I've been married for 22 years - separated for the past 2. Married because I was pregnant at age 19. I was not happy in the marriage since the beginning. He was abusive (physical for the 1st 7 years) I came home from honeymoon with 2 black eyes. Stayed for my children. He quit abusing me he turned into a wonderful husband and father but my feelings (intimately) never changed. I had written letters to him many times over the years telling him how we were missing something and he would ignore the letters. I met a man after I told him I wanted to separate this man made me feel like I was the most beautiful person on this earth something I had never felt before I got herpes & that relationship is fading but I'm having hard time . My husband would do anything to make this work he's such a great guy & loves me so much. We never fight & have so much in common. I love this man like a brother and would do anything for him and he would for me. I am hurting him so bad & feel so much guilt
2006-07-22 07:49:25 · 8 answers · asked by Dee K 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma. It sounds to me like there are some issues here.
First of all on your part a lack of self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.
When you love yourself, you don't look to anyone to help you make yourself feel like the most beautiful person on this earth because you can feel that way regardless of if anyone else thinks so. After many years in a difficult marriage it is very hard to feel good about yourself, so its a good thing you are out on your own. This is a perfect time to work on your self esteem.
I say you might have a fear of abandonment because you left one situation for another and are then thinking of getting back into the old one.
I do believe situations can change and get better and it sounds like your husband has done a lot of work to improve his life.
The problem here is that you can love him again, however you first need to find that worth and love within yourself.
Even if you don't go back to the marriage, odds are that you will just repeat the same behaviors over and over and can wind up in a worse situation.
Use this time alone to deal with your own issues and hopefully you will find the right relationship for you.
Best of luck!
2006-07-22 08:25:06 · answer #1 · answered by ididntdoitthedogdid 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps my perspective is different but it seems all this love talk is really lust talk! I mean love is when there is a sense of family...when you work as a team and not just two individuals. Love is when you care whether you hurt this person or not. Love is not the butterflies feeling. That is lust or infatuation. Maybe you do love him but you don't have the infatuation or physical attraction. It seems a western concept to fall in or out of love. Love is not a hole. You don't fall into it. Falling hurts people. Love is a bond. You can grow into loving someone. May not be mind boggling but that kind of bond stands the test of time. I think maybe you have a chnace to be that kind of couple. You got past your husband's stupid and abusive years and now you find he is finally a good man. Sounds like it is a happy relationship now. Why throw that away on the chance you might find a physical attraction which may not last?
Just my very different (and now western) opinion.
2006-07-22 15:54:18 · answer #2 · answered by felisuncia 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are out of love,you will probably never have that (in love) back, You need to divorce and move on. I know its easier said than done with children ,The best way for me to put it is make a list of positive things,and negative things that was in your 22 years of marriage.If the negative over rides the positive then you know you went through alot to get where your at, You need to start a new love and happier life,Its time for you to move on! Good luck Oh and don't you feel guilt . think of all the times you hurt for 22 years and he did not CARE, you have nothing to feel guilty about, Its time for you to work on you!
2006-07-22 15:18:05 · answer #3 · answered by queenamy814 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I were your friend I would tell you that you NEED to leave, divorce and try to find happiness before your life is over and it's too late. It's hard to say that because I know it will hurt your husband and your children. But you deserve to be happy too. Try very hard to remain friends with your husband, help him get through this. I wish you love and happiness!
2006-07-22 15:03:37 · answer #4 · answered by Lisa 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is NOW your life, not your husband's. It is about you. Make your decision based on YOU, not him. You may be alone for the rest of your life, but would that be better than being with someone you don't love??? Faced with the same mess as you...and I have no idea what I am going to do. Day by day, isn't it?
2006-07-22 15:34:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you really need to get out of this relationship its bad news and it sounds like this husband of yours has ground you so far into the dirt that you think your no good with out him in your life. get a divorce, find happiness you deserve it after that much bs. your husband is the one who should feel guilty for the sh*tty life hes given you, for all the years he took away, for all the black eyes and bruises you had to hide. you deserve so much better then this. find a real man who will love and cherish you for you and be happy
2006-07-22 15:08:17 · answer #6 · answered by rednecksurfer_roxy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you wanted to stay for the kids, butthat is no way to raise a family. Violence breeds violence. You are showing your kids the wrong way to be in a relationship.
2006-07-22 16:31:19 · answer #7 · answered by ? 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
leave its the only option!
2006-07-22 15:16:48 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋