How long should you wait for for him to put that darn ring on your finger?

Question

I've been living with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. I have 2 kids of my own. We were going to get married (with JP) 3 years ago but he let his mom talk him out of it. (she said she wanted to be here and for us to plan a real wedding). I'm tired of waiting and have brought this up to him recently and he says he hasn't been able to afford a ring (so untrue!) cuz we have the money for it especially when he's been putting so much effort lately to find him a nice bike. I'm almost 30 and so ready to settle down with this guy. So how long should I wait when I'm fed up with waiting now? TIA
Elaine

Thanks so much for all the advice. I honestly can't "chill" about it as that's what I've done for so long already. I have given him the ultimatum and that went no where. Just excuses that he can't afford the ring (which is $300 for the set) that I want, that he wants to and will one day, he wants to do it his way, I'm just seeing it the wrong way, blah blah blah. I think I knew my answer when he put it off the first time I just didn't want to face it. It's not about the ring, I just want that to show that it's on it's way (marriage). I'm just really hurt and angry that he doesn't love me enough to make me his wife, but boy can he sit and search ebay for a stupid bmx bike he wants that costs the same as the ring. Sorry, I needed to vent a bit. Again, thanks for all the answers.

Answer 1

If you really love him then just chill out. A piece of paper doesn't change anything. Commitment is between two people, and a piece of paper doesn't make it any different. Good luck.

Answer 2

Elaine,
Hmmm.... This is a hard one to answer. 5 years is a lot of procrastination. How old is he? Does his Mommy still come first? What about you? Where do you fit in his life? I think, after 2 years of cohabitation, marriage would be an easy step for the two of you. Elopement is good at this stage. You could ask him? Buy him a gold band, engrave it, then ask him. Pick a day, make him dinner or take him out, send the kids to gram mammas, and open some champagne, then pop the question. If his response is evasive, angry, or he says, no, then you will have your answer.
I think you already have your answer, but perhaps it is too painful to accept. You are a strong individual with 5 years invested in this man, and you are a mother. Take the initiative. You are worth the challenge. Remember this is YOUR LIFE, too.

Answer 3

No, don't think it is time to chill out. You are 30, maybe married before, maybe not, but with children. Marriage obviously is important to you, and 5 goddam years is a hell of a long time. I'd set a deadline, then keep it. If the deadline comes and you are not married, you have your answer ... do you wish to live with him, or do you wish to find a husband. If it is the latter, you much be prepared to move out, break it off, and find someone who also wishes marriage. Tuff stuff. Have a girlfriend twice your age, has a year with a really sweet guy -- neither has kids. She's about to dump him. If the guy hasn't said I love you followed by will you marry me, then he doesn't, and he won't.......

Answer 4

Yeah, I'd say 5 years is plenty long time to make up one's mind. If he's still making up excuses instead, you may want to re-think your committment to him. Marriage certificate may just be a piece of paper - but lets face it, in this society it's an important piece of paper. Obviously, it's important to you. If his priorities are different in a fundamental matter such as this - is the relationship really going to work out in the long run? If the cost of a ring is an issue - get a less expensive one. But I suspect this isn't the issue at all. There's nothing wrong with leaving things the way they are, and not getting married at all - but only as long as both of you are happy with the arrangement. If you're not, perhaps you need to consider other options. (You could press on harder, or give an ultimatum - but you still need to be ready to stirke out on your own should he refuse to budge. My feeling is, if he *really* wanted to do it, you guys would be married already.)

Answer 5

You need to seriously sit him down and talk to him...is an engagement ring really that important to you, or do you just want to be married? If he can't afford a ring maybe that is why he is not asking. You need to decide what you really want. An engagement to me wasn't that big of a deal, I just wanted to get married. I knew my husband couldn't afford the ring I wanted so we sat down and talked about it and I just have a wedding band and on our 5th anniversary I will get my rock. To me having him as my husband was more important then a ring. Talk to your man make sure you are both on the same page and he still wants to marry you. Good Luck

Answer 6

Have you considered whether or not you even want to marry a guy who's dragging his feet like this? I mean, it doesn't seem like he really wants to get married. If he let his mom talk him out of it, you've got to wonder where his priorities lie. Maybe you should run while you still can. This could be a sign. Or you could just give him an ultimatum.

Answer 7

Ahhh sister it is time to rock the boat. He's getting the milk for free so why buy the cow. Sit him down and explain that you need a deeper commitment from him. If he hems and haws.....leave him. 5 years is more than enough time to know if the person is "the one". Its now time to put up or shut up. As my moms said....If a man doesnt know if he wants to marry you after 2 years....chances are...he isnt going to.

Answer 8

He will never marry you. Men know who they want to marry and act upon it when the time is right. I personally didn't wait for forever with my then bf, now husband. I asked him after a year and half what his plans were because I didn't want to waste my time.

Sorry to say, but I don't see it happening. You have to move on.

Answer 9

normally a ring should be on your finger withing 2.5 years of a first date, and if he lets someone talk him out of it then he is not sure of getting married anyway

Answer 10

let him know that if his mother is more important then you then your leaving
leave for like... well i dont know how long but wait for him
if he loves you HE WILL CALL!! if not then leave him already you take it from there