I think my wife has had enough & wants to leave, but won't give me a chance...?

Question

This is my 2nd marriage. The first one lasted 19 years and produced 3 boys. Now 20, 17 & 13. She cheated and her situation didn't work out.
My wife now, for the past 3 1/2 years, has had enough of my drepression and is ready to walk out the door with our 2 yr. old son.
I work 2 jobs. By day I am the polcie chief of a small town, by night I work at the local airport for Delta. So I work about 60 - 65 hours a week. She had asked me to quit the airport job about a year ago, but I enjoy it and my 1st wife left me with about $30,000 in bills not to mention she gets $200 a week in child support.
My wife is very head strong, she too is a police officer. She has her hobbies, she plays soccer and has horses and within the last year has joined this medivial thing called the SCA. She really enjoys it. She goes away about 4 or 5 weekend a summer.
I know I have a depression problem & I don't talk. I was looking at her e-mails from what happened with wife #1. Boy is she mad. We are in counselin

Answer 1

You say she won't give you a chance? She's given you 3 1/2 years! In all your discussion here you talk about your troubles, but not about how you're fixing them.
Of course she's mad. You're still wallowing in the past. You haven't dealt with yourself for years. She's fed up. She's given you every chance in the book and you've wasted years wallowing in your misery.
Grow a pair. Get up and DO something with your life.

Answer 2

sounds like she is vying for your attention obviously your not around that much due to so much work.You have to remember family comes first then everything else.If i were you if you didnt want to give up job at the airport at least cut back on hours so you can spend more time with wife and son they are the most important things in your life right now.You dont want to lose that.Here is another problem i see you said you have depression and you dont talk well in all honesty you are letting your feelings out here too complete strangers.Why?This needs to be happening with your wife.Communication is the key to a successful marriage.Obviously you talked to her in the past or you wouldnt be married now you need to open up to her and let her know whats happening in your life and how stressed you feel with the 2 jobs the kids all the bills everything.Set some time aside every night to talk to each other even if its only 15 minutes Im sure you can spare that.Put the paper down turn the tv off do what you have to do to fix this problem.If you dont you will be sorry and u will regret it.And by the way dont snoop on your wife thats totally wrong she has the right to her own privacy would you like if she started snooping in your business. I wish u the best of luck hope all works out for ya

Answer 3

If you are in counseling with your wife, I can only hope that you are also in counseling by yourself as well. And if you are in counseling, then you need to air this situation within the confines of your counseling - with a professional.

I will say this, however, if you are clinically depressed, then you need to examine the possibility of antidepressants. AND you do need to quit your night job. Or retire from your job as Police Chief and keep your airport job. But you do not need two jobs - you can probably make it on the combined income you two have right now and the time together for the relationship is more important than the money.

All you are doing is working - it's no wonder that the two of you are growing apart. You work and so she develops hobbies that do not include you. The more you work, the more she pursues your hobbies. This is your second marriage - in order to make it work (since you won't have the shared goals of children and family) you have to find different shared goals. You cannot find them by working all the time.

(Also, your working all the time merely buries the depression - it does not resolve it.)

Answer 4

You have to understand that by working 2 jobs AND working 65 hours a week is bound to put a strain on your marriage.
There are only 168 hours in a week and you are working 65 of them that only gives you 4 days a week that your at home.
That plus your depression will put a massive wedge between you both.
You sound like a level headed man who's just fell by the way side abit.
Are you getting help for your depression?
if not,why?
Are you going over your previous marriage in your mind and how it ended and what went wrong,if so then you need to stop this.
If you are comparing your x wife and your now wife then you are mixing 2 different people with different qualities.
You sound as if you use your work as a way of not facing your marital problems and your depression.
You need to face these things head on with your wife.
Sit down and talk to your wife,tell her your anxieties and frustrations and hopefully you will both work out a plan that suits you both.
Good luck

Answer 5

OK, fellow....first of all you should get on an anti-depressant to help you through all of this. Second, ask yourself if you really love this woman! If you do, then quit the night job and do what she's asking. Put her needs first for a change (...I really enjoy it...)..you're being selfish. Think of another way to meet the child support; you only have a few years left anyway. Unless you want to be single again and making more child support payments, I'd suggest you modify your lifestyle and show your woman some support and love. Modify your behavior too...you need more than counseling...you need some Paxil CR to go along with it. Don't you realize that participating in your family life will help you with your depression?? Not to mention your marriage. In return, ask your wife to drop a couple of her hobbies for a while. More family time all around. Good Lord, this means we have depressed, overworked policemen and women "protecting" us??? Come on, man....you can do better than this.....do do it!

Answer 6

Well, counseling is a good first step, but you have to want to get better. You may have a physical problem causing your depression, so make sure you discuss this with your doctor. They may be able to help your depression through medication. Do the job you enjoy and don't wear yourself too thin. You are only human, and regardless, the bills will always be there, you need to spend time with your wife and kids. Your family or your job. This decision may take some pressure off of you. Go see your doctor.

Answer 7

You have to quit worrying about the first wife, and concentrate on your wife now. I would go to counseling and ask for some kind of medication to help you get out of the depression. Also working all of the time is not good for your body or your relationship, I would quit the second job, because money cannot buy you happiness. Your wife and child would probably appreciate more time with you.

Answer 8

Believe me, I understand about the money situation. But, maybe you should consider leaving your second job and maybe she can compromise and slow down on her hobbies so that you can spend more time as a family. Set a "date night". You both make it a point to spend more time at work or with hobbies, maybe you should make it a point to cut out some of that and spend more time with each other and the child. It would be better for the child to see the "Mommy & Daddy" happy together. I truly hope things work out for you. If you are in counselling, then you obviously want it to work out. Don't stop going to counselling. You know, money isn't everything. I know it would probably be a struggle if you did quit the second job, but trust me, it would all work out in the long run. My mother-in-law says, "It'll all come out in the wash". Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 9

Counseling is great, but also take the time outside of counseling to sit down with her and say "This is a tough time for me, I need your help and support, can we talk about this. I know it isn't easy for you either, but I love you and want to work this out." She should be supportive of you in your tough time. Though you have a mountain of bills, if you can get by alright without the second job, that may help reduce the strain. Or, try to make it a point to spend time together when you are not at work. Maybe be more involved in her hobbies and interests. Go with her to her convention things. Also, you may want to try other treatments for your depression if counseling alone isn't working.

Most importantly, talk to her.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like you are using your second wife to pay for the mistakes of the first wife. Yes depression is a problem, I have it so I know. Not trusting someone who hasn't done anything to earn distrust is a heartbreaking experience. Deal with the first wife thing by getting rid of your resentments of her or the second wife thing will never work. She has given you a chance, 3 1/2 years.

Answer 11

Every problem have a solution.
this is not easy to answer but one thing i can tell you is be and stay strong.for the 30000(making a bankcrupty)might help.for the child support you should contact the family division of kids support and explain your financial problem,they will review your financial situation.and for your wife maybe she is right maybe you doing to much hour and you have no spare time for her.and for your depression that is something to discuss with your family doctor.did you know that taking 20 minute a day to jogging or walking are very good for the stress.be strong and stay strong and live one day at a time.good luck