I just signed divorce papers after thirty five years of marriage to the man I love. He has a problem I couldn't safely live with. Now everytime I look at a man I am afraid to get interested because I wonder if he will have the same problem as my husband. Bi-polar
to the extreme...would not stay on medication...and liked to have a lot weapons (guns, knives, pit bull dogs). I guess in time things will get better, but thirty five years is too long to stay with someone you don't even recognize. In a years time my husband who had always been my dream come true... became cruel, deceptive, and just scary...like on the Shining. I couldn't "fix" the problem. I wish so badly I could.
2006-07-20 11:39:53 · 16 answers · asked by ivy devine 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Why in the world did you stay in the relationship that long? You must have really deep inside loved him and hoped that things would get better. You can't change a person, only yourself. It seems like at this moment you have no desire for other men? Is it because your heart is still for your husband? The best thing you can do, is, work on keeping your self worth. Keep working on helping yourself, finding yourself, loving yourself. You don't seem like you are in a state right now to be looking for another man. Until you are able to build your own self esteem, than you will know when or if you are ready to start meeting and dating.Life is a learning and growing process. It may not be fear itself but how your heart was torn apart. Find things that interest you and keep yourself focused on that. Hobbies and doing things that bring you enjoyment. You also need healing, as much as your husband does. It takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. Please take care of yourself. We all sail our own ships and you need to look after and care for your own self being. Find things to give you that pleasure and enjoyment again. It may be your kids, grandkids. anything that will help you to laugh again. It will happen if you keep yourself focused.
2006-07-20 12:05:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally I am sorry you had to go through that. when I was 8 my mom married a guy that sounds just like what you described. They however didn't last 35 years because I walked in on him hitting my mom one day and I became so angry I started kicking and puching him in the nuts until he ran out of the house and never came back. But you know what there are a lot of crazy guys out there. I think it is getting worse but I am not sure why. With all that said I would recommend that you verse yourself in how to read people true personality traits. There are tons of books out there that can help you with this. There are even ones that can help you size someones personality traits based on how they walk (it is extremely fascinating). Also, look at there friends before you get to serious. How long have they had these friends, how many do they have, are the friends able to maintain relationships? The it takes one to know one rule really does apply here. Finally, how good of friends are they? To quote a poster I once read "a friend will help you move a real friend will help you move a body." If you verse yourself in how to read someones true personality and they have really good close friends then chances are you have nothing to worry about. "knowledge is power."
2006-07-20 18:52:41 · answer #2 · answered by mentallyendangered 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My X was also Bi-Polar and I could only stand 1.5 years with her. I can't imagine 35 years. I sometimes get scared that the next girl will be like her and I have my gaurd up more when it comes to first meeting people. I'm always looking to see suttle signs that they are a lunatic. However after being away from her for about a year I have come to realize that my fears are mostly in my head. You should look at it this way: If the next guy is like that then you are an expert on identifying it and therefore will be able to see it early. You probably just need time to heal cause it does take some time to adjust from insanity to normal life, but it will happen. It did for me. I hope I helped.
2006-07-20 18:47:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make sure your ex knows you love him. The reason I say this is so that you will be at rest knowing that the man you love (your ex), knows you love him. It will truly help you to move past the pain of the divorce. Confront him, call him, or write him a letter making sure he knows your true feelings. After this, wash your self clean of past negative feelings by accepting them!!! Let your memories of your failed marriage come and let them pass. Let your fears come and let them pass. Do not run from any of this. Let your heart feel everything. This will help you to get over your fears and disappointments.
When you meet a man and start to feel fear ....let these feelings come. But do not let your mind scare you more then is healthy. Do not fear a man just because you fear the past. Do not confuse the two events. the past is the past. Walk right through the "fire" of your fears!!!! Just walk right on through!!! There is peace and comfort and love at the end for you. Do not ever let your heart keep you from trusting!! Trust first always.
2006-07-20 18:56:38 · answer #4 · answered by ilovedragonflies6 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OMG, sounds kinda like my ex. :)
But really... How many people like this have you known?
Most people have "the dark side", but it's not as extreme. I don't know how one would tackle this fear of relationship, since it's not exactly rational. I guess, one would just have to try to assess the risks and the benefits, and proceed accordingly. There are risks that come with being in a relationship... But the benefits are potentially enormous. You may be over-estimating the risks. Also, time will probably soften the negative feelings. Good luck!
2006-07-20 18:53:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest you take some time and figure out who you are as a person. This is your chance to do wild and crazy things you would never have done when married. Enjoy yourself! Have a lot of fun and do different things. You will meet men - most as friends. Having male friends will allow you to slowly become trusting in men again. After a couple of years you may find yourself in a serious relationship and very happy.
2006-07-20 18:52:15 · answer #6 · answered by physandchemteach 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Being too guarded will drive the good men away and leave only the dysfunctional one. Take a chance and start dating and being adventurous.Clean the slate and dont let your past experience cloud anything you do moving forward. Men hate baggage!
2006-07-20 18:46:39 · answer #7 · answered by DirtySanchez 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Befriend men and just spend time with them as companions. Get a male companion to watch a movie with from time to time, a male friend to eat lunch with etc., like a coworker or a male cousin.
Take it one step at a time.
2006-07-20 19:35:23 · answer #8 · answered by the_memory_of_ashes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start with group gatherings and become more comfortable with them around. Go out with some girlfriends for a night out. Relax and it will come in time. Good luck.
2006-07-20 18:45:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Am so sorry for you really...after 35 years of marriage its hard i know.
Not all men are like that. just keep your wits up and keep trying and you will definetly find some good caring person.
2006-07-20 18:45:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋