What does the future hold for our relationship/marriage?

Question

My wife seems to be stuck in an indecisive mindframe. She says she loves me and I mean the world to her but she says that even if we divorce down the road she'd still feel the same way. We've only been married for three months and since coming back from our honeymoon she's seemed distant. Recently she told me all these things about overcoming our past problems and she doesn't believe things will be consistent and her heart isn't with "us" anymore. One day she'll say she is unsure, the next day she will say things that clearly mean its over, then she'll tell me not to take rejection as if it's always going to be this way and that things could get better. It's very confusing. She expects me to just be myself everyday but that's difficult when we're not making love and we seem more like roommates than we do husband and wife. Is this normal for women to go through when they are having emotional issues? Clearly she isn't happy now but will she ever be happy? What do I do to help?

There are mixed signals being thrown my way but she says not to read into things too much and just because we're having a good day doesn't mean things are going to change. It's like she lets me do things like kiss her or hold her but if I never did those things they would never happen. She says she misses me physically but doesn't want me in that way because emotionally she isn't there right now. We've had a very rough past and she says she has reached her breaking point but she doesn't seem to want to let me go. She says she's not determining our future. I mentioned her going into counseling to deal with our past and she said she'd do it but not to "fix" things between us. Again, she says that's where her heart is at right now and that it doesn't mean it won't change. I'm very confused and I don't know what to do. I love her very much and can't imagine myself with anyone else but her. How do I get through this and give her the space she needs to make her decision?

We have lived together for five years. We've had a lot of ups and downs. She's not unhappy with me she is just unhappy with the way our relationship has been, but she doesn't seem to understand that we can get help and get rid of our baggage. It seems like she is scared and that she doens't believe we can have the good life we always talk about.

Answer 1

How long did you know each other before you got married?
Some times we go to some-one for security without love and maybe this is whats she has done.
You need to speak to her

Answer 2

Ouch. It sounds an awful situation to be in ..

Sometimes women have expectations of marriage and then after the honeymoon is over they realise it's normal life and not the fairy tale we've been told about since childhood .. and they find that all their problems DON'T magically disappear, happily ever after doesn't automatically follow ..

Just a thought .. anyway, I think what you both need to do is communicate .. talk and understand and help each other understand what is going on under the surface.

Meanwhile .. just be nice to her .. be the roommate if you must .. she sounds very confused and perhaps scared of something .. and "husband and wife" is much much more than "making love". If you've made the commitment and obviously want to keep it strong, then be patient but proactive: gently encourage her to talk to you. See a counselor together if you can, that's usually easier and more effective than trying to self-dose psychotherapy. She could have depression, and if you're supportive, that would be a huge comfort and assistance for her in getting some joy back in her life.

Answer 3

Let me tell you what is normal...utter confusion. Women are very confused a lot of times themselves. Emotions are a bear with them.

There are all sorts of flags going up in my mind. First, THREE MONTHS???!!!! Whoa, that's not good. Second, she is between unsure and clearly wanting out. She does soften the blow by saying things could get better. Keyword COULD. Doesn't sound very optimistic with all the other things spoken.

I'd let her make the call. I think she's probably waiting for you to make the call so you look ridiculous.

If you didn't go to counseling before I definitely recommend it now. If she is not with that...then she's done.

Answer 4

I've read through some of your other posts. Your wife is numb. She feels trapped, and she doesn't know how to get out of it, so she has withdrawn into her own room to shut out the world, and mostly you. I did that; I also went to about 4 different counselors, pastors, and therapists. My ex husband was verbally abusive when he drank. She probably became emotionally exhausted and then just shut down. You have anxiety and depression (that I realize you are trying to work through now), so she cannot show those things; someone has to be the strong one. I would say she is not in love with you anymore and hasn't been for sometime, but she may be too afraid to even admit that to herself. She may feel love for you and care about you, but that vital spark isn't there, and there is no way to retrieve it or get it back, esp. once numbness or apathy has set in (and I BEGGED GOD to give it back to me). She would probably be upset if you left her, but that is because she'd feel like she failed, and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Eventually, she won't be able to stand being numb anymore and someone else will come along who is strong and makes her laugh and feel (like maybe you used to), and that will propel her out the door, but it could take YEARS. It would be best to find a way to part ways and move on in such a manner that you are not blaming each other, and don't you dare cry or be angry about it. It's too late for that. I'm sorry I sound so hopeless, but I know what she's feeling. I didn't want to be touched by my husband, and I just shut down and put up the walls and withdrew into my own space...until someone came along who made me feel like I wasn't a frigid ice cube. Then I left, but NOT for the other person (I still live alone; I was with him for 15 years), FOR myself and FOR my son, and even...FOR my ex. I was like a different person once I left. It's not perfect, but I don't have this black cloud over my head anymore. I wish it could have worked, but it was so far gone, it just wasn't possible. You're in a very tough and heart-wrenching situation. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 5

You won't like my answer. Your wife has already left you emotionally. Whatever happened in your past is something either can't, or doesn't want to get over.
The fear of the unknown is often greater than the pain of what we know. She is staying with you because she's afraid of what life would be like on her own. For her, the marriage is over. It's just a matter of living there until she overcomes her insecurity and leaves physically.

Answer 6

Your wife sounds very confused to say the least. I would suggest the two of you try some sort of counselling... or at the very least she should get some herself... she's unsure of being married to you after only 3months... wow...thats not a good sign...
Did you know she felt this way before you married??? She sounds like she needs time to sort herself out... be patient...but definitely suggest she get help.

Answer 7

I think maybe your wife needs to talk to someone - professional or other - about what is going on. Her change in mind from one day to the next is a cry for help; she needs help in figuring out what she wants and needs to do with her life. I think it's great you're still there for her through these mood swings, but I think seeking help would be your best bet to helping her figure out how to be happy.

Answer 8

I'm surprised you knew nothing about this during the engagement. This isn't something a person could hide. It seems strange that mere months after marriage she is so unhappy. How long did you date her? She sounds very young to be so indecisive.

Answer 9

My thought would be that you should try to seek some counseling. If she's not keen on the idea, then you can start by just you going and then try to convince her later. And if money's an issue, you don't have to see an actual doctor. You can talk to a pastor at your church (if you go to one).

Answer 10

Just keep loving her and give reassuring words about your feelings to her. If she decided to marry you I think she loves you too, but women moods change as often as the moon, so dont take it personally, at least not at this stage. Good luck!