband and we have agreed to an open marriage. We still love each other very much, but the intimacy and sexual attraction is missing so we are going to seek that elsewhere but always come home to one another. It's not a bad idea. Perhaps if more people didn't stay in marriages unhappy and did something to fix it marriages would last a little longer.

Answer 5

Hi there....late 40's male in same situation. No intimacy here either,. In fact, wife has been a b*tc* this week.
Finding a lover may not be viable, as if wife finds out, as they invariably do, they will do everything in their power to f*ck you over as YOU and I are their providers.
and to those of you who say that all problems are 50/50, they are not. Did I deserve to be called names, or her saying she regretted getting married? Or her saying she'd wished she'd never had kids? Well she did. I didn't deserve that as I'm not an alcoholic, I don't run around on her. To her I'm "useless" because I'm not as good with my hands as some men. Now tell me it's my fault.
And forget the "romantic evening" theme. At that age they just blow you off and sleep.
oh and to you experts who say be affectionate towards her are automatically saying it's the man's fault. WRONG!!!! I am damned affectionate and it is not returned.

Answer 6

No, unless you want to get divorced, then go for it. If there's no intimacy or affection in your marriage work on getting some in it. Treat your wife the way you'd want to be treated. Do something for her every day. Let her know every day how much you love her, and value her. Remember you are 1/2 of every problem that exists in your marriage.

If the problem's severe, maybe outside counseling would work as well.

Answer 7

if you want affection, get a dog, if you want affection from your wife, be affectionate towards her. If you want intimacy, be intimate. All sounds like just some words, but to get what we think we lack from others, we must do those things first. Buying some flowers and hoping she will jump in the sack won't work. Being intimate and affectionate is a 24/7 job. Make love to her all day, by being nice, by soft touches, little pats, little compliments, little things to help her and always a good night kiss. One night she may want to do more than kiss...

Answer 8

Viable? Yes. Doable? Yes Should you? No

Sooner or later your spouse will find out and hurt even more. Break the marriage and then look for someone else if that is your decision. Cheating of Adultery is never a solution.

Answer 9

I feel for you, am 49 and yes sometimes my husband forgets my needs he is a workaholic with two jobs he has a day job and teaches at night. It can be very lonely that is way am in yahoo answers right now! I try to keep my self-busy to keep out of trouble. May I ask a personal question do you at lease have sex now and again, because if you don’t have sex at all I would advise you to leave no one can live in a sex less married I know I couldn’t.

Answer 10

WOW did u talk to ur wife about this? Is she totally ok with you sleeping around with other women?? maybe u should ask her..where to find women..