Should I move on with my life or keep being unhappy?

Question

Ive been married 12 years, am 31, two kids 11 and 8. I work 40-55 hrs/wk and my husband works 60-70. His 2 days off a week are spent golfing,hunting,fishing, poker tournaments etc. He says we can make marriage work with seeing eachother 15 hrs a week. I say no, Ive done it too many years and he needs to reset his priorities. Ive explained how hurtful it is that his free time is spent with everyone else but me and the kids. He says he loves me more than life, will do anything for me, cant live without me yet cant give up his free time to spend with me. Many years this has gone on. Ive threatened divorce and he begs me not to because he loves me and we can make this work. He doesnt get it. Im at the point of divorcing him because I would rather be alone than married and alone all the time. Im young, do I stay longer or get it over with

Answer 1

Have you guys considered couple counseling? You husband could simply not realize that he needs to do more than say he loves you and can't live w/o you. You've been married so long, he could just be in a comfortable rut and not see beyond that. Worse comes to worse, maybe try a trial separation. Maybe it'll bring home to him what he's missing if you and the kids aren't around. Kind of a "don't know what you've got til it's gone" thing.

Answer 2

I think vows mean something. I've been married only a short while, but I would try joining him for golf or fishing. Make it a family event. Or if you can get a sitter have a nice time the two of you. If you are not allowed to go along, then there is a problem. I don't believe in divorce I think two people truly commited to one another can work through anything. You two have been together so long that it's probably going to be alright. But your husband needs to know how hurt you are. Write him a letter. Sometimes things are hard to talk about face to face and you will be able to say anything. Give him a bit of time to read it and respond. Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement. He can golf this weekend but then next weekend he's all your. Or fish on Saturday but Sunday is family day. Give it a shot. Good luck :)

Answer 3

It sounds to me that although he is telling you he would do anything for you, he is not. He needs to rearrange his priorities and spend more time with you and the kids, if that is what you want. Marriage is a two-way street, you need to give a little to get a little. So it is okay if he wants to have all sorts of hobbies, but its not right that he cannot include you in some of those plans.

I understand your concerns. My husband works about 60-70 hours a week, and sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out because I am alone 90% of the time. He is home on the weekends, and rather than go out golfing etc..he chooses to spend his nights and the weekend in front of the tv or playing video games. I understand to a point, that everyone has their hobbies and need time to get away, but I need attention too!

If I were you, I would make some suggestions to your husband about doing things as a family, give it a little time, if he resists...you could always move on...

Answer 4

I have been through something similar. The best advice I can give you is to take sometime and really think about things. If you love your husband and love is enough to keep your marriage together then I say try to make it work. However, if the "love" is gone, and there is nothing more to hold you together then I say divorce. I have a young child, and it was very tough to figure out that it wasn't worth being unhappy, and now 2 years later I can say I did the right thing. I'm happier, and I see that my child will be better for it.

Answer 5

Compromise. You are getting upset and asking for all or nothing. You can't say to someone it is either this or that. Especially since as you say, it has been going on for years. Plan family activities for one of the days that he is off. Tell him that you expect him to go and on his other day off he can do whatever he wants.

And, don't threaten divorce if you don't get your way the first couple of times. You have conditioned him that this is acceptable behavior. If the situation doesn't improve, then go to counseling...But try the approach of one day is for you the other day is for us as a family.

My husband works 70+ hours every week. I am a stay at home Mom and he used to play golf a lot. Leaving me at home with the kids. He now asks me if it is okay if he plays golf, checking with me to see if I had any family activity planned. This is not "whipped", this is courtesy. We are in the relationship together, the decisions he makes affects me as the decisions I make affect him. There is no simple solution, you just have to change the behavior with love.

Hope this helps

Answer 6

Well.....I am one who gave chances as well. This is too familiar. The hunting, the guy deals, watching TV instead of talking, no love making.....on an on it went. I'll tell you what I did. Told him ONCE....This IS what will change and you must carry through with it. I gave it 1 month. There was temporary change and then his bags were packed. I didn't ask for anything out of the ordinary. FAMILY COMES FIRST!!!

I am 31 as well. I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man whom I would do anything for and he shows the same. He loves my son as his own, as I do his son from a previous marriage. I considered my ex a learning experience. I grew, became more independent, stronger, learned to love life and take things as they are, I learned that I am not incontrol of anything, it is what it is. You just make a choice. I learned more about my son by spending MUCH more alone time with him instead of constantly wondering what my life would be like if his father, can I make it, what am I doing wrong, does he love me any more, bla bla bla.....

My son is happier, I am happier and life DOES go on.

I chose to be alone with my child, than alone and married.

No matter the choice, do it for you and your children. My oldest is 11 and my stepson is 8 as well. My fiance and I have had a child and he is 8 months. I wouldn't change my decision for anything.

If you do go through with this, make sure you take PLENTY of time for you and your kids. They will need you now more than ever.

Let me know how it works out.
If you need to talk....I seem to have gone through a similar [e-mail]
Either way....good luck to you.

Answer 7

Why don't you have the kids go with your husband on his days off - kids can play golf, hunt, and fish. Everybody needs cool off time - so maybe keep poker with the boys his "guy time"
Try surprising him with a date. (maybe even force him into a date) On the sly, grab a sitter, Take him to dinner. And lay down the law. Make sure he knows that actions speak louder then words. Plain and simply put - You guys need a lifestyle change, you've done all you can and its his time to start working on it. A marriage is made up of two people, not just one. If he can't change his lifestlye, then your going to change it for him.
Maybe even take a trip - friends or relatives out of state? Just go. The kids are up to you, but I say take them with you - at least two weeks, if he likes the bacholors life so much, let him have it. Don't let him take you for granted anymore.

Answer 8

I would give him a scare and leave take the kids tell them your going on a holiday leave him a note stating that you want a divorce coz you can't handle it anymore and of course he'll call you and beg you back but tell him NO he won't change ( doing it this way most of the time it dose work ) because you have taken the first step and he now knows you mean business Good luck it worked for me at one point he didn't know where we were these cell phone are great

Answer 9

Well first of all you got married too early.You know that saying actions speaks louder than words.Okay think about it.If he wants the marriage to work, he would put his words to action but instead of doing that he's doing what he wants.He may have someone else. When you are married and inlove you try to please on another,not just yourself. He sounds selfish self centered and plain just don't care. Stop being so needy, flip it on him. Get busy, pretty up,send the kids somewhere and go on a small vacation by yourself. He'll be worrying about you. You may discover that you can have a life maybe without him. Or maybe you can learn to control things in your household better.

Answer 10

I know what you are feeling I'm 30 and going through the same thing but we are not married and we've only been together for 5 years. I am so unhappy. I've been this way for a long time, but in my situation we don't have that love. you love him and he loves you too....try to work it out because being lonely is far worst then what you are going through. Just follow your heart if you can handle being alone then do what you gotta do, If you can't then you need to fight for your marriage.