I just turned 50, and the love of my life just turned 40. She has had a history of mental health issues and also some crimes (embezzlement, bad checks and felony assault on a law officer). She's been married twice, and both of them made her look like a saint. She is working hard through therapy (and so am I) and getting better by the day. My biggest concern is her 12 year old daughter.
My counselor says if I come into this household, the daughter would see me as an intrusion. Kids now know its easy to say "he touched me in a bad place" and POOF you are gone. I am in healthcare and would fail my background check.
I love her a lot. Is this situation just to FUBAR for me to be part of?
(FUBAR=Fouled up beyond all recognition--or something like that).
2006-07-22 07:01:45 · 11 answers · asked by photonic_beam 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Good for you for consulting your counselor! It takes a man who cares about himself and his life to work on making good choices and healing old wounds!
In my humble opinion...It's not really worth it. Relationships need to have a fighting chance as it is to work. You have too many obstacles in this situation. There are many women who don't come with such baggage even though she's working through them with therapy.
But in order to make this work, I would suggest that the family unit participate in therapy as well. There has to be some serious ground rules set as to what your parenting role will be and you must agree with the way she parents as well.
You are working against some serious odds, but it can be done!
Best of luck to you all!
2006-07-22 08:09:38 · answer #1 · answered by ididntdoitthedogdid 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When you say you would fail your background check, I'm not sure what you mean.
If you have a history of child molestation or if you find this child attractive, then yes, please do stay away.
Otherwise, perhaps you are just worrying too much or perhaps you need to look at why you are overly worried about this .. are you looking for ways OUT of getting married?
Well, good luck .. your friend's history suggests that her daughter too will have some emotional health issues .. looks like you are all walking wounded .. but that's not to say you shouldn't get into this .. just be aware that you can all be greatly supportive of each other, or at the other extreme, totally FUBAR as you call it.
If you are worried about being misjudged, then do maintain healthy boundaries with this child. Don't indulge in tickling games or invade her privacy, don't cuddle or climb into bed with her to read a bedtime story, and try not to be alone in the house with her.
2006-07-22 07:16:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're accepting all of the issues that your woman has had, and it's the fact that she has a daughter that is what's holding you up?
On the surface, I would say no, but the biggest problem is your reluctance. How is the relationship with the daughter now? You're already "intruding" so why would it be different? Feel that out a little more and you'll get a sense of what the future will be like.
2006-07-22 07:06:23 · answer #3 · answered by justwebbrowsing 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This child will be turned over to the system and could end up in a foster home. Sometimes that is good but most of the time NOT. Why do you have to come into the household and experience hurt all over again. If it is agreeable to mother offer to care for child in your home. Give this child just plain old affection and stable enviroment. Can you do that?
2006-07-22 07:11:51 · answer #4 · answered by ARLENE H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, my dad took in a 12 year old step daughter at 60, and it turned out fine.
My best friend's father took her in and almost adopted her, she was 12 and he was 50. And you know what? She was so starved for a father figure that she absolutely adored him. He died several years ago, and she never got over it.
Be more concerned about the woman you're marrying, IMHO.
2006-07-22 07:12:07 · answer #5 · answered by emilsignia 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I think you should wait to enter this household until the love of your life has been making healthy decisions for several months. Let her get well first before you add another wave to this situation. Then, all three of you should go to counseling together to help with the "transition" of you into their day to day lives. Good luck!
2006-07-22 07:08:11 · answer #6 · answered by julesl68 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't touch her in the wrong place, don't help her at bath time, etc, and you should be fine. I hope this woman isn't too much for you to handle, though, if she has put her life of crime behind her, maybe it will work out for you, but don't marry her if she is a criminal. That would just be trouble for you.
2006-07-22 07:05:56 · answer #7 · answered by Hi : 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not just keep the status quo? The relationshi seems to be working, just give it more time. If you make a move now you are headed for disaster! Neither of you seem so together, so why rush in ( only fools rush in), just stay in therapy and see what happens!
2006-07-22 07:57:30 · answer #8 · answered by joan w 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
askios..exactly i agree with every thing you are saying..theres nothing more for me to add except you are never too old to take on a woman who you love and her sibbling. good luck what ever your decition will be.
2006-07-22 07:24:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
go up to her daughter and tell her that you don't want to intrude. tell her that you really love her mom and wants to make both of them happy. tell her that if she doesn't want you there, then you'll try your best not to be around so often.
2006-07-22 07:09:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋