Me and my husband work together. I am leaving my job to go back to school, which he is supportive of. The problem is he thinks I am to good for him and will realize that I can do better ( his words not mine) when I go to school and meet other men. I love him very much and would never be able to find anyone who is as good to me as he is and I am not interested in finding anyone else. I have tried telling him this but is hasn't worked. I don't want our marriage to suffer from this. Other than this everything between us is great. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
2006-07-20 12:39:35 · 5 answers · asked by CBS 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Men get their sense of self esteem from two areas, and only two. Career (symbolizing success in the struggle for survival) and sex (symbolizing success in the struggle for procreation). Everything else we do, we do to compensate for issues in these two areas. Both bring respect from our male peers, and both increase our attractiveness to our "relevant females".
If he lacks self esteem in any respect, that lack comes from his perception that he is not a success in either of these two areas (or both). If he feels threatened by you, it's because he feels you are more successful than him in one or both areas as well.
If you want to reassure him, don't bother. It won't help. It just makes it worse. To him, your reassurance would be from a strong person to a weaker one. That would just hurt his self-esteem, not help. That's why you're so frustrated when
reassuring him doesn't help.
All those things he does for you, that make you feel special, and loved? Those things you appreciate and enjoy as a part of a loving relationship? They're great, but they do absolutely nothing for his self esteem. Zero. To you they are wonderful. To him, they literally don't count. Reminding him of all those wonderful qualities will do absoutely squat to his self esteem.
If you want to boost his self esteem, you have to do it without letting him know that's what you're trying to do, and focus on the two areas that make a difference. You may not be able to change reality (at first), but you can change his perceptions. Make him feel like he's more successful than he is (think animal instinct here... it's a fundamental drive in him). In terms of career, let him feel like he's the "mighty hunter" and great provider. Be thankful for the dollars he brings in, not worried about the ones he doesn't. Focus on how proud you are that he has the strength to carry you through school... that you can rely on him to take care of you.
As to sex, peversely, you being a better lover would make it worse. He's feeling inadequate. You being even more "adequate" would reinforce that. So... don't focus on being enticing, or romantic or seductive. Focus on him being so (even if it's not true). Let every little thing he does arouse you... let him feel that he turns you on just by being himself... that your sex drive is solely motivated by his masculinity. Telling him you've been thinking of him all day and just can't wait... might help.
Get the idea?
2006-07-20 12:56:49 · answer #1 · answered by antirion 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I kinda have a similar situation. We met in college; he got a ministry degree, I got an elementary education degree. We went into the relationship knowing I would make more. We made a choice not to make a big deal out of it or to talk about it, and to realize that both our incomes are needed. We also realize neither of us could do the other's job, so we appreciate what each of us does.
Other than that, while you are pursuing your education, keep going, but be sensitive and encouraging to him. Don't bring it up. Don't talk about anyone at the school, unless it's girl friends. Keep the focus on why you are going back... that it's for the good of your family (I assume). He will come around... it may just take time. For now, be patient with each other.
Best of wishes in your education and situation! You can do it. :)
2006-07-20 19:48:29 · answer #2 · answered by Adje J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Show him that he means everything to you not only in words but in deeds. Attend to him in his daily needs. It happens when we women sort of have higher achievement than our partners. Avoid power struggle in the home, it complicates things. Asian women are more subservient (not servants though) and therefore assure the males that they have dominance in the home. No more disagreement there. It's not the best solution to different situations, cultures and races.
2006-07-20 19:47:50 · answer #3 · answered by Ai 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My wife prayed for me, and just constantly encouraged me. He might want to find the root of the problem. Mine was; my dad telling me I would never amount to anything.
2006-07-20 21:00:21 · answer #4 · answered by Tom G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
show him this question, if your gonna go through all this then you must be tellin the truth and show him my anwser...
2006-07-20 19:44:01 · answer #5 · answered by nate diggitty 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋