what do you think of my husband?

Question

He's been married 3 times. He married his first love and it lasted a year, his second marriage lasted about 18 months (they were then separated for 2 years before getting divorced), his third one is in its 16th year. He had an affair recently that lasted over a year. The girl claims he had 2 other affairs, but he hasn't confessed to that.

Overall, he's a decent man. He has provided for me over the years. He supported me and let me stay home to raise our daughter. Then he helped me open a business and then sell it later to stay home. He is good around the house and has turned our home into a beautiful place to live.

What is going on with this man? Why the need to have an affair? Can he ever be trusted?

Answer 1

I don't think he could ever be trusted. it is all up to you on what you want to do with this relationship, just know you can't trust him!!!

Answer 2

I have just read all 4 of your questions submitted over the past two days and I can tell you really want your marriage to work out and are trying very hard to 'make it right' in your own head. You are wanting to forgive and forget and keep the safe, comfortable life you have built over the past 16 years. Please quit blaming yourself, and questioning your role in it all. It was not your fault, and you did nothing to make this happen. Please keep telling yourself that if need be.
While I do commend a forgiving attitude in most situations, I feel you are letting yourself down and need to find a way to step back and look at the whole situation as if it were someone else. This will allow objectivity and the ability to make the right decisions for everyone in the family. I would seriously suggest therapy for both of you. This will open up the communication between you two and help answer the many questions that appear to be swirling through your head right now. It will also give you the insight to determine if your marriage is indeed salvageable. Right now is not the time to make major decisions such as divorce. You are hurt in a way nobody can know unless they have been betrayed as you have. That is where time and therapy will give you the tools to work with in helping you decide what to do. You are a worthwhile and wonderful person. Don't let yourself ever believe otherwise.

As for the affair, there are a great many reasons that they happen. For him to tell you he is not sure why is an easy cop-out for him to avoid discussing it. I think that you deserve to be given the whole truth and that would include his explanation as to why. Otherwise this will be in the back of your mind until the day you die. Again, therapy will bring all of this out and it is important so you can begin to heal.
The question of trusting him again is one that nobody can ever answer. He has cheated, therefore there is a better chance of it happening again. But it may also be a 'wake up call' for him and make him realize exactly what is at stake if he strays, or continues the love affair with the other woman. Trust is something that is earned, and that takes a long time. Even more so when it has been seriously wounded like your trust of him has been. He says 'trust me', and you say 'show me.'
Ultimately, you will have to decide if you can. Nobody on this forum can make that decision for you.
Personally I think you deserve so much better than this, but I am not in your shoes and cannot tell you what is right and what is not. I wish you the wisdom to make the right decision and hope with all my heart you will take this to therapy.

Answer 3

Do you have a forum that makes it productive to ask him these questions? I would ask in such a way that honesty is his best choice. Maybe start with: "Infidelity is not a deal breaker for me, and I want to forgive you and help you earn my trust back, but in order for me to do that, you have to decide right now, today to be totally completely honest with me, no matter how hard. If you cannot be 100% honest, then I am afraid I will never forgive and heal."
If you are done with the relationship, and feel like you can't ever trust him again, then you shouldn't go through the pain of discoverying his entire hidden life.
I believe men have affairs because they need something that they mistakenly believe is rooted in a sexual relationship. Affairs fail because the answer to anyone's unhappiness is not found in another person. He has to discover what his priorities and needs are and lovingly discuss your role in that. This is not to say it is your fault. But I do believe you can be part of the solution. Read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" to get some insight into why mean cheat. (it has nothing to do with sex)
Meanwhile, a counsellor, pastor, or trusted friend would be a great place to help you through the emotional pain that you will need to get past. I hope for your marriage that this will be a turning point and make your life ultimately better.
Good Luck to both of you.

Answer 4

He cannot be trusted, obviously. You should have put your foot down (after sticking it up his cheating as$) in the first place and let him know you won't tolerate that behavior. Here is the thing, married men sometimes do this because they feel like you don't really care if they do or not; they're not getting enough attention. Sometimes attention=sex=affection=desireability. The sex outside of the marriage doesn't meany anything or he wouldn't be there with you. But you'd better take this man to counseling so you two can move forward and to prevent him from straying again. If you want to keep him, work on it. Other than being a cheater he sounds like a great guy. You're a better woman than I am...I'd have kicked his sorry butt to the curb along time ago and made him provide for his family. Get counseling....

Answer 5

While you want to keep what he has done to others in your mind, all you can know for sure is how he has treated YOU. Stick to the facts that you know. Sit down, write down FACTUAL pros and cons about this guy.

Can he ever be trusted? If he cheated on YOU, I doubt it. If a man cheats, and a woman takes him back, its in his mind that you let him off the hook once. You may just do it again. I mean, short of beatings and murder, there is not a lot that a man can do that we consider WORSE than cheating. And he did cheat. Perhaps the good stuff he did, he did to make himself feel better about the bad? Or, perhaps while he is a dog and a cheater, he has some good qualities like letting you stay home to raise kids.

Remember this: There are TONS of men out there, tons. You will find love again and now you know what to look out for. To avoid. TONS OF MEN. Lots of villians have kept a nice house. But they are still dogs.

Answer 6

You knew his previous record, and still married him. You were taking a chance.
Well, he has the best of both worlds. I bet he is attentive and calls you at home to see how your day is going, and maybe you and him go out to lunch once a week, on the same day.
He gets to have a loving, caring supportive wife at home. Your kind of like his Mom in a way.
You are dependable, reliable, and predictable. The epitomy of good wife and mother.
Isn't he the lucky one. You are honest, up front, deal with things directly, and have an optimistic view on life and people.
Isn't he the lucky one. But you, not so lucky.
He benefits from this, more than you. You gave him your heart, he took it, and only gave you a lease on his, and it was only about a quarter of his heart to start.
He enjoys disrespecting you. He gets off on knowing that you are so wonderful and smart, and you are all his, but he on the other hand is not all yours.
He has affairs, many I am sure, and it makes him feel good because he thinks it makes him better than you.
You were always to good for him, and he knows this. He is a little man with a big grudge.
He knows you will forgive him, but if you cheated on him, then
he would kick you out on your butt.
Think about it. Gather evidence against him. Kick him out of your home. Drain your accounts an put it in a safe deposit box. Protect yourself. If he would cheat on you, countless times, he does not care for you, then you can expect ruthlessness when you are no longer his puppet. File for divorce and alimony. Move on. You deserve someone who will rock your world in the bedroom and out. You are a wonderful woman, you deserve better. You are never to old to LIVE LIFE. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Sounds as if his responsibility to you ends by providing for you. Some men think that way and the underlying assumption is that you, a woman, are only interested in material things and therefore, that is what he's giving you. Ergo, you should be happy and never mind the affair.
There's no great mystery there.
Apparently you've put up with his affair, which proves his point. If you weren't the way he sees you, you'd have been gone a long time ago, right?
I don't mean to be rude by saying that, but think about it....

Answer 8

Most men cheat because there is something missing in there relationship at home.Has he cheated on you? If not maybe he has finally decided to settle down.Just because he has had affairs before dosn't mean he will continue to do the same.Sounds to me like he has found comfort in you.If you both really love each other you can make your marriage work. But first you must forgive his past affairs. You may never have the trust issue . You and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk tell him your thoughts and fears. Its easy to say leave him but we know its not that easy.

Answer 9

Argggg, I sure wish I hadn't stumbled over this question.

I am my husbands third wife as well. His first lasted about 2 yrs, second 1 yr and third 10yrs.

This is my first marriage. By his own admission he cheated on his first wife, not on his second and he claims not on me, even though I have had my doubts. I always said that I would leave if I ever found out the truth. But I don't know that I would. I have dedicated over 10 yrs of my life to this family and I do love him. If I ever caught him red handed I think I might consider separation. I have to say that you will never fully trust him though. You just have to decide if you can live with the fact of his deception, and your hurt. As to why he did it, who in the hell knows but him.

Good Luck!

Answer 10

a man who has been married over thrice, and is known to possibly have multiple affairs simultaneously, cannot be trusted.

However, if what u say is true, it is always a huge possibilty that he now changed for the good - that he really loves u and ur daughter, and that us probably why he has done so much for you..


I really don't wanna say whether he can be trusted or not. Trust ur instincts. If u feel that his love for u and your daughter is genuine, then u can be assured that he is a nice man. Trust him.

All the best.

Answer 11

Question Questions Questions.

These are the ones you should ask yourself:

Do you love him?
Does he love you?
Are you ready to accept him with his girlfriends and his affairs?
What would you do if you seperated? Do you have a job? An
education that willl help you raise your daughter alone?
Do you nag him? Make his life miserable?


These are the ones you should ask his ex-wives (Request them to answer)


Why did your marriage break? What are the characteristics in him that you didnt like? What are the characteristics in you that he didnt like? How would you define him as a person, as an individual?

These are the questions you should ask him:

What is your problem? What adjustments do I need to make if I am lacking somehere? Why are you having affairs? Do you agree you are having them? Do you need psychiatric help? Is affairs an obsession with you? Are you going to continue no matter what?


These answers will take you to the solution. God Bless!