Ok. My husband and I have fought over and over about how my sex drive has died down since our child was born (hubby thinks once a week is too low). My OBGYN told me that maybe if we planned it, it would be something we could both look forward to and make an effort at. We have tried being spontaneous before and have had our kid walk in (luckily we weren't too involved) or yell for us (plus I am getting older...my body just doesn't respond to wham bam anymore, while trying to hurry while our kid is playing, watching a movie, etc. Preschoolers are very needy at times). So I thought after our child went to bed it would be a good time to do anything if he wanted to (I making the effort, period). Then he tells me he misses the spontaneity too much and that planning ruins his mood. ???? What the ....??? I have no idea what to do now. Any guys out there with kids that would be so horrified by planning sex that you wouldn't want it?
2006-07-21 06:28:11 · 11 answers · asked by Veryconfused 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I see some good ideas so far, but he does get up at 4:00 a.m. to get to work. My son sleeps the hardest when he first crashes (probably because he refuses to nap) which is why I thought after he went to bed would be great. I agree we need to find a babysitter (relatives babysit him everyday while we work so we hate to ask them to do extra). Also, how can I "prepare" myself for his spontaneity? It is spontaneous, meaning not planned, just out of the blue.
2006-07-21 08:50:32 · update #1
Your husband needs to realize that you switch gears sexually when you have kids. Spontaneity HAS to give way to anticipation. Say you schedule intimacy for Sunday nights, then he has to look forward ANTICIPATING rather than hoping for a magical moment of spontaneity.
But, you need to be committed to the scheduled sex and not let it seem to be a chore, or something that you need to get out of the way.
It is a really tough issue. I asked the same question from a male perspective and got a couple good answers, you could check those out.
Anyways, good luck.
2006-07-21 08:29:11 · answer #1 · answered by pezdispenserwisdom 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm not a guy, but I am a mother of two children ages 4 & 1/2 and 3. My husband and I have been married over 5 years and we used to have the best sex life before kids. After the little ones were born my drive dipped quite a bit and I was typically too tired or felt too self concious to have sex very often. But my body is coming back around now. I'm still tired (all the time!) but I really love having sex with my husband whenever we get the opportunity (which is usually about 8-16 times a month) I know that as our children get older it'll be easier to sneak off to the bedroom while they're watching a video or playing with toys but for now we just take it one day at a time. One thing we've done is when we happen to have a babysitter the first thing we do is go somewhere and f***! Like we just need to get it out of our systems so we can go to the movies or shopping or wherever we might have to! I think it's hard to plan anything much less sex so stick with they spontaneity, it's important to him obviously, and you can prep youself before engaging him. Parenthood is hard on all of us! Good Luck!
2006-07-21 13:44:19 · answer #2 · answered by L.A. in F.W. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not have sex during the day with your toddler in the next room watching a movie. It is too rushed...and not very enjoyable for the Mom who is still in her "Mommy mode" because her toddler is in the next room awake. The after they go to bed is the best time.
My husband and I schedule our sex dates all the time...we have a 3 and 4 year old. We thought it would take the spontaneity out of the sex, but it has not. I will call him the morning of the "date" and say "Do you know what today is?" and we will talk about the things we are going to do with each other when he gets home. It makes it exciting and fun. We plan new positions...new scenarios...just have a wonderful time experiencing each other.
I too had a problem with the sex thing because having 2 kids in 2 years it is hard to shut off Mommy and be the sex kitten that he wants.
Buy yourself something sexy...don't tell you are planning the evening and surprise him. He will be in the mood believe me.
Hope this helps
2006-07-21 13:40:29 · answer #3 · answered by letmebethe_one1998 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
L.A. in F.W., great reply... what a wounderful way you have found to keep it alive, a bit wild and refreshing for having kids and all... then go shoping or movie.. I like that.
My wife and I are in the same crisses... I want, she too tired. I finaly put my foot down and said, make the time or else... *no idea what else is but I am sure I ment it... she has begun to make an effort as sex is an improtant part of relationship.
Original post, she is making a great effort for her husband and he ought to appreciate it, sounds like he doesn't. Sit down, talk with him again, draw lots of pictures and speak slowly while adding a few grunts and clicks for clarity....
good luck girl and you sound like you have good common sense, wish I could help more.
2006-07-21 13:59:27 · answer #4 · answered by Maken trax 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The real goal here should be intimacy (beyond just physical). It takes discipline and commitment to make the time and opportunity. Start by doing the simple things together that were enjoyed before children (ie watching tv, just a late chat). That probably means that he needs to help more with the parenting....if you can commit to this with NO sexual pressure- the physical relationship will return.
2006-07-21 13:36:03 · answer #5 · answered by mutherlesschild 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Set the alarm clock for early in the am and surprise him :-) Kids usually sleep pretty soundly between 4-5:30.
Mother of 2
2006-07-21 14:09:45 · answer #6 · answered by Tiffany D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm the one that doesn't want one of our children walking in on us so I understand completely. We tend to do it around the same time each night, after our showers and the children have all gone to sleep and have fallen asleep. We talk and then we get into it. It works for us. You sound like you are trying real hard to please him. Try letting him start and see how you feel. Don't let him make you feel uncomfortable.
2006-07-21 13:36:26 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Babysitter! Even overnight to grandmas house, a friends, something! Set the alarm in the middle of the night, wake him up, and let him have it!
2006-07-21 13:52:06 · answer #8 · answered by Carp 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing wrong with planning it, my hat is off to you in that you are making an effort. I think it is his problem, with kids come irreversible changes, nothing is the same and he should be very grateful that you are still trying to make him happy.
2006-07-21 13:37:39 · answer #9 · answered by mktmonitor 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm no guy, but sounds like you're trying. Take the kid to daycare for a few hours, then jump his bones...
2006-07-21 13:33:59 · answer #10 · answered by wildandhardtotame 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋