How can I help my best guy friend to "come out"?

Question

He's my best friend. Everyone from our close group of friends know he's gay and we're totally OK with it. I don't have the guts to ask him point-blank, but I'd like for him to feel supported. He's from a very conservative family. I can sense that not coming out is stressing him tremendously. What to do?

I've accidently seen him in romantic encounters with other guys..(him being unaware of my presence, of course)

Answer 1

Greetings Cleo.. I think it's wonderful that you are in such strong support of your friend, there needs to be more people like you in the world. But, the worst thing you can do to anyone is "out" them (on any level, gay, religion, substance abuse) until they are ready to out themselves, then that is their choice and deed to be done. The result of a premature announcement will be far more stressing than them choosing the time and place to "come out". They may have very real reasons why they are waiting to get out of school, or move out, or something of the like.

Continue letting your friend know that you accept them and their choices, and that they are loved by you and your circle of friends, and that you are there to support them in the future as well.

Your friend is very lucky! You sound like a caring and intelligent friend. That's very rare, keep it up!
Good luck, and Brightest of Blessings, Lotus

Answer 2

I've been down this road, and it's not up to yoiu to help him come out. Coming out is a very personal thing, and when he's ready he will. You could suggest going to a gay club, just the two of you, to show him that you are fine with it. This is what I did. Then my friend started asking me if I wanted to go again, and thus, I finally asked him "what was up?" "Did he know yet, or was he still trying to figure things out"? He finally came out to me, and then I was able to support him as he told our other friends, and he didn't tell them all at once, nor did I tell them. Each time he was going to tell some, or just one, he'd let me know and he'd always call afterward~ even though each time went well. It took a few months for all to "know" (even though we all knew anyway), but I never pushed him. And he also hasn't told his family yet, but they are very conservative and not from the US either, so that'll be another obstacle in the future. Just be supportive. You sound like a good friend

Answer 3

Info from PFLAG FAQ: How should I approach (and support) a youth who I think may be gay?

The perception by a third party of someone else’s sexual orientation or gender identity is not always what it appears to be and to offer support for being “gay” to someone who is not gay or who is still trying to work out whether or not they are gay could be counter-productive. Unless the person has actually declared that they are “gay” we cannot know whether they are or not. I always recommend that people let it be known through their stance and aspect “that being gay is OK”. This can be achieved by a willingness to talk about topics such as gay marriage, gay rights, and a general sense of acceptance of things “gay”. This conveys the message to the person being perceived as gay that if they are gay it would be safe to let it be known without having to fear for the consequences. Obviously this is not an easy task and needs to be done with tact and diplomacy. It is seldom appropriate to ask the person, "Are you gay?", as they may well be frightened by the question. If you follow the tips above, and if the person feels secure and wants you to know, they will tell you in their own good time.

Answer 4

Well, since you have seen him in compromising positions, there is no worry that he might not be gay (or at least bi).
This is the thing - gay folk will come out when THEY feel they are ready, and pushing them will likely drive them further into the closet of denial. Don't do it. I repeat, do NOT do anything to "make" him come out. His conservative family's upbringing means he is dealing with a lot of stuff, and you need to sit back and allow him to own that and find a way to deal with it.
The very best thing you and your close group of friends can do is what you are already doing: support him and be his friend. Don't allow him to lie to you about who he really is, because that is not really friendship. Just allow him to be your friend and respect him enough to let him come to terms with who he is. He will come out if and when he feels ready. Nobody's perfect, and it may take a while.

Answer 5

Hmm it sounds like your a good friend to him by being supportive and not pushing the issue. It is very difficult him being from a Conservative family to really step into the unknown with them. I would just say how I feel with him but that's me I can be very blunt sometimes to much he he. Use your gut for the right time when it's just you and him and ask him how he feels about a relationship with a man or if he is attracted that you love him as his friend and support whatever makes him feel whole and complete, you got his back.

Answer 6

You don't know he's gay for certain, and if he is, it's something he has to come to terms with himself, all you do is be supportive, but you shouldn't ask him point-blank anyway. So basically no, you can't help him come out, as you don't even know if he's gay. Just be a friend, do the same things you always did, what difference does it make if he's gay or not, he's still your best friend, nothing's changed anyway.

Answer 7

If he doesn't "know you know" as such, I think it's probably a bad idea to ask him. Other people will disagree, and I guess it depends on the individual, but I think the best way to play it is to make sure he knows that you're cool with it. Casually mention another gay friend, or (if he hasn't already) bring up some gay rights issues, and make sure he knows where you stand on them. Try not to feel offended if he's not ready to tell you; the closer you are to someone the harder it often is, and it is something he needs to do on his own time.

Answer 8

The only way of conveying support without directly asking him is to talk about homosexuality/bisexuality in general conversation (e.g. current affairs). Don't start a conversation on homosexuality or it will seem obvious. Instead, wait until there is something major in the news (e.g. a politcal scandal, a gay bishop, or something about gay weddings) and lead on to that subject (about the news article) without making suggestions. Don't spend too long on the subject, or it will seem obvious. Once you're on the subject, you can offer sympathy to gay/bi people. If he asks you any questions, then be supportive. Otherwise, change the subject. The aim is not to get him to come out to you then and there - the aim is to somehow convey the impression that should he ever choose to come out to you, then he knows he'll have your support.

Answer 9

Dont come right out and ask that could really hurt his feelings. If your old enough go to a gay club or start asking like oh that man is hot what do you think? Or if you know the guy that he was getting intamte with say something like oh the man is so cute I would love to go out with him! Just hint around!

Answer 10

If you truly care for him, drop it. If he wants to, he will. "Coming out" is not only hard on unsuspecting family members, but sometimes makes it tough for the person, because of the way others (bosses, neighbors, peers, etc) feel. Your friend might not be ready for all that. And no one says he ever has to, there's a wide world out there that closed minded people refuse to see.
Let him decide, but keep being a great friend,