How does a spouse know for certain when a marriage is over?

Question

My husband and I rarely talk (even on lengthy roadtrips). When I mentioned recently that he speaks very poorly to me (calls me bit**) and about me (falsely accuses me of being bipolar) in front of our children, he bragged that he rarely talks to me at all. In turn, I suggested that I find it peculiar that he rarely talks to me, but he still wants me to be receptive to his advances in the bedroom (the only place he shows the least bit interest in me).
We have tried counseling and one marriage retreat, but these seem to only work as temporary bandaids to all the hurt and resentment. Every time I start to feel secure enough to put my wedding bands back on (he's left a number of times & I refuse to be made a mockery of by putting on the bands, taking them off, putting them on...), he openly disregards my wishes (blowing off family picnics because he drank too much with the guys hours beforehand). The financial changes of a divorce scare me, for I know I'd have to sell my home. Advice?

Perhaps I wasn't altogether forthcoming. I don't speak nicely to him either, but I like to think my comments are rather abstract...not cutting attacks on his character. Furthermore, we're very much opposites. I'm educated and family-oriented and although he loves his children, he's much more engrossed in his own fun and comfort (his family is like this as well). I'm not defending him, but I didn't want to misrepresent myself. My children are getting older (son, 10; daughter, 6) and I truly fear that watching the way we treat each other shapes their views of us, of marriage, and of the dynamics in general between men and women.

Answer 1

I am a lawyer and I work with victims of domestic violence. Though he's not abusing you physically, he is causing you emotional abuse. This is a real type of abuse, and can be extremely hurtful and unhealthy.
When I do divorces it's very scary for these women. They can't remember what life is like without that man. The divorces are time consuming and a whole new experience for them. However, I can tell you, from my heart, they come back to me and thank me at the end. They bring their children who look so much happier who thank me, and I know that they made the right decision. A divorce is scary, selling the house is scary and moving on is really scary. However, when you begin the process it will flow pretty naturally. You will have your ups and downs, but you will get through it. Before you know it you will be in a much better place then before. Just make the first step. Hire a lawyer if you can - or go pro per (by yourself) to file the paperwork,
Don't ever stay with someone just out of fear of divorce. You are here asking this question because you know in your heart that it's over and need support. I'm giving it to you! It isn't working, and it's not going to. You've done everything you could, but it didn't happen the way you wanted. You are not a failure, and you didn't cause this. This is life, people change and then you have to be strong enough to say "enough is enough". You deserve to be completely happy in your relationship! You deserve to look at your husband and thank God that he's yours and that God blessed you with such a wonderful men. That is a healthy relationship.
There are millions of people out there. You will find someone that's right for you. That doesn't abuse you emotionally, hurt you and make you ask all these questions. I've been there - completely. I thought he was the only man, but he wasn't. If I had stayed with him I'd never have found my husband who I love dearly.
Think of your children. It IS NOT better for them to stay and be involved in an unhealthy relationship. What will they be like when they grow up? Are they learning to take whatever anyone dishes to them like their mother? Are they learning to hurt women? These are real concerns, and children learn everything about relationships from their parents.
Please, do it for yourself and do it for your children. Break free. You will feel a weight lifted off you the minute you start. Go out on Monday and make a step. There is a support system wherever you are to help. Don't be stagnant! You can do it!! Please email me with more questions. I'm here to help.

Answer 2

It is time to call it quits in ANY relationship when you put more into than you receive. You wouldn't try to keep a business running if for every dollar you invested in it, you received a nickel. Though it may be terrifying to be on your own (and selling your home), it is much worse for your children to grow up believing that the way your husband treats you is how they should treat a women or be treated by a man. It will be hard, take time, and drive you to the edge, but there will come a moment, after you leave, when you will look at your children and the freedom you have chosen will be worth the pain it took to get it. Good luck.

Answer 3

Happiness comes before finances. And if you can't break out of unhappiness, all the money in the world won't help. You could try a longer separation - you'd at least get a clear answer if he had any interest in working things out. It sounds like the answer is going to be no, but it can only work if you're both serious about it.

Answer 4

If you are thinking about divorce, the marriage is already over. My man treated me like yours did too and he was already having affairs with two other women.

Go on, there is someone who will treat you like a wonderful, loving, special woman. I know, I found one who lights up when I come in the room! It is scary, but would you rather have the pain now that you know or the happiness that may come.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Financial changes scare everyone. Sell the house and get away from him. Marriage counseling is not helping, he belittles you in front of your own children. Do you want your kids growing up hearing that kind of crap from their own father..Remember..monkey see...monkey do.
You will be fine and you will be happier in the end. Think of yourself and your children because he sure isn't. So end the mockery, take the wedding bands off and file for divorce.
I wish you luck. You are strong....hold your head up high and walk away knowing you will be standing on your feet when he is falling on his face.

Answer 6

Your children would be happier in a smaller house...and so would you. You are absolutely right. The children are being presented with an example of a deeply unhappy marriage which will be the benchmark for them if you don't get a grip on this. He has left you, he is disgustingly uncivil, he seems to have no respect for you or your children. Please ask him to leave, and if he doesn't, go, and don't look back.

Answer 7

Doesn't it seem to anyone that Husband is acting downright mean and cruel? What justification could there be for name calling and disrespecting you in front of your children? Counseling is great but if your partner has a personality disorder won't he always treat you like a sadist? Props to you for being able to recognize when you are being mistreated. I say if you are absolutely certain his cruelty will continue then you need to work on a plan to rescue yourself and your children.

Answer 8

Dr. Laura's book Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

WHY? It CHANGED my life and marriage. At first, you'll think "what the hell is this?" Then it will sink in. Trust me on this one. From one WOMAN to ANOTHER. Your marriage is worth saving, if not only for yours and your husband's sake, but for your CHILDREN!

Best wishes for a HAPPY and LONG marriage!

PS, it's short reading. You could finish it in a couple of days, depending on your schedule. I'd take a walk to a local park or beach or other quiet place and read it. I hid the title from my husband originally, but showed it to him after we talked the first time when I finished the book! Amazing!!!

Answer 9

He is still attracted to you as he wants you in the bedroom. But it seems to be a lack of communication with you both. If you have discussed and been to couseling and nothing has helped. You may have to sell the house and move on. If his name is not on the house only yours, then it is your call as to what means are you willing to put up with or do to be happy. If your not happy no one around you is going to be happy either.

Answer 10

Try to ignore him. Don't talk to him, don't include him in the family get togethers. Don't give him the bed room treats. He will notice this change and wonder what is going on. If he ask why you don't include him when there is family get togethers tell him you never want to go and that you didn't want to bother him. When he notices that he hasn't been getting goodies in the bed room tell him he hasn't been a good boy and until he deserves his goodies he won't get um. Give it a try. what could it hurt.