Are cheaters always cheaters?

Question

My husband cheated on me several times... before we were married and afterwards. We have been seperated now for a little over a year. We have been hanging out as friends again and getting along ok. I dont trust that he wont cheat on me again but i dont know for sure and he says he learned his leason when i left him. Should we get counseling and try to save the marriage or should I not waste my time anymore? Are cheaters always cheaters????

Answer 1

I would give him a second chance if he cheated once...maybe. But more than once? No way! He's a habitual cheater. Is that the kind of life you deserve -to never be first in your husbands eyes, because the one he doesn't know is always going to take precedence over the one he does in your marriage? What about your children? You are going to let them grow up thinking it's ok for him to disrespect their mamma? You are teaching them not to value you, and you will teach your sons that it is ok to mistreat their wives, and your daughters are going to just accept their husbands treating them like crap. You may not even have kids, but if you ever want to , look at the future, don't screw up your family for the next several generations by allowing this to continue. Love yourself more than that. And if you can't love yourself, love your children & grandchildren. They all say they learned their lesson, why else would most women take their piece of trash cheaters back? Kick his butt to the curb, then run over it several times! No mercy!!

Answer 2

I totally believe that people are capable of changing. We were born with options...not a definite trait that says we will ALWAYS do this or ALWAYS do that. I hate to see any marriages fail...try counseling...but I in no way am I saying to be a fool either. If this is a pattern he has always shown, for many years now, how can he say he's really done this time? Just b/c you were gone, yes, he missed you and truly believes he can do anything to get you back, but once your ARE back, will his mentality go back to the way it was? Think long and hard about it...see how he responds in counseling....maybe you should stay apart a little longer. And PLEASE, don't be sleeping with him...then he's not really missing you, is he?

Answer 3

There is no hard-and-fast rule regarding this. As the cliche` goes, a leopard never changes his spots, but there certainly are people with enough conviction and strength of character to make meaningful changes in their attitudes & their lives.

What concerns me is that he has cheated even BEFORE you were married, so this seems to be a pretty entrenched part of his life style. I would suggest counselling with a qualified therapist would be well worth the investment of time, effort, and money. You don't need the shattering experience of trusting him again, and later discovering he intends to violate that trust.

Best wishes for you both.

Answer 4

IMO, cheaters are cheaters. If you are ok with an ocassional "cheat", then your marriage can probably be saved. Just be honest and realistic with yourself. But if you're absolutely not ok with it - look elsewhere; you're wasting your time with him. Sounds like it was NOT a one-time mistake or bad judgement on his part, but a repeated pattern - in which case, the probablility is that it will continue repeating itself.

Answer 5

Sometimes, sometimes not.

Usually if a guy gets caught at something (cheating, stealing, etc...) he will either stop forever and learn his lesson...OR he will keep doing it, and just use more caution.

My co-worker married a guy who cheated on her a lot too (totally stupid, but hey, girls are like that)...and he stopped cheating on her, but he still totally disrespects her all the time. He'll stand her up on dates constantly...it's just an overall lack of respect for her. The cheating may have stopped...but the same characteristics and dynamics of the relationship are.

Answer 6

Hmmm. People cheat for a reason. What was the reason? Alcohol? Drugs? Opportunity? If the reason goes away, the cheating will go away. If he says there was no reason, he may not know, but there was a reason. On the other hand, he may know what the reason was. The reason can be discovered. Whether it can be fixed, I do not know. Cheating multiple times, in my view, makes it less likely that it can be fixed.

Answer 7

No, sometimes people do change and grow up as time passes. People do stupid things when they are younger and grow out of it as they age. It is possible for a person to change. You were married to him and probably know him very well. Do YOU think he can change? Personally, I would let him go. But each person must do what is right for them. Good luck.

Answer 8

I like to imform ladies that I'm not faithful to any one lady. and it seems to work well with my lady friends. they expect nothing more of me than friends with benefits. I think that if a guy or gal is going to cheat then they should only engage in friendships that consist of benefits only. that way no bodies feeling are gettin hurt. sorry to hear that you've been subjected to the type that has no insight for your feelings.

Answer 9

A leopard never changes their spots...UNTRUE.
If it is important enough anything can happen, but dont fool yourself into thinking cos he says he has changed that you can go back and pikup where you left off. You need to learn new ways of interracting and that requires outside help...Try AVP

Answer 10

i think you should at least give him the chance to try and prove to you that he's supposedly "changed"... because some people actually DO change, and things get all better again... some people just lie because they are desperate...
you just need to figure out the difference...
watch for the signs..
and be careful :)