Follow up to should i divorce my husband or stay and be unhappy.?

Question

Thanks to everyones great advice. The problem is I just seperated from him for the 2nd time in our marriage. I made him leave and it lasted 2 and half months. He called several times a day crying and telling me he understood and all he wanted was to be with me and the kids. I thought he finally understood and he came home. In one week everything was the same. I know he needs free time to himself I have always allowed him to do whatever he wanted but he has never chosen me in all these years. He has also never allowed me to go and do things. No girls night out, no dinner with a friend, always accusation if I got home late for work etc. Out of control. He can do what he wants when he wants but I wasn't and that sucks. I have a very stressful demanding job also and I am not given free time to get out. He says, Go its fine do what you want. When I do, he calls me several times while Im gone and what to know who and where I have been the whole time. Im a grown adult!!!!

Answer 1

Abusers come in all different forms and what you are experiencing is emotional abuse. Your husband is controlling you. Take it from someone who has been there. I never gets easier, it only gets worse. They push you to the limit then beg for forgiveness. As soon as they get it, they gain even more control and get even worse. Only you can break this cycle. You have to decide if you can live this way. I decided I couldn't. My life has been much happier since even though there were hard times since I had 3 kids to raise.

Answer 2

Sorry to hear you are 31. You have managed to make it to the magical insane world of the thirty year old. I personally can attest to these facts. You no longer want to be a wife or mother. You look over your life and start evaluating it. The why should I's and the what if's start invading your every thought of the day. You begin to feel caged. You really don't want to be married but you do. You really don't want to be a mother but you do. This is worse than the teen years. You realize mortality is a dream of the children. Worst of all it is all his fault. If he wouldn't have married you and you wouldn't have had his children your life would have been a whole lot better. Hey, it passes. Hang in there. Go get some martial counseling, tell him you need a breath of fresh air for yourself before you go crazy. Your night out and his night in. Stop asking, if you didn't ask him before marriage why ask now. Re-evaluate yourself it is OK. Do you like who you have become? If not take a step back into your memory and see who you was before you became Mom and wife. What attracted you to your husband in the first place? Be honest with yourself. If he is not the same person then you are in trouble otherwise you are just having the 30's syndrome.

Answer 3

Sounds like he hasn't grown up yet. He doens't want to share his toy with others, but doesn't want anyone to tell him how to play. You leave out too many details to get to the point of the matter. Is the reason you separated because of infidelity? If so, and he's not changed when he comes back home, then you have to stand firm and tell him that that kind of life is unacceptable and he'll have to live somewhere else. I know that divorce seems like the only answer here, but it may not be last resort. I don't know if this is true, but it sounds like you haven't both gotten any counseling before coming back together. Your hubby has to know that someone else feels the same way about this that you do, and will encourage him to get his act together. Once he knows that this isn't just you making all the rules for him, he might see that all his activities will have to come to an end...if he still wants a marriage to you. With this counselor present, you need to tell your hubby that you will not live this way anymore. You both need to come to an understanding about whether or not you want to get things worked out. All things can be worked out, no matter what's happened. But, both parties must take responsibility in their part of the problem, and agree that things have to and will change. You come to an agreement, in front of the counselor, that you will work on certain issues, not just vague ideas, to make things work for the both of you. I don't know if that will mean that some of your going out time will have to change in a certain way, in order to get him to agree on the things he will change. It might mean that you both go out a little more, instead of going your separate ways. Every couple needs a date night, no matter how long they've been married. My hubby and I go fishing, play cribbage, drink coffee & talk, and do lots of other things together. While we do have our apart times, they're not as frequent as our together times. When you've married your best friend, it makes for a more fun marriage. I truly hope that the two of you can meet in the middle and find delight in your marriage, once again. Keep thinking of what drew you to each other, and talk about your expectations and how you both see your future. And get help soon. Either a counselor or a pastor who's certified in marriage counseling will work just fine. <*)))><

Answer 4

Have you tried couples counseling? Most employers have some form of support system in place where you get a certain amount of visits on the company. You might not be able to identify all of your issues in that time frame but maybe with the interaction of another person your husband will take things seriously instead of just telling you what you want to hear to get back into the house. I think you are a terrific person for wanting to work through your marriage, and it sounds like it does need some work. And I've been through couples counseling, and its not easy, at all. But it might be something to think about or try before the d word comes into play. Good luck!!!!!

Answer 5

I don't know if I answered your original question or not (I DO answer a lot of them here----hehehe). But I can say, based on what you are saying above, you are definitely doing the right thing. A marriage is suppose to be a partnership, not a dictatorship. It's not suppose to be the end-all and be-all of your relationships, it just suppose to be the one that puts all the others into prospective. Both partners need their own time and their own friends as well as shared time and shared friends.

You ARE a grown adult, and you'll be much happier without him. There are a lot of less controlling fish in the sea.

Answer 6

You need to know the reason he doesn't trust you is because he is cheating on you. When he's out, he knows what he is doing. When you go out, he thinks you're doing the same thing. Trust me, he's not calling you every five minutes because he loves you. He's checking your location so he won't run into you when he's out. Don't divorce him because anything can be worked out. Marriage is work, not dating. The kids need both of you. I'm divorced and remarried so I understand how the kids feel. My oldest daughter has never gotten over my ex's and my divorce. When it was over, I realized it could have worked it out.

Answer 7

i have been through this exact same experience and the only one that can change this is you. let him go and dont look back, he is a control freak and wants u to be unhappy, misery loves company-you can be happy again, stop letting him use the children as a crutch and get on with your life, there is alimony and child support to keep you afloat financially along with your own income. dump the zero and get a hero. his crying is nothing more than a ploy to make u feel sorry for him, but as soon as u cry he doesnt care does he?

Answer 8

I think you've answered your own questions!
You are in an abusive relationship, whether you realize it or not.
Nobody should be unhappy. Life is way too short not to find happiness. Your time is NOW girlfriend!! Get up the nerve and stick to your guns!

Answer 9

Since you have kids please seek counseling. My husband and I let each other go out with friends. Tell him that it's not that you want to be away with the family but you need some "me" time.

If counseling doesnt' work and he just doesn't get it. Don't stay. Those kids are modeling how their relationships will be by watching you two. That's how they learn love.

Answer 10

Best answeer I can give you Sweetheart..LIFES TO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY, and your happyness will efect all around you..I beleive your betting on a dead horse..I just happen to be married to a very wouderfull Lady and can tell you that when the right one is there ITS WONDERFULL..We make each other compleate, thats what its all about...LOL your friend in tennessee.. Rob.. Good luck.. XO XO