After an affair that I had (I know, I know) we went to counselling, which my ex insisted on. I agreed, as I wanted to save the relationship. After a year at counseling, my ex said she still couldn't forgive me. 9 months later she filed for divorce. During this time (21 months) she wanted me to buy her an eternity ring, and never let up about it. As soon as she filed for divorce she started 'dating' a work colleague. Can someone please tell me why?
2006-07-22 07:33:32 · 39 answers · asked by Joe 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you can tell me why you had ther affair, Ill answer your question
2006-07-22 07:36:40 · answer #1 · answered by aprilx4u 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I don't think she was trying to get revenge in any way. 21 months is a long time to wait for revenge.
She did, however, wait 21 months for an eternity ring. Did she ever get it? Did she ever get the validation from you that you loved her? She felt horribly betrayed and gave you a major hint as to how you could soothe some of that pain - buy her an eternity ring. It would not cure what you did but it would have been a symbol of your love for her and your commitment to putting things right.
If you did buy her the ring in the end, I'm sure it had lost its meaning after having spent 21 months begging you for it.
If you did not buy her the ring, then you missed out on an opportunity to make her feel special in some small way.
She probably really wanted to forgive you, but a betrayal like that is haunting and it takes a great deal of strength on both sides to get past it.
Just because she started dating her work colleague does not mean she had been having an affair. She could have had feelings for him before the divorce but did not act on them until after she filed. Whatever happened, you know what you did was wrong. It won't help either of you to move on if you try to find fault with the way she handled it.
Forgive yourself, forgive her and move past it - just don't ever forget what lasting damage an affair can have.
2006-07-22 11:04:23 · answer #2 · answered by Dusty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you mean why couldn't she forgive you, why did she file for divorce, why did she want you to buy her an eternity ring or why did she start dating when she filed for divorce? Or why all of those things? Basically you destroyed the relationship when you had an affair. Your next mistake was in trying to save the relationship. Why don't men ever realize that this never works? Women have an infinite capacity to not forgive or forget. I know you want to know why she did all those things but just accept that you made an error of judgement, try to divorce with as little emotional turmoil as possible and for heaven's sake move on! The world is full of women! If you love and care for your next partner, just don't hurt her by having an affair!
2006-07-22 07:48:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately like ive said several times before.. Forgiving someone for cheating is alot easier then forgetting.. and i just dont think as hard as she tried that she could get over the fact that u cheated on her, she always struggled with it mentally and never felt "special" anymore, u took that away from her.. and i think it eventually ate her up inside to the point that she realized she couldnt do it anymore.. alot of times u think if u had this or that in ur life it may save the marriage.. things that u can buy, or some even have children thinking it will make it better but once its broken , its usually always going to be broken, the worse thing u can do to a relationship is cheat.. its not an easy fix.. and u destroyed a part of her that she'll never get back not even with this next guy, because now she'll never feel she can trust another man thanks to u, and if she does it will be along time to come.. But she'll probably never love another the way she loved u prior to finding out u had cheated, because now she's always going to be looking over her shoulder waiting for a man to cheat on her , no matter how much he says he loves her , she knows that its just words that just because a man says he loves her doesnt mean that he does, because of what u did.. U just destroyed someone for along time if not forever.. congradulations i hope your proud of yourself.. and instead of being bitter cause she's filed for divorce and is seeing someone new now, theres only one reason WHY.. because u broke her heart by the fact that u couldnt keep ur thing in your pants, and as much as she loves/loved u , nothing will ever repair that in her.. so ur the reason Why.. cant blame anyone but yourself..
2006-07-22 07:46:36 · answer #4 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The ring was not revenge. The cost of the ring + the time and trauma of marriage counselling + the 21 months she stayed in the marriage do not equate to the cost of the ring itself. Money (jewels, etc.) cannot compensate for hurt. She didn't ask for the ring out of revenge, but as a means of reassurance...she wanted to believe this marriage was for eternity, but all the while she was confused. She didn't know if she could forgive, if the two of you could overcome the past, if she could have feelings for somebody other than you. What she did know is that this wasn't what she had in mind for the two of you and for your marriage. She spent 21 months in limbo and confusion. The ring was a minor detail. Still, I am sorry for your pain. Perhaps look at her departure as her gift to you. 21 months is not a lifetime; she provided both of you with the opportunity for happiness...take her up on it, but steer clear of Tiffany's for a while.
2006-07-22 08:32:43 · answer #5 · answered by ophelia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes i can, it's called a woman revenge! HELLO!! do you really think she was going to forget about and forgive you... OK i know i would if i had children with the person and everything, but I'm a weirdo. That sounds like a normal woman so... she wanted a ring because she was feeling that's the least she was deserving after you cheated on her. Again, she has started dating someone else because she wants to forget about it and move on. BTW the way you say she insisted on counselling and you finally agreed, sounds like you wanted to save the relationship in the easiest way for you... i wasn't there but sounds like that.
2006-07-22 07:46:19 · answer #6 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From personal experience, once an affair takes place in a marriage you have taken the sacredness out of the marriage you can never go back no matter how much counseling you have had , so maybe she attempted to forgive you but just couldn't .
2006-07-22 15:55:15 · answer #7 · answered by TM 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's easy to forgive, it's the forgetting that's the issue. I think at first she probably thought she could continue your relationship, then she realize getting the trust back that you two once share was impossible. You damaged the relationship when you broke your vows. Did you ever get her that eternity ring? Don't blame her for the break up of your marriage. Stand up and admit you destroyed it and learn so the next time you are in a relationship you think twice before you cheat!
2006-07-22 07:54:33 · answer #8 · answered by qti36 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She tried and tried to forgive you but the betrayal was just too great and she couldn't. She wanted the ring as a sign that you still love her and are committed to the relationship. But she came to realize that the pain you caused her was just too great for forgiveness.
She obviously also used the time in therapy to move on instead of holding on. At least she started dating after filing for divorce, and that is certainly more respect than you gave her!
2006-07-22 07:48:56 · answer #9 · answered by joan w 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
can you blame her.... she tried with more gusto then most women to inspire or recapture what you took from her. she was hoping for the best when she asked for the ring she just never could get over wondering what you where up to if she would be wasting her time in the future, dude this is a big learning lesson and somtimes they hurt and this isnt a see i told you so moment but i am thinking for over 21 months she hurt and probably you have left a lasting stain on her trust for any one in the future.. if i was you i would write her a letter thanking her for teaching you a life lesson and let her know you understand why she just cant get over it . and you need to learn and move on , it may be hard but accept this mistake as somthing that has taught you somthing find a woman and discuss it with her in the begining. good luck man im sure your armed with the hurt to know better then hurt somone else.
2006-07-22 07:55:11 · answer #10 · answered by joe 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some women will never forgive their spouses for what they did in the past. It is something that is very cruel and very heartless but it happens. No one can actually tell you why she did what she did. Have you asked her?
Why did you buy her a ring if she never forgave you? You know she was putting a guilt trip on you and making you pay for your mistakes.
I realize you are hurting but you need to put this behind you and move on. Your not going to get her back so don't hurt yourself even more by trying to do so.
2006-07-22 07:43:27 · answer #11 · answered by Barb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋