There are many times i want to not only fan his butt or smack his mouth for swearing but lately i feel like i'm losing control and i want to physically hurt him (but i don't).we tried seeking help for him and it didnt work.What can i do so i don't lose control and hurt him.I have tried just about everything i know. This isn't only hurting me but ruining my marriage because the mother doesnt want to punish him the same way......Am i the one who is psycho for feeling this way and do i need the mental help instead of my son???
2006-07-21 12:45:54 · 20 answers · asked by papabear11_99_2000 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
There are many times i want to not only fan his butt or smack his mouth for swearing but lately i feel like i'm losing control and i want to physically hurt him (but i don't).we tried seeking help for him and it didnt work.What can i do so i don't lose control and hurt him.I have tried just about everything i know. This isn't only hurting me but ruining my marriage because the mother doesnt want to punish him the same way......Am i the one who is psycho for feeling this way and do i need the mental help instead of my son???
ok now to add more since i left out some stuff that i shoud have entered,We are in counseling,son has been diagnosed bi-polar,He is 12 yrs old, He was abused by his real father as a child (I'm the step-father).Even though he has the bi-polar the doctors say he can still cocntrol his anger and actions.(anger example-went after his mom with baseball bat).......now y'all know....lol..........so am i the one who is still nuts?
2006-07-22 00:47:30 · update #1
You don't say how old your son is or if he's your eldest or only child. I raised 2 boys and each one was different but I can totally empathize with what you are going through. Here's some ideas you might try:
1) Talk to his school counsellor, have they noticed similar problems at school. If they have then chances are good that you can get a referral from them to a psychologist who can help. You may have already gone this route as you do say you have tried seeking help but it didn't work. Maybe he needs more than psychological help, maybe it's something like ADD or ADHD, that can cause serious anger issues - I know because one of my boys was ADHD and had those problems. Get an appointment with your family doctor and see what he thinks about having him tested.
2) It's just possible that what you are experiencing is a normal part of growing up. Boys do like to "show off" at stages in their life and assert themselves, I call it the "I'm not a baby anymore" stage. Trouble is, they're not adult enough yet to handle their emotions and as a result they upset everyone in their circle with their "look at me all grown up" attitude which then leads to even more anger at the fact they are being ignored or brushed off by friends and family.
3) It just might be that you have problems with your own emotions as you watch your "baby" approach manhood. This can make a lot of dads uncomfortable. It's not easy to listen to your "baby" use grown up language, however inappropriately. Think back to when you were his age and how your parents treated you. Did you behave in the same way? How did your parents respond to you? We often repeat the same behavior patterns our parents used.
You say your wife doesn't want to phsical punishment, what does she want to do and does it work? If what she does has a good result then maybe you fel you are losing control. There are times in a child's life when he is closer to one parent than the other. I know with my boys they got closer emotionally to me in their early teens because they didn't feel I threatened them in any way. Their dad was "king of the jungle" and they just couldn't cope with their feelings toward each other at a difficult time.
As a last resort you might try seeking help yourself, I don't think you're "psycho" you just have to learn how to be the father of a teen, it's not easy.
I hope this helps
2006-07-21 13:11:03 · answer #1 · answered by Sandtone 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are usually reasons behind that kind of behavior....and it might be a really good thing if you AND your son went to counseling together. If Mom will go to...thats even better.
My daughter, who's 17, acted the same way, and like you, I was at my wit's end on what to do, how to handle her, and what was going on. I was completely lost, and couldn't understand why a simple question or statement from me had her up in arms and yelling and screaming. Through counseling, and a question from a friend that made me think.....I found out that her father sexually molested her, several times, when she was 8 years old! Unfortunately, she didn't tell me until I questioned her about him "touching" her in places she didn't feel comfortable with, and at an age that was several years past the events. FORTUNATELY....we are past that, through counseling, attending church together, and doing more things together. I am just grateful that I left him when I did when she was 9 years old....so it wasn't long term, like it could have been. She has no contact with him, neither do I....except when the child support doesn't show up, and that's fine with both of us.
If nothing else....just sit him down, and ask him bluntly...."What did I do to deserve so much of your anger? Tell me and I'll do something about it if I can!"
Sometimes, that's all it takes....then again....sometimes it takes that and more, but patience is called for no matter what.
UPDATE: If he's been diagnosed with bi-polar, then medication might be a way to go. My oldest daughter, who's 29, is also bi-polar, and can fly off the handle and you never see it coming! But when she's faithful in taking her medication, things are a lot better, and those episodes don't happen. It's not an easy road, for them OR for you...but ask about the medication issue and see what can be done to HELP him....and you. And I admire you for taking on this challenge...it won't be easy, but strength (which you seem to have in abundance) and love will persevere.
2006-07-21 12:53:17 · answer #2 · answered by CoastalCutie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
no. if your son is truley violent and disrespectful, he may either be going through some stuff or it could be something more serious.
he may have Bipolar Disorder, but only a psuchologist can make the proper diagnosis.
if he has had coucling that didnt wrok, try a psychologist who can narrow down the problem and help fix it.
also, try sitting down and talking to him about it. asking if he is alright, if everything is going ok in school or if something is bothering him. do it when he is in a better mood, not angered....sometimes a simple heart to heart is much more effective than yelling and screaming. I don't know whow old your son is but I'm sixteen and I would much rather preffer to be talked to and reasoned with like an adult when I'm not already pissed.
good luck man!
2006-07-21 12:50:54 · answer #3 · answered by Miss. Advice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, you and your wife need counseling IN ADDITION to the counseling your son needs to resume. Counseling will help you deal with fury caused by your son’s anger and behavior. While there is a time for some type of physical discipline, my opinion is that once a kid hits the double digits, physical discipline has little positive effect. As a toddler, the hand pop, or the diaper pop, leave no lasting physical pain. The pop is more for the noise than for any type of physical sensation.
Based on your description of your son’s behavior, I believe he is experiencing something that is troubling him. Whether it is coming to terms with adolescence and all that that entails, or whether it is something occurring while at school, or other activities, he needs to know it is OK to talk about it. If the two of you have enjoyed a close emotional relationship, you need to tell him that he can still use you for a sounding board no matter what the topic is. If he feels more comfortable speaking with someone else, give him permission to do so, and let him know it will not hurt your feelings. Tell him it is OK for men to experience mood changes, feel uncomfortable about some things, and to talk freely about it. Try jump-starting the conversation by broaching the common topics of sex, drugs, girls, boys, religion, nerdy parents, etc. A small dose of self-deprecating humor might break the ice. A large dose of loving concern can never hurt. Another approach is to confide something to your son, especially if you have any kind of an idea what is causing him to show out as he is. Try starting the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “Hey, I need your advice. One of my coworkers told me that he thinks his kid (fill in the blanks here) and wants to know my opinion on how to talk to his kid about it.” Tell your son your thoughts on the topic in such a manner that he learns you will not kick him out of the house, or think he is Satan’s spawn, if the topic is the same as what is bothering him.
As the child of an abusive father, I salute you for recognizing and controlling your urge to hurt your son. You will reap benefits from that control as your son moves into adulthood. Too many people in my situation end up without part of their parental support team to help them later in life. I miss having a father, but I do not miss the man that fathered me. Along those same lines, if there has been some bad blood between the two of you, it cannot hurt to make the first move towards reconciling the problem.
Like any other relationship, some of the bumps are easy to take; others take time to repair. Try not to let your son hear you and your wife argue about discipline issues that involve him. When you argue with your wife, leave your pride at the door. The two of you owe it to each other not to let your son’s issues break up your marriage. Put some of the little things back into the mix with your wife to let her know you love her, respect her, and that you still want her. During your next middle-of-the-night run to Wal-Mart, grab some of the $3.00 flowers. I never get over how flowers patch such big “oopsie-owies.”
Best wishes,
Will D
Enterprise AL
2006-07-21 13:34:31 · answer #4 · answered by Will D 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, you're not the only parent that has felt like they wanted to knock their kid around, if everyone is honest. It sounds like you both could use some therapy, and there is nothing wrong with that. Your son can get the help he needs for his anger issues, and you can learn to cope with him better. This is really all part of being a parent, and you must be a pretty good one, because you've recognized the problem, and are addressing it. God bless, and good luck.
2006-07-21 12:54:53 · answer #5 · answered by mojojo66 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How old is him? I know exactly how you feel, however, our kids behaviour is always a reflexion of what we are. If you spend more time with him, like teaching him things you know that might distract him from doing the wrong things, I feel that would change the situation. Like for instance, if you guys share something in common like let's say "fishing" he will get closer to you because then you guys will have something to talk about, it doesn't matter what the topic is, what matters is that the more punishments the worse it will get. So try to get close and see what he is into as of hobbies and share them with him. The only way to keep our kids close is to share.
2006-07-21 12:51:50 · answer #6 · answered by Lilly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son's issues do need to be dealt with, they aren't going to just go away (like his mother might think). However, violence isn't the answer. You need to get him into counseling and stick it out with him. Counseling isn't a quick fix, but it will help if you make him go. Not only should he be in counseling alone, but you should also be going to family counseling sessions too.
2006-07-21 12:48:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on how old your son is. If he is old enough to express himself verbally, try talking to him about his anger over a board game or a game of b-ball. If he is younger, try to get him to draw a picture of what is making him angry. Sit with him while he draws and ask him to explain to you what he is drawing.
Being an older cousin of many boys, I have noticed that they open up most when they are in an environment that is most comfortable. They'll even talk if you ask them to help cook dinner.
2006-07-21 12:50:11 · answer #8 · answered by Meesh 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When someone is having mental issues, it affects the whole family. You should go to therapy as well, because you can learn affective strategies to deal with his anger.
2006-07-21 12:49:06 · answer #9 · answered by Lady Sardonyx 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
like father like son??? I would get some family counseling - if he is a teenager - this is the norm of what happens - stick with it and he'll grow up eventually.
2006-07-21 12:53:28 · answer #10 · answered by dvm2b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋