Need advice, please help!......I just don't know how to stop!?

Question

How can I stop complaining, and fussing and ridiculing my husband for every single thing that he does! I'm scared that I'm going to make him hate me. He is out here working 6 days a week for me and our 5 kids, while I stay home all day resting because I am 5 months pregnant with twins. Because I'm not working, money is really tight, which I'm stressed out about. I fuss about his way of paying bills, rent, giving money to the church, and everything that I feel could possibly hinder us in the long run. No matter how much he makes, I still find something wrong, and end up being miserable. He tells me that I am breaking him down, and that I make him feel less than a man. Please help! How can I hide my dissapointment and anger at his decisions? How can I mask my sadness when I feel as though we are going to have to scramble to feed the kids?

Answer 1

You talked about the church, so I'm going to assume you believe in God? Do you trust that He loves you? Do you trust the verse that says He provides for all the birds in the air, and that He loves you much more, and so He will provide even more for you? Every time your husband does something you don't like, take a minute to walk around the house, breathing deeply. Then pick five things in your head you are extremely thankful for that your husband does. Go to him and tell him one of those things. It is EXTREMELY important to men for them to feel needed, useful, and appreciated. It cuts to the very core of a man when they are put down, and belittled. Every time you're mad at your husband for these things, which are small in the long run, remind yourself of all you appreciate about him. If you have to, write them down so you can remember them later. Money is hard to work without, but God will provide for you. Your husband gives to the church as an act of faith. He is saying to God, all that He gave him he is thankful for, and he is showing his trust that God will provide all his needs by giving some of his money back to Him. Also remember that during pregnancy your emotions run high. Sit down with your husband while you are calm, let him know how much you love him and appreciate him, and apologize for times that you aren't able to handle your hormones. They're natural, and they are very hard to deal with. But your telling your husband while you're relaxed may just be the fuel he needs to make it through another hard day of hormones. No one can live under constant judgement, so try to find a way once a day to say thank you to your husband, or list a trait of his that you truly admire. :) If you do truly have money problems that need attention, look for a financial advisor, but bring this up with your husband in a nice tone, showing him the pros of such a decision. Don't make him feel like you are trying to undermind all he is trying to do for you. Also remember that your husband works 6 days a week, and this is very hard to do. I am not saying it is any easier being pregnant with a number of children already, but please remember it can be very hard for him too. Remember that you love him, and rememer that love is an action, not a feeling. Try showing him today how much he means to you. God Bless :)

Answer 2

Nobody ever said that it was going to be easy. You now have 5 kids and two on the way.... it's not easy being a stay at home mom, but you have to lift your husband, not break him down. He is doing the best he can. He is being a true man. He is not only working is *** off, he is paying the bills himself, obviously he is a Christian as he seems to be tithing. You need to take a good look at yourself, and thank God for the blessings that he has given you. Most men would run the other way with all the responsibilities that 5 kids and a wife bring, and he didn't run when he found out your expecting twins. It can be your hormones going haywire right now. Having so many kids can take a toll on your body and emotions. You need to find some time for yourself, some time for you and your husband. I don't know the age range of your children, but maybe the older ones can help a little so that you may be able to take 1/2 hour a day just for yourself. Even if it's just to take a nap.

But please, please, please, look at the blessing that your husband is and thank God and thank your husband for the real man that he is. When you feel the need to complain about the way he does things, or you start worrying about how your going to make ends meet, remember, you've made it this far. Just think, how would you make it without your husband? Don't take him for granted.

Good luck, and God bless.

Answer 3

If he wasn't helping out with the finances and sitting around all day doing nothing, you'd have a legitimate gripe. He's handling the finances and its clear he's not keeping anything from you because you seem to know where the money is going.
I'm also sure that being pregnant with twins is no picnic, especially at the end of July and the start of August.
Lay off him. You've self analyzed the entire problem and you see your faults and are cognizant of them. It's pretty clear that he has no intention of letting you or the kids starve and works hard at making a life for you and the kids.
If he tells you that you're wearing him down take heed. He needs to have you tell him either your thankful he's a hard working spouse or just leave him be and treat him like you should without the complaining.
Of course you run the risk of him calling it quits if he has had enough but I doubt it. Child support for 7 kids would break the bank. Seven kids...Good Lord. Wasn't there anything on cable those nights?

Good luck and try to ease off him. You'll feel better about yourself too.

Answer 4

Are you crafty? My husbands mother makes purses and sells them, my mom makes wooden country crafts and signs that people could hang in their home....you could alsway do something like that or have a little yard sell when money gets tight. Remember you love this man...you married him and you have 5 beautifu children together....work together as a team. Im sure that you and he will BOTH be frustrated at times, but please dont use being preggers as an excuse to be mean ( PLEASE DONT THINK I"M SAYING YOU ARE) I had a firend who did that....Just relax and remember that as a team no one can stop you. Always work together and TRY to be supportive...if the bills are paid and you have food on the table what does it matter which way he does it..so long as he isn't doing anything illegal. Explain to him in a calm manner about how you feel maybe he's keeping the same kind of feelings from you. Try doing little things to save money....havea change jar...when ever he gets home--empty those pockets...My husband and I have been doing that and I tell ya it adds up fast...in like 2 months we've saved almost $100.00 in change!!! Thats $100 in groceries just by saving a little tiny bit every few days!!!! Save one dallar bills and spend the rest - those add up fast too....

Whatever you decide, remember that what you'e making out to be a big deal...probably isn't. Hun, I do the same thing...I got mad be cause he left 4 pairs of socks laying in the living room floor...in the long run did that really matter???? Relax! and may you have two HEALTHY babies!

Answer 5

Right now your body is going through MASSIVE hormonal chaos - TWINS!! Sheesh! I agree with the other answer that you should probably STOP having chidren now. Large families are a financial burden and do and will lead to arguments, unhappiness, constant stress, marital problems (even infidelity), etc. You are obviously headed towards some real bad problems. You have every right to be scared at this time, but you definitely need to chill!

First, talk to your doctor about your hormonal mood swings and see if there are any herbal or other organic type remedies to help you with that. You are not doing yourself, your unborn children or current family any favors by being moody and freaked out all the time!!
Second, you HAVE to sit down with your devoted husband (while he still is) and explain to him your concerns. Why don't YOU take over the finances? Don't know how? Have the bank or even your husband show you how to balance the books.
Third, CREATE a REASONABLE BUDGET to live on!! Money FIRST goes to the family BILLS: Food, Utilities, Rent/Mortgage, doctor bills, food bills, NECESSARY clothing, etc. THEN anything extra (if there is anything) can be budgeted for SAVING SAVING SAVING!!! You should try to save NO LESS than 15% of your monthly salary for a rainy day. Leftovers from that can go to the extras: Charitable donations and luxury items.

You are right to fret, but if you don't sit down with your husband in a CALM manner and discuss the worries you have (which is what women do best) then you will stress out your unborn children and start having complications even more so.

When you speak to your husband - do NOT use an "accusatory" or negative tone. Do not say, "YOU need to..." or make it about him. Tell him "the family" or "as a family" to make it about ALL of you. Children are affected by the fighting and mommy's mood BIG TIME. As the saying goes, "If Momma ain't happy, NOBODY is!"

Be DIRECT with your husband. Give him concrete propositions, have a discussion not a rant and dictatorship. Men need to speak and hear in absolutes. They don't understand the way women think or speak some times. Really, it's amazing! I had to "educate" my husband and MANY male friends on what their wife really means - like when she asks, "Are you hungry?" She's really saying, I could use a bite to eat, how about you?
Yes, women have a tendency to want the other person make them feel like it's their idea with misleading questions/statements like this, but it's OK to be direct. When a busy man such as your husband comes home frmo a busy day, he doesn't want choices. He wants to know what's going to happen now. So, tell him. "Dinner's in 10 minutes. We need to talk about our finances after the kids are in bed." and so on.
If you can't communicate civially and as best friends, you will wear him down and he will become a machine and not a man or husband or father.
Finally, if this talk doesn't help, you BOTH NEED to see a counselor and financial advisor.

Answer 6

I can only help from a Christian perspective, so if that bothers you don't read on. Look up a New Testament (you are sure to have been offered one at school by the Gideons) and read verses 6 -7 in chapter 4 of Paul's letter to the Philippians. I am 85 and that passage has seen me through my life, including the untimely death of my father, then 5 years as a WW2 RAF Pilot (& 1 crash), the deaths of two loving wives and the nervous exhaustion of running a business on a shoestring. Follow that advice and, as promised, it will give you a "peace surpassing understanding".

Answer 7

Pregnancy can make a woman's hormones go wild but this does not sound like hormones. It seems as if you want to help out with the financing but the fact that you are unable to do so makes you frustrated and you are taking out your frustration on your husband. You gotta realize right now he is your sole financial support. While it may feel like you are helpless you are definitly not. You got to pull yourself together and realize that soon enough you will be able to help. It may be a while after the kids come but eventually you will. You must stop at that though becoz if you continue like this you will only drive your husband away. Think do you wnat to loose him? You may even drive him straight to the arms of another woman if you constantly pesterize him with complaints. Think of all the sacrifice he is making and try to appreciate it rather than complain. Each time you want to complain count from one to ten in your mind and try to think about something extremly good your husband has done to you or for you. God will provide for you and your kids. He never lets his children suffer more than they can bear. You can also try finding a job that generates some income via the internet it may help you deal with the problem but be careful with this though. Support your husband he will love you more if you do this. If he is a caring loving husband he will see your efforts and understand

Answer 8

Being a stay-at-home mom is a job in itself, but if you have problems with how your husband handles the finances, why don't you start handling them....yes, i know...he works and makes the money, but that doesn't make it all his responsibility. It works out great for me and my husband...he works...I stay home. I organize all of our bills and figure out how much I need for groceries, toiletries, etc. and basically make an itemized list so that he can see what money is going where...I add it all up and he puts it into my account when he gets his check. For any "extras" (picking up a movie, eating out, buying clothes) we discuss those individually as they arise....if we can afford it, then we get it, if not...we figure out how much we need, and save for it. The only thing my husband ever really has to physically pay for are his cigarettes and any meals while he is at work. It will also take a load off of him, and he will appreciate the help since he works so hard.

Answer 9

First, stop giving to the church. You are on a tight budget and yet you give to charity? Bad idea. Second, relax with him. The guy works 6 days a week? That's out of control. Third, you have too many kids for people on your budget. You should have thought about that beforehand. Unfortunately, you're stuck wih 7 kids now-- so you better be grateful and appreciate how hard he works.

Answer 10

Start by telling him what you just told us - that you don't want to hurt him. Look at him before you speak. remember why you loved him enough to have those kids in the first place. Plenty of talking and a little cuddling is a seriously good idea here right now.
You can work together to find solutions . Your local college may have a free educational program to learn to save money on food, etc and sometimes they will come to your house to help. Check you phone book. By actively trying, you may feel less helpless. Just don't beat him or yourself up if something fails.