Would you leave or live your life and take care of your husband?

Question

My husband has schizophrenia. He is incapable of being a husband in the real sense. He sleeps all day, won't leave the house. I support him and the children. We've been through so much with his paranoia and physical symptoms I just see him as a fourth child now. I've met someone who is in a similar situation. He and I talk a lot and see each other once a week. I don't want to leave my husband because I need to take care of him, but I also need someone in my life who makes me feel normal if only for an hour a week. I could leave my husband so I'm not guilty about the affair or I could just keep it from him and take care of him and keep life good for him. What would you do? He's asleep and not too aware of what's going around him most of the time.

Yes. My husband is medicated. He's been hospitalized for a month in the past four and still has symptoms (voices, seeing things, paranoia) on top of being very drugged. It's very, very sad to watch him deteriorate.

Answer 1

You are a Saint for going through all that you have. There is no way that I could do it. No way. I can't see anyone ever judging you for divorcing in this situation.

I am guardian for my grandmother who has Alzheimer's. She is 86, but she gets around like a teenager. She can run faster and climb higher than I ever could. There is no way that I could safely keep her at home. She lives in a wonderful home for people who have memory problems and I visit her a few days a week.

Putting her there was such a difficult decision, but I've got to tell you that after she went there, I was finally able to sleep at night. I know that she is safe and that she is very well cared for. It's expensive, but she has plenty of money to live out the rest of her life there.

Reading your story made me think of some of the people who live there and the families who visit their loved one's. There are husband's that visit wives of 50+ years. I know that they did not want their wives to leave home, but everyone reaches a point where they just can't do it anymore. It's just too much to have to take care of a person with serious mental problems. It's much, much different that taking care of a spouse with physical problems.

Because mental illness is so unpedictable, it could easily put you and your children at risk having a person with this illness in your home. It's not like taking care of a man who is paralized or something. It's totally different. Schizophrenia must be so much worse than Alzheimer's, too. I can't even imagine what you and your kids go through.

There are other options for your husband. If his parents or siblings can't care for him, there are places that can. You and your children deserve to be happy. It can't be a pleasant thing for your children to have to live with his condition day in and day out.

I can't see you staying married and ever having a real life with anyone else. It would not be fair to you or to the new man in your life. It seems that divorce would be the best answer, but you are the only one that can make that decision.

You deserve some good years in your life and you deserve to be loved and cared for as you have loved and cared for every one else around you. I hope that you can find some happiness in your life. Best wishes.

Answer 2

Wow this is a really tough situation. The so called right thing to do is take care of him, it was part of the vows and exactly how i answer all the when do you know when to get married questions. However, the reality of the situation means you have to give up your life and happiness for someone who doesn't have the mental capactiy to actually deal with the world. Its so much easier when someone is to blame. Does he have any family that helps you care for him or are you on your own? The affair i can't blame you for and wouldn't think of begrudging you an hours happiness a week. I wish I had an answer for you that made sense. If you leave him what happens to him? He can't take care of himself so where does he go? Perhaps if you can find a good alternative method of getting him care leaving him wouldn't be so bad. When things happen to the body that is one thing, but when the mind goes and that person essentially doesn't exist anymore thats a whole different subject and really isn't like leaving 'him' at all, just a shell but at the same time you can't dump him on the street. I'm sorry I have been of no help to you here, I truly wish I could be. I wish you the very best of luck though!

Answer 3

why did you marry him in the first place if he had this problem, you were not born to be a lifetime care giver, unless you choose to, than its for better or worse till death do we part.........but I believe you got into something you thought you can handle, but u cannot, if you could say to yourself I gave this my best shot there is no more I can do, if I keep living like this I will end up as he is, than I would believe it would be time to move on, is he getting the proper treatment, taking his meds, because most people can live a rather normal life with these illnesses, but not totally, its a disability, if it was you do you believe he would stay and take care of you? Deep inside is he a good person? what about the children? How would all this effect them? I would most certainly seek some counseling it is a good idea to have a third party give you his or her ideas, it will help. If in the meantime you still are determined to have this affair, make sure it stays discreet, very discreet, but you are going to have to make some type of decision soon, do not let all this ride on forever and an affair might help you feel better but the decision I am speaking of is your whole situation, good luck and God Bless.

Answer 4

I was in a very similar situation with my husband. I consulted a lawyer and found that I could not divorce the hubby without having to pay support for him. He was not able to live on his own so I had to pay the support. My luck improved when his health took a turn for the better and he moved out. When he filed for the divorce it meant that I was not responsible for his support. Strange laws, but I'm free. I also had a "child" instead of a husband - one who was not really able to "function" as my husband if you know what I mean. My life is fantastic now. I am happy and able to do what I want. I pray that you find the same.

Answer 5

Did you not marry him in sickness and in health? You are his wife and you took those vows. I am a fine one to talk even though I say myself when things aren't going well I am going to leave. It's not the answer. If you love your husband you will stand by him through anything. I am not an expert at all on this subject I just call 'em as I see 'em. Look for answers from the "Sky Boss" (as my husband calls Him). In otherwords pray to Him. That's a good name since the whole sky covers all of us and He sees all. He never gives us more than we can handle. I understand your needs, and He does too. So, things aren't helpless. Good luck to you and maybe you can talk to someone else that knows more about this subject than I do. Maybe a counselor or a Minister or someone who you know you can trust to help you through. Not another man. This is just the way I see it. Hang in there!

Answer 6

Honestly, it depends on love. If you love him, you could be there for him but still not be in love with him. I would move on, and find someone who is normal, but still be there for you husband as a friend, or take him to a hospital, maybe have him talk with phycologists. I`m really not sure what to do, because I have never had it happen, it`s kind of a freak accident..I hope the best for you though, in whatever decision you make for you and your children, because your children to not need to grow up and see their father in that environment and mental stage. But i would explain to them exactly what is going on, and maybe their opinions on what they want to do (if they are old enough to understand.) Hope it helped..Sorry if it didn't

Answer 7

Everyone has needs, including you. You are caring for your husband and as far as I am concerned, you are being a good wife. Taking time once a week to meet with someone that understands and helps to keep you sane isn't wrong in my book.

Answer 8

You didn't mention if he was on medication and trying to get better. Medication is a good thing when used properly. You're in a tough position and of course deserve happiness. On the other hand your responsibility is to your husband. You know what........whatever your choice is, do it for your children and try to be happy. I wish you well

Answer 9

I would be concerned about leaving him causing a break. You also need to take care of yourself. Its a tuff situation and I'm afraid there are no right answers. You have to do whats right for you. I hope everything works out. Good luck and god bless.

Answer 10

my aunt suffers from schizophrenia its terrible and I wonder what the future holds for her her boyfriend also keeps her in the house she doesnt do well in public.we marry in sickness and in health you should take care of him and people should not judge they are not in your shoes and you need love too as long as nobody gets hurt i feel its ok example if god forbid my or anybodys husband was in a wheel chair and couldnt have sex anymore but we had needs would you leave or satisfy youself with another men have sick wifes and call escorts why not.