If you had to choose, would you give up the love of your life to fulfill a dream?

Question

I have always wanted to join the US Navy but my husband doesn't want me too. I have to choose before I sign the contract and give him up forever. He said he wouldn't wait for me but he doesn't understand that I have wanted this since I was 12. I don't know what to do.

Answer 1

(Revised - with postscript)

I want to encourage you because here are some things you are doing very well:

1) I want to compliment you for facing the tough questions. Many women in your position would just avoid or deny that they care about the questions.

2) You are seeking disinterested 3rd party opinions and recommendations.

3) You are listening to and reading other people's ideas. You are not trying to solve the questions by simply cycling through the same internal and familial influences.

I don't have the answer to your question. But the reason I'm responding to your question is that I'd like to express objections and cautions to some of the other answers people have suggested:

a) "Follow your dream, because any person that was the true love of yoru life would understand that you have wnated this for so long, and be happy to let your dreams come true." - This is not necessarily true. Someone could be your true love, but not wish to live a life where you are away most of the time. He could support your decision, be your true love, AND decide to not continue to be married to you. "True love" and "commitment" are not proven by the degree to which someone is willing to sacrifice their dreams for your dreams. You would not be asking this question if your dreams did not contradict his dreams in strong ways. Using the above answer's logic, you would understand he didn't want to be married to a Navy soldier and if you truly loved him, you'd be happy to facilitate his dream - but it is not that simple.

b) "I would always choose him." - This is quite honestly what many women believe. But more notably, this is what many women are strongly taught to believe - the type of thinking that says, 'If you really love him, you'll sacrifice your aspirations and defer to him.' I think Chaand5 is being honest and I understand her choice, but it may not be the best choice for you.

c) "U've made a committment to ur husband. He should have known about ur dreams b4 ur married him. I don't think u should go." - I do not like this reasoning. It blames the woman too much. Implicit in this reasoning is the idea that women in their late teens and early 20s should be irrevocably bound to the social contracts they make, disregarding the more, and often better, information they gather later in life about who they want to be and who they want to spend their time with. And like the answer above, this answer too fails to apply the same standard to the husband. Shouldn't he have known about ur dreams b4 he married u? And even if he didn't know your dreams, or if your dreams changed after you became married, then is not an intelligent solution found in something more complex than simply one person deferring to the other's dreams?

d) "My love (my partner) is my dream. It's a noble goal, but when you die, do you think you can take the Navy with you? Why give up something that will last forever for something that will only last a few years?" - Implicit in this argument is a religious/intangible appeal, suggesting that the higher eternal/universal priority is deferring to your husband; rather than deferring to the good that would be created by your life's work in the Navy. This is a guilt argument, suggesting that in Heaven you'll care more about whether you a) kept your matrimonial vows than you will care about whether you b) protected and improved the ideals, safeties, & freedoms your work in the Navy would promote.

When someone makes a "your soul will feel guilty in Heaven" argument, be wary. If they don't want to debate the tangible & observable benefits & detriments, and they rely on intangibles, religious feelings, or religious authority as their key persuasive factors, step back and broaden your view.

(See Alice Walker's and Steven Spielberg's 'The Color Purple' - "This life'll be over soon. Heaven lasts always," Selie says.)

Sometimes people will argue intangibles because they don't want to face, concede, or discuss the tangibles.

I suggest focusing on both the tangibles and intangibles. Respect their ideas about the importance of intangibles, but don't throw out your inherent concerns about the tangible effects of your life's work. Don't let "heveanly" or intangible consequences dissuade you from the tangible effects you can observe from your actions.

I don't know anyone who can judge intangibles very well. I've made some very bad choices when I have placed intangible concerns over tangible ones. So I tend to focus on what can be seen and observed over what someone else tells me is intangible, will happen after I'm dead, or some religious authority says "should be" more important - when the best observable evidence suggests otherwise. Arguing intangibles is difficult at best, and it's tough to find answers due to the unprovable/unobservable nature of the discussion.


e) "reevaluate your dream of a lifetime... sit down and think where u want ur life, what u are achieving, etc etc. a dream at 12 may not be a dream at 20 or 30, etc." - While I didn't like the rest of this answer, I liked this part. Dreams do change. With all the information you've gained since 12, is the Navy is still your dream? The love and wishes of your husband may change your dreams, and not because he is a bad influence. Your dreams may change primarily because of his good influences.

f) "Go talk to a recruiter about it and see if they can help you convince your husband that the opportunities will be wonderful." -First, a recruiter is biased. And the rest of that answer does not fairly take into consideration the toll the Navy life will take on your husband. It will be a dramatic change, and it will cause you to no longer be able to control your time and activities.

g) "To have a good marriage you need to develop on an individual basis as well. A good marriage is not based on fear of losing someone!!!!" - I agree with her emphasis on this point.

h) "Fulfill your dreams! If he doesn't want you to, oh well." - No. There is no "oh well" or casual sentiment to your serious question. Whatever you decide will have major consequences, and you are doing right to treat it seriously.

i) "You are the most important thing in his life and he is going to be scared as hek to loose you." - I didn't much care for the rest of "Nice Chicks" subservient answer, but I thought this statement was true - regardless of what either of you decide is the best course of action. Make sure you are not unfairly characterizing your husband's wishes as being "controlling". He probably has very good motivations to want you to stay around. The thought of you leaving probably scares him for good reasons. That doesn't mean you should stay, but don't mislabel his intents.

j) "I would hope that the love of my life wouldn't force me to (choose)." - Yes, we would all hope that. But just because he asks you to give up a dream that will take you away from him, that doesn't mean he still isn't a love of your life. And it doesn't mean he loves you less than full, true love. For many, many people the LOVES of their lives conflict. The answer is not always found in choosing one and "divorcing" the other. Often the best solutions are found by finding ways to facilitate both.

k) "I think if he was the "true" love of your life he would understand and support u in any decision that u make." - Not necessarily. And even if he supports your choice, a choice that is adverse to the life he wants to lead, it's possible for him to do all of the following simultaneously: a) support and understand you and your choice, b) not agree with the choice, c) seek a relationship with someone else as a result, AND d) still be a true love of your life. That's how frickin' complicated life can be. "True love" is not proven by two people being always like-minded. I think "true love" is more often proven by the ability to love, honor, & support each other in the midst of opposing interests.

l) "Your Husband should'nt make you chose between one or the other" - Not necessarily true. He is a person with his own dreams about how he wants to live his one life. It may be fair for him to ask you to choose to be his regular, present companion. If you are not willing to give him that, it can be fair for him to ask to seek other companionship. Many military spouses choose to have absent spouses and I admire their decision. But all military spouses should not be forced to do so. And on a practical point, check other sources to verify this, but I believe the reality is the divorce rate with military marriages is much higher than the national average. Regular separation and absence of physical companionship is very, very tough on any intimate relationship.

m) "if true love was meant to be, it will come back to you." - No. It is not that simple. Life is far more complex than that.

n) "You should have picked that before getting married." - said the probably unmarried person. No, ALL married couples find major conflicts that either a) they didn't know existed when they got married, or b) came into existence after they got married. The trick is not to "have made perfect choices in your late teens and early 20s". The skill is to learn how to manage the major conflicts when they are discovered.

I believe you are telling the truth. I believe your husband IS the love of your life. AND I also believe your life's dream has been to join the Navy. Some people, including possibly your husband, may think that BOTH cannot be true. But life may be more complex . I think both things can be absolutely true for you, even though they are oppositional to each other. If at all possible, try to find a solution that can incorporate the best aspects of both of your dreams. And where they can't co-exist at the same time, see if alternating time is an option. And where that doesn't work, keep trying to find solutions. Read books. Study creative problem solving techniques. Let your husband see how hard you are trying to meet his interests (maybe even show him all of our crazy suggeted ideas in this discussion.)

(Postscript - After I wrote all of the above, I see from another answer you gave to "Missy" that you may have already joined the Navy. I pray you will find peace with your decisions. If you have burned bridges, don't think they cannot be rebuilt. May you find ways to achieve as many of your dreams as possible. I hope the best for you.)

I must stop writing. I care too much about these topics.

Answer 2

I would follow your dream. There is no reason you can't be married while you are in the Navy, many couples successfully do that. Couples work together to ensure that both are happy. Otherwise, you will feel cheated and it may erode the relationship over time.

Go talk to a recruiter about it and see if they can help you convince your husband that the opportunities will be wonderful. If you husband still is being difficult about it, I'd wonder why he can't be more supportive of your career.

There are more fish in the sea too (more than you think) and you might have more in common with someone else. You only have one life here, do you really want to be kicking yourself in the butt 20 yrs. from now bc you ended up doing something you didn't want to?

Do what you love! If he loves you, he will understand the passion you have for your dream - you are a PERSON too...not just a wife/role.

To have a good marriage you need to develop on an individual basis as well. A good marriage is not based on fear of losing someone!!!!

Answer 3

Did your husband know that this was your dream and that you have to have it fulfilled when he married you? if not, what the heck is wrong with you? He didn't sign up to have his woman join the Navy and probably if he would have known, maybe he wouldn't have married you. In this case you have no real grounds for divorce. He hasn't abused you or cheated on you and you basically kept from him a very important piece of information that might have affected his decision to marry you, so don't punish him for your mistake.
If he did know that this is something you really want, what the heck is wrong with him? he willingly made a commitment to you knowing that you really want to do this thing which he doesn't want, so he should crawl back in his den with his tail between his legs and give you the support you need to fulfill your dreams. It's that simple..
Either way I think divorce is a very stupid thing to do.

Answer 4

That sounds like a tough decision, and it kind of feels like I'm bias because if you've wanted it since you were 12 years old, then my first reply would be to go for it, especially if you know you want it, but if the love of your life is involved, then you also have to take him into consideration. So,... I think that you should go ahead and join the US Navy because believe it or not, if he really loved you, he would wait for you, especially if he knows that you've wanted this for a long time. So you should always follow your dreams, and forget about anybody who tries to stop you or doubt you.

Answer 5

I don't know if you have any kids but definately if you do then your resonsibility is to be with them at home and that should be your dream fullfilled. If you don't then I'll say that itis true that we have the need to make our dreams come true but also remember that you should have done this before getting married and now you don't really have the right to distroy what he felt he had gotten in the life. You are the most important thing in his life and he is going to be scared as hek to loose you. If you love him then you'll stay you could do many better things together. I hope you think about the promise you made in the altar and think that you could loose your life in the navy and loose everything you have accomplished together.

Answer 6

I think if he was the "true" love of your life he would understand and support u in any decision that u make. Was this something that was discussed early in the relationship? If this is something you've always wanted to do then I would assume that would come up in conversation at some point. I can't tell u what to do, only u will make that decision. Just wanted to drop my 2 cents in. Best of luck :)

Answer 7

My love is my dream. It's a noble goal, but when you die, do you think you can take the Navy with you? Why give up something that will last forever for something that will only last a few years?

Answer 8

Follow your dream, because any person that was the true love of yoru life would understand that you have wnated this for so long, and be happy to let your dreams come true. Good luck with your decision whichever way you choose!

Answer 9

Your Husband should'nt make you chose between one or the other, especially if he knew about your aspirations when he entered courtship. But here you are, prioritize and find out what matters to you most and go from there and hopefully your Husband will understandand and respect your deciscion . Remember for better or worse, sickness and in health and if true love was meant to be, it will come back to you. Good Luck!

Answer 10

While I would hope that the love of my life wouldn't force me to I would give up the dream. Now the question you have to ask yourself is this really the person who you really want to spend your life with? If he is then try to talk to him about your situation and hopefully he will see a way to support your dream.If he still won't support you then you have a tough choice to make. I wish you the wisdom to make the right choice.

Answer 11

reevaluate your dream of a lifetime... sit down and think where u want ur life, what u are achieving, etc etc. a dream at 12 may not be a dream at 20 or 30, etc.
but ur husband may be selfish also....
anyway, what the heck kinda dream is to join the navy and wash their damn toilets....do u honestly think u are going to be like GI Jane?