Any advice on this letter as an initial contact letter?

Question

Please critique if you would as I would love the advice...I will be startin as an agent soon:

August 1, 2005



Dear Mr./Ms. ________________

I recently retired from Honda after 25 years in the business. I wanted to thank you for your support over the years. I appreciate those of you who referred others to come and see me. Because of that, I had a very successful career.

I will now be assisting my son-in-law, (name), to get his new business off the ground as an American Family Insurance Agent. After considering several insurance agencies, (name) felt that American Family was the company in which he would be most proud to represent. Working at (car dealer) for over 16 years as a sales manager, he has always shared the same work ethic as I have, which has always been to work hard and treat clients with the utmost respect.

If you are in need of insurance (Life, Health, Auto, Home), please consider talking with (name). You may reach him at (phone number).

Answer 1

Overall good. Changes proposed are subtle and not drastic. I would change some of the wording and phrasing. I'm not an English teacher (but mom was and I had the toughest high school English teacher ever) so don't take what I'm saying as 100% perfect. If the changes in the phrasing sound too stilted, or not like language you would use, then don't use them. If you are sending this to people who know you well, they will see it as too formal. In fact, you may want to write a different letter for people you know on a very personal level and leave this one just for acquaintances.

(Revised letter below)

I recently retired from Honda after 25 years in the business and want to thank you for your support over the years. I appreciate those of you who referred others to me; your loyalty played an important part in my career success.

I am currently assisting my son-in-law, (name), in the development of his new business as an American Family Insurance Agent. After considering several insurance agencies, (name) felt that American Family was the company that he would be most proud representing. As a sales manager at (car dealer) for over 16 years he has always shared the same work ethic as I have, which has always been to work hard and treat clients with the utmost respect.

If you or a member of your family are in need of insurance (Life, Health, Auto, Home), please consider talking with (name). We are eager to earn your business and develop a long-term relationship with you. You can reach (name) at (phone number).

Answer 2

Perfect

Answer 3

Sounds good and professional to me

Answer 4

I think it is very nice. It covers who, what, where, and why without going overboard. Well done.