How can I get over feeling like I have to do the dirty work in my marriage?

Question

I got 3 kids so I stay home. I love being a house wife. My husband's job has its busy time and it's slack time. Even on the slack time I feel like I have to carry up the load for every one. I take care of my homely duties, but then I got take up the what to me should be a mans job; like the cars getting fixed and dumping the trash. Thats all. The other I took the car to get fixed & the mechinic fixed other things and my car has the same issues and I took it back & was talked down by this man. My husband didn't do a thing about it. I would at least like to feel secure in my husband. What else can I do? Yes I have spoken to him about these things.

Answer 1

Stop doing what he should be doing. You seem to have enough to do. You've already spoken to him, therefore, you should give him one last warning.... You will not do what he should be doing. When his job is busy tell him you will help out a little more, but when his job is not so busy then he should take on his duties. Tell him that you will not do it anymore. Dealing with a pompous, male-chauvanist pig mechanic should be his job. I hope you put that man in his place, as you are paying him to do his job correctly. Tell your husband that you will not put up with that kind of treatment from anyone, and that he should have gone to that guy and set him straight.

Answer 2

Looks to me you need a new car for one. I wish I could give you one. Because I know there a lot of people out there that needs a car.

Now for your question. You are right, that is wrong what your husband is not doing. My wife stays home with the kids too. This is a good thing. But keep in mind, the husband can stay home too, while the wife is working. Meaning that, a parent should be home with the kids, while the other parent is bring home the bacon.

It takes TWO to make it work. You said you already talk to him. That was a good move. I take it that he is still doing nothing. Hmm... This is tough to answer.

When you talk to him. Did you try to setup some kind of schedule with him? I hate to answers this with a question. But this is the best I can do. Because it comes down to how you talk to him about it.

Did you yell at him or did you try to work with him? Yelling would just make him not do things even more. Try to work with him, might help.

I hope this helps.

Tony / Niceguy
http://www.nicepeoplehere.com/
A web site that cares

Answer 3

The problem is that you have defined what is a man or woman's Job. I think you should let him help around the house also. When you got marriage you decide things should be equal. I know he is the bread winner but am sure he could help around the house just like he would a colleague at work. Beside this is your job. The problem might also be that you are bored feeling that you are just a house wife. I suggest you volunteer in organization. Think of it this way, you are building your CV for when your children are grow up, you can have something to do.

Answer 4

Unfortunately I have no sympathy for stay at home moms. My mom complained the same way you did until my dad had a massive heart failure at 42. Then she had to go back out into the work force, take care of kids, and take care of her husband.

So stop bitching and appreciate your health and his and the fact that you can be there for your children, because it can all change in a blink of an eye.

Answer 5

Your situation is not one that is easy at all. You are not the first or the last one to be in such a situation as there are many people caught up in that situation.

You can't go on like that and your husband have to carry his share of the burden as you will just run your self to the ground. I hope that you don't look to have any more Kids as this will be a real situation in your present condition.

You will have to tell him that you can't go on like that as the day you fall sick it will seem as if the whole house will collapse on you.

Answer 6

Hello,
First of all.... You need to talk to your husband when the kids are in bed, - that way there is less distraction. Let him know how you feel about your situation. Let him know that the kids look up to him, and will learn to avoid responsiblity. In my household we had simular problems - I had a family meeting after we talk the night before, and with agreement assigned family chores to be done over the weekend (kinda Like a honey Do list for every one). It helped my sons see that their father also likes a clean house and is willing to help clean it up.
I hope that helps.

Answer 7

Dirty work?

Uhh...you mean being a mom to your kids?

Woman, you are a housewife - that doesn't mean you get to stay at home and watch soap operas all day...it means you have household obligations.

Raising the kids, and doing chores is your job...so stop complaining! He's working hard to bring home all the money...do you really think his job is fun and games too? At least you get to spend time with the kids!

Seriously...go whine to the desperate housewives club, but STOP nagging him. It will only drag your marraige down, and cause him to be unhappy.

Answer 8

...and what was his reply to this? Slack time, busy time, what difference does that make? There isn't anything carved in stone that says "He who has the testicles must dispose of trash on a nightly basis" anymore than "she who has ovaries has express duties in the care, dressing, diaper changing and feeding of the children".
Let's hear what your husband has said about this. Then perhaps I can formulate a better answer.

Answer 9

In today's society there are not longer any "women's" duties. Find a daycare for the kids and start looking for a job...this will probably help to put you on the same level as your husband.

Answer 10

an equal relationship is when there is some equality.

your Hubby does seem equally as bad as you at dealing with mechanics but .. he could do some chores (like putting out the trash)

have a family meeting and see what he thinks his share of family responsibility is. Re-negotiate a bit.