How can I work this out?

Question

My husband and I have been married for a year now. We met, fell in love and were married all in a short span of time. It was only after we were married that I realized how very different we are. We come from very different families, we have different views on religion, politics, and some of our values as well. I love my husband very much and want to stay with him. I know he loves me too, but my concern is what we will do when we have children. I am afraid our kids will be incredibly confused if both parents are on opposite sides of almost every issue. I am also afraid it will cause conflict between my husband and I about how we should raise our kids. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

Answer 1

I found myself if the same situation when I got married. We have two children, and it is hard sometimes to find a compromise. But you can if you try.

Look at it this way. You are allowing your kids to see that it's okay to have different opinions about things, and that one doesn't have to judge or dislike the other becuase of that. You both can present your views on the subject, and then let your child (once old enough) to decide how she/he feels about the matter.

As for when they are too young to make a decision on their own? Talk about those things before becoming pregnant. Decide on the biggies--ex. how to discipline, what faith to raise the child, etc. Make sure that you are on common ground before having the child, and everything will be okay. And just remember, parenting isn't easy whether you and your spouse are alike or opposites.

I have been married 7 years now, and our kids don't feel confused or torn. They realize that different opinions are okay, and my oldest is now realizing that he doesn't have to hold the same opinions as his mom or day. I think that is great!

Good luck!

Answer 2

I have not, but I have seen it work. The point to take with your children is this, listen to all sides, and come to a decision themselves. This will actually be a great learning tool for your children. If you and your husband can respect that you feel differently about different issues, then your children will learn this as well. A lot of things don't affect a marriage. If you are conservative and he is liberal, will that really affect how you love each other? If you're worried about how to raise your children. Maybe take a day a week and ask each other one or two questions. Things like, "Do you believe in spanking? If so, how often? Would the circumstances have to be extreme? Would you go past three spankings? Where would you spank? Would you use a spoon or other tool?" Then really listen to what they say, and ask why they say what they do. Sometimes the greatest obstacle between two people agreeing is not understanding the reasons why. Other questions that often comes up with parents is if their children will go to church? What schools will they attend? Will they be allowed to swear? What television and music is appropriate for what age group? What kind of video games will they be allowed to play when they are older? How many chores should the be responsible for? And at what age? {Side note, all children should have to do chores, starting from age one. Teach them to put their toys away. At age 4 they can start making their beds. Age 10, dishes, and so on. The differences between children that have no chores, and those that do are AMAZING} Keep talking with your spouse. If you find your voices are raising, it's time to end the discussion. Take a few deep breaths. Walk away promising each other you will rethink all that was said and try to see where the other person is coming from. Come back and talk about it again when you are ready to compromise and really listen. Do this for a year, a question or two a week, {More could put so much strain on your marriage that you tear it apart, go slow, you have time} I wish you well as you seek to love each other more, and accept the other as they are, and love them where they are at. :)

Answer 3

Because you love each other you need to learn to communicate effectively. That doesn't mean you have to agree about everything, but both of you need to respect the others' beliefs and opinions. Each of you has developed your values, and should respect that the other has them. I'm sure discussions and disagreements around your house are very interesting. There isn't anything wrong with having a debate now and again. If the two of you can develop your communication skills so that even though you don't agree you don't get emotional or upset or insulting and accept the others feelings on what ever subject then there won't be any confusion. As long as when it comes to your children you meet in the middle, as with any family decision, your children should grow up to learn to make their own opinions and values. I think if each of you is a strong thinker, then your children will be too. The key is to work together, despite differences.

Answer 4

My husband and I are the same way (moved in together before we even went out on a date, and got married 4 months later). We've been married for 6 years, and he and I are TOTAL opposites. We have discussed having kids, and have diffeent views on raising them, as well. It will only be bad if you allow it to be...having parents with seperate views will allow your children to learn that "there is more than one way to skin a cat" (so to speak). As long as you respect each other's differences and teach your children to do the same, and remember that just because you don't agree with someone does not make them wrong. Two people can have different views on something and still both be right.

Answer 5

DON'T have kids until you know the answer and have worked out all the major stuff. Opposites can be a good thing as long as it is harmonious. If the two of you argue about the large issues, you will confuse your child and send mixed signals. If you want children perhaps this is not the man for you.

Answer 6

you think your the only one with this problem let me tell you NO... there are thousands of other couples with similar problems but the difference between them and you is that they are not quitters!! if you love someone you will put a side your difference and try to look for similarties... with marriage comes compromise! if you both stand on two sides of the street you will never meet how about he comes half way and you come half way...
Religion are all men made as long as you believe in god thats all that matter...
my husband is catholic and i am hindu so as for the kids stuff do what i have thought to do... i will take them to the temple and also church cuz i have not converted but i do go with my husband as he comes to the temple with me... and well let the kids decided which religion they wanna follow...they have to follow it not me so let them see for themselve and who knows they may decide to follow both..
As for politics.. how many of those politicians put food on your table?? NON RIGHT! so why do you want to bring politices between u and ur husband? if something ever happens to you its your husband standing next to you not ur politicians!!
well everyone has their own values the biggest thing is to respect each others value and learn to adapt... this earth is 4.5 billion years old you know how it survived so many years thru adaptation... as long as there is a will there is always a way... nature has taught us that... learn and apply it in your life!!
divorce is not the solution, if you love him than you will work things out its not impossible you know!!
good luck!
(sorry for the spelling havng problems with the spell check)

Answer 7

It's okay to disagree and have different view points, as long as you discuss them in an adult way and no arguements. I think your children would be lucky to have both sides of an issue presented to them and would end up being well informed adults with the ability to make good decisions. If you love each other you can work this out as long as you both agree to work at it. Good Luck!

Answer 8

Before you have kids you should first be sure that you and your husband will remain married despite your differences. Having parents with different views is healthy for a child as long as one parent is not pressuring them to BELIEVE what they believe in. Give your kids the facts then let them decide on what they chose to believe, follow, and pass on to their kids.

Answer 9

Well for any marriage to work the couple has to learn to compromise. your situation is a direct result of jumping into a marriage (no offense) You are married and I think you should try hard to meet in the middle with him on issues especially when it comes time to raise kids marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime try to make it work.

Answer 10

How boring would your life be if you were both exactly alike? Give it some time and work. If after 2 years you can't stand it any longer, then you can start to think about what to do. For now be patient.