How can I learn to trust?

Question

I love my husband and want him to love me back, but he has lied a few times that I know of and I feel like I can't trust anything he says. I'm very insecure about my weight although I have lost over 75 lbs. during our 1 1/2 year marriage. I am constantly afraid he will leave me for someone skinnier or prettier and I had just about began to trust that he wouldn't (since he didn't after all this time) but then I found where he had been on adult friend finder sites. This seems to only prove to me that I was right to be afraid. He says he's sorry and he loves me and promisses not to do it again, but I just asked him not to do it yesterday and then he did last night. I feel like I can't trust anything he says... especially that he loves me. I am not innocent as I have chatted with men before, but had decided (on my own) not to do it because I loved him. He couldn't even keep from doing it knowing I knew and asked him not to. I feel so worthless. How can I go on? I just want to...

...cease to exsist. I don't want to kill myself, but I don't want to feel anymore... ya know. We have two boys and I can't provide for them even if I did want to leave him. How can I go on? How can I forgive him? How can I trust?

Answer 1

colorist, i just read your question to my wife after i thought this has to be my wife. she inturns says are u sure she isnt married to you..... we have this identical problem... with the execption i convinced her not to talk to certian men online but she quit talking to them all on her own. we have been married for just over 1year and i have been through some sights like adult friend and other things and i think short of beating me with the frying pan she tried every thing becuase to her it made her feel insecure about her wieght and whether i would leave her. now im not saying i will never go to a web sight or anything and from my perspective a mans quest is hard control but i love my wife and havnt seen a sight in months. when i did i wasnt trying to find any one, i went looking at the racy pics ( porn) and i know that doesnt make it right at all. thats somthing short of doing away with the computer your husband probably wontever get out of his system completely but should not be tolorated either the more you talk to him about how it makes you feel (less then) if he is a good (MAN) he will not be so drawn. as far as your weight, i seen your pic and you are very attractive woman and god made you and to say anything else is saying god made you wrong. i try and tell my wife that she is perfect ( much like my wife im guessing you dismiss it as a lie or he is just being sweet) you women are NUTS <~~ note:notice the capps lol in this area there is a reason why we married you, like my wife she is stunning but what i married was a woman who loves marriage as much as i do who loves our children (5 between us) as much as i do and a woman who could love me more then i do myself at times. nothing about her would i change. but nothing we say matters in that realm so ill shut up lol...... the trust thing you can worry and worry and worry but when we that love our marriages make it to the finish line of "till death do you part" will we have enjoyed what we had or will we have worried the time away and missed some fun with our soul mates? talk talk talk and when you worry talk some more, im guesseing the way you wrote your letter you knew that already. and colorist if i may say somthing else ( wait its my answer so i will!!! lol ) when you find somthing concrete that he has done wrong never make it a "do i lie or tell the truth situation" be matter of fact, and when he tells the truth dont get mad just do some more talking ( with all that talking his head will explode and you can collect on the life insurance policy lol ) so quite worrying, talk, and always like a child observe and talk about it again. "till death do you part" we promised before god and family....... good luck

Answer 2

I want to cease to exist you say. I understand that. Its a deep empty feeling. I want no more pain, no more confusion, no more tears, no more anger...I feel so worthless. I understand all of this.
This is my thoughts on this. Believe me I do understand these feelings. I have been there.
The thoughts take over telling me I have failed, I am hopeless and there is no hope, no way out. Everything I do is wrong. Staying is wrong, leaving is wrong. Talking does not work either.
I think many of the comments above are really good but it is just words. Ideally you would have a incredibly good friend who could really really listen and reflect back to you what you are thinking and feeling in a way that would make you feel ok. In the absence of this however here are a few points.
IYou feel worthless but are not worthless. You are a good mother that cares greatly about your lovely children. You are a good sincere wife. You are a caring beautiful human being. You am worth a lot.
Your fear is he might leave you and you would not cope?
Actually you would.
Maybe the problem is not you. Maybe you are actually ok as you are .
Actually you are.
You can only do your best which you have done and continue.
You are good enough. You are always good enough and always will be.
Maybe there is nothing you can do about your husbands behaviour. I do not know enough. It is hard to change people. Maybe he will change, maybe he will not. Maybe you will have to decide what is good enough for you. You deserve the best.
Good luck
.

Answer 3

You are confusing trust with self-confidence. What you said shows that you have very little s/c in yourself. You are trying to blame your husband for your insecurities, but there is no need for that. Men have and always will, women do it too, have fantasies about some "perfect" partner out there and those just dont exist. Besides what makes you so sure this skinnier or prettier girl would want to have anything to do with your husband. The only one you have to impress is yourself. If youre happy with you, the world around you will be too. You cant control your husbands feelings nor do you really want to. Just maybe in your husbands mind this perfect partner is really you, and maybe with a few changes, if needbe, you can be. The finder sites are probably his way of some self macho bull,but majority of men out know what they got and wont risk losing it. All you have to do is work on getting your self-confidence level up, sounds like you are already doing it, and the whole world is yours. Keep up the good work and remember God doesnt make junk, and dwell on your inner beauty. Good luck

Answer 4

Ask him what's up with the "WHY" he's going to the site.
Does he want to try new sexual experiences with his wife and other people? Does he want you to watch him having sex with another person or vice-versa? Maybe he simply wants to fantasize and has no intention of cheating.
If he can't tell you the "WHY," then you have a real problem.
I had an AFF profile for a while, and when my gf at the time asked why, I told her because I always wanted to see her get all dolled up and tease other guys until they could take no more. We had a lot of fun with those fantasies for about six months, and then we moved on because she moved. We still communicate and are friendly, and she ultimately became monogamous and has a husband now.
It could be a lot of things, yet you have to find out the "WHY" here before you get scared and insecure and think he wants to leave you.
If you stopped chatting with men because you loved him, and now you want him to do the same regarding Friend Finder, I would just say applying your paradigm to him may not lead to a successful marriage. It's up to both of you to communicate.
You know I wish you only the best so good luck.

Answer 5

I too have security issues with my husband, he has cheated (earlier in our marriage) called 800 #s, been on adult sites, etc... I also have had weight issues, I have thought about leaving but, love him too much. I guess you just have to be more self confident and realize he is with you and if he really wanted to be with someone else he would be gone. And if he does leave he isn't worth your time and its not good for your children to hear or witness all of the arguments. from your picture you look like a very pretty person so he is the one who should worry about you leaving him not the other way around. life is too short and you have to be happy. good luck.

Answer 6

You know its kind of funny talking about being insecure because of the looks... because in reality after looking at all the silly avatars and smiley faces, in all honesty, one of the reasons to click on your question is because there's an attractive looking woman beside it.

So that's the nice part of it. On the more rougher side, it seems like there's plenty of... chatting with others going on. I've seen you talking about being an "emotional adultress" plenty. Look, the grass always seems greener on the other side. After all, people are presenting you with their best behavior... and all too often on line, how they'd like to seem. You see your spouse, flaws and all, day in and day out. I think you should look seriously at those sparks that got you together in the first place and work on those. Then neither of you will need anyone else.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It sounds to me like you just have trust issues that stem from insecurity. Trust issues with yourself and your partner. I think you would have this problem with any partner, not just him,

You have to create value in yourself, aside from your weight. You're letting your weight and your looks define you, they don't. that doesn't mean that you shouldn't take care of yourself, you should. A man (and you) appreciates someone who takes pride in their appearance regardless of their weight. So gainning some confidence in yourself will help your self image,

Now let me explain what he's doing. The fact that you are insecure is no mystery to him. He;s no idiot, he knows you struggle with these things and does NOT want to feel responsible for your happiness. No guy or woman wants to feel responsible for the other's happiness. He's going on these sites as an escape from that responsibility that you're subconsciously placing on him through your insecurities. He's not looking for a mate, he's looking for an escape from the burden. So if you want trust,,,, look at your own values and why you cheated,,, create some self worth and watch him fall head over heels with you. It's that simple. :)

Answer 8

Why don't you all try counseling? You have to learn that if you forgive and stay with someone that you HAVE TO trust them again. Yes, it's hard, but you can learn to do it. Not trusting someone really drains you emotionally and it's not worth it. Just trust that he will make the right decisions and that if he doesn't YOU will be ok. A counselor may help to be a middleman when y'all talk about it.

Answer 9

First, you need to be happy and secure with yourself before you can trust anyone.

Second, if you feel like you can't go on because your husband is doing this, is your life really worth giving up? Please. He is not worth it.

Get help and figure out why you're not secure with yourself. Once you understand why you feel the way you do the self empowerment and strength will get you thru.

Stay strong. In general, no man who keeps breaking your heart is worth that much pain in the end....

Answer 10

trust is not something that is learned, trust is gained and lost

and going onto a chat site is not necessarily a sign of cheating and infidelity, maybe he just goes on there to chat.