im bored make me laugh please?

Question

make me laugh tell me a funny joke

Answer 1

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Answer 2

My best friend's father is from Italy and even though he's wealthy, he's really cheap; when his son found out he needed braces, the dad actually made this contraption that was carved out of wood and other stuff that would've fit on his teeth and around the back of his neck to pull his teeth into place....what a nut!

Answer 3

A man walks into a bar with a funny-looking parrot on his shoulder. When the man sits down, the bar keep asks, "What's up with that bird?"
"Oh, this?" the man said, "It's called a 'Shredder' bird."
"A shredder bird?" The keep says, confused.
"Yeah. He shreds anything I tell him too." the man said.
"Prove it."
"Okay." The man looks around, finding a newspaper nearby, says, "Shredder bird, newspaper."
The bird gets down off of his shoulder, hops over to the newspaper, and shreds it until it's nothing more than confetti. He then hops back up onto the man's shoulder.
"Woah!" The bar keep says, "that was cool! Make him do it again!"
The man once again looks around, and pulls a napkin out of a dispenser, setting it down on the bar. "Shredder bird, napkin."

The bird jumps down from the man's shoulder once more, and hops over to the napkin. In no time at all, the napkin has been reduced to confetti, just like the newspaper.

While the two men continue having fun making the bird perform, a big, bad, biker man walks through the door. Pushing people out of his way, he stomps over to the bar. "Gimme a beer, now!" he roars. Looking at the man beside him, he notices the bird on his shoulder and says, "What the hell is that bird doing in here?"
"Oh, it's not just any bird," the man says, "It's a shredder bird."
The biker scoffs. "Yeah, right. Shredder bird, my @ss."

____________________________________________________
A man's young daughter walks up to him and asks, "Daddy, why is my name Rose?"
Looking at her, he smiles. "Because, sweetheart. When you were born, a rose petal fell on your forehead, so we decided to name you Rose." Satisfied with her answer, the little girl leaves. The man's next daughter walks up to him and asks, "daddy, why is my name Daisy?"
Looking at the child, he says, "because, darling. When you were born, a daisy petal fell on your forehead, so your mother and I named you Daisy." The little girl leaves with a smile.
Some time later, the man's next and last daughter walks up to him and goes, "DEE DEE DEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
The man rolls his eyes and says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

Answer 4

A BLONDE JOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First a red headed mother went into her daughters room and saw a bottle of beer and said omg my daughter drinks

A bruntee mother went into her daughters room and found a pack of sagures and said omg my daughter smokes

Then a blonde walks into her daughters room and found a condum and said omg my daughhter has a penis

Answer 5

well, From the year 1200 we have been trying to devolop the cow's mind and intellegence and after along trip of work and effort here it is in its highest dgree of intelligence reading this message.jajaja

Answer 6

so these 2 brothers go downstairs on christmas morning and see all these presents under the tree. they say "hey, lets count them and see which presents belong to who." so they count them and one kid has 99 presents and the other kid has 1 present. the kid with 99 presents says in a teasing way " i have 99 presents" and the kid with 1 present says in a teasing way "i dont have cancer..."

Answer 7

ummmm i dont know im not a funny person......

Answer 8

DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE THREE EGGS......... TWO BAD.!