Why did I let my husband have an affair?

Question

My husband had an affair with a woman and I couldn't do anything to stop him. I saw pictures of them together, read letters she had written and talked to her on the phone. The spent holidays together such as New Years, Thanksgiving, birthdays and Valentines day.

How do I get past knowing that they were intimate and often had sex? How do I forgive him for ever starting this with her?

I tell myself (and he tells me) that he really didn't care about her, that she was the biggest mistake of his life. He wants to get his life back, but can't forgive himself for what he has done. He is sometimes sad and I don't know what I can do to help him.

He did finally come home and just cut himself off from the other woman. They haven't spoken since he's been home. Is he truly sorry?

Answer 1

You haven't mentioned whether or not you have kids, which they do, play an effective role in a marriage. Secondly, don't listen to these idiots that give you a one line answer to, "dump him", "take him to the cleaners" or that crap. This is your life talking about and it can't be summed up that quickly or without a great deal of thought or concern.

So with that out of the way, men have affairs for a couple of main reasons, the most common is the fact that they've found someone who as added a saprk to their lives and is interested in them in a sexual manner. This does not mean you have neglected him in these areas, this just implies that we (men) are utterly flabbergahasted when we can attract someone else.

It's a very difficult decision to end your marriage; if you can't possibly get over it, then you need to move on with your life. But consider brief counseling if that's the route you take.

Now, if ther's a remote possibility that you want to keep it together, which I think you feel you want to, then consider this; It will take eons of time for you to get over this; the hurt, shame and anger you'll feel, will take it's toll. You both should enroll in joint counseling, for three reasons, one, to determine why he did it, two, how you both can salvage the marrige and three, what you both need to do as a couple to communicate better your differences, likes, and dislikes. To discuss what yu as a couple need to do to spice things up somewhat. And move on from there.

The most important thing is that you DO NOT, FOR ONE MINUTE, blame yoursself for any of what has transpired. Genetically speaking, men are mutts and if given the right amount of attention, when our lives are at a standstill, or we're feeling unwanted, depressed about ourselves, we will accept the lure of the opposite sex, but it is rare. It is rare that it happens. I would like to think that the moon has to be in line with Venus, the stars, and what-have-you, but the point is, it is rare.

If your husband feels bad about this and you should be able to tell, and you can accept his inagressions then work on a plan for the both of you to adhere to to fix things, and do it soon. If you don't like what you've read here or in any other answers, make your own plan out but follow it. Communication is the root evil that puts us in these situations, if you can't keep an open line of communication going, then all of your work will be for nothing

Although divorce is easy, it is for the most part one of painful experiences people can endure when it is over a problem of infidelity. If in your heart, you think you can get over this, salvage your realtionship with him. If you cannot or don't believe he is trustworthy again, then end it. Either way, help yourself, get it off your chest; seek counseling.

Good luck and Godspeed

Answer 2

Well, first off don't blame yourself. You weren't the one that cheated! Maybe there were some more drastic measures you could have taken to interfere, but ultimately, it was HIS choice to do evil, and his mistake. He was the one that didn't take your marriage vows seriously. This would be a really tough situation for me. Truly, we are all human and sinners, but as far as trust issues and relationships go, there not much worse one can do in the line of betrayal. There is hope. I pray you two turn to Jesus. He can fix all problems. Believe it or not some people have had this happen before and were able to stay together and overcome. The sadness he's feeling is guilt, and that's good, his heart should condemn him for doing wrong. Now you 2 must work together, get counseling, and WORK at rebuilding the trust and love you once had in this relationship. There is a profound attack on marriage and unity (the evidence is obvious, just look at the statistics). But a lot of couples go through various abuse issues, whether it be physical abuse, emotional abuse, or even sexual abuse. You CAN get through this and leave it in the past if you BOTH are willing to and get the help you need. I pray for strength and unity in your marriage. With God, all things are possible.

Answer 3

First of all, you didn't "let" him have an affair, he "chose" to have one. Big difference. You are in no way, shape or form responsible for his actions.

How do you get past the fact that he was intimate w/another women...time. How do you forgive him...again, time. You must forgive him though for your marriage to survive.

I hope you guys are getting counseling for the problems in your marriage that led to the affair in the first place though. An affair isn't the problem, it's a symptom of a much deeper problem.

I'm glad he's cut himself off from the other women, you guys cannot heal from this if he's still communicating in any way with her. I would say from what you've said he certainly sounds truly sorry, but you and he are really the only people who know that for sure.

Best of luck to you both.

Answer 4

Wait a minute. He cheated on you, betrayed your trust, and your trying to figure out how YOU can help him? The fact that she didnt mean anything to him would bother me more than if she had. He was willing to throw away your marriage over someone he didnt care at all about???? Seek counseling or some sort of couples therapy. As far as him being sad...he should be sad. He did a terrible thing to someone he loves. I am not saying dont be forgiving, that is a personal choice, but from the sounds of it.....you have been a doormat long enough.

Answer 5

No, he wasn't sorry the first time he did it because he did it over and over again. He's sorry that she's gone, he never really cared about her? hmmm i'm thinking that translates to something like she dumped him. Why would you forgive him for this and bull you couldn't do anything to stop it, what you could have done is not put up with it, but that isn't the choice you made, you knew and you took it so he has no reason on earth not to do it again with a different woman. I think you should get some couselling and figure out why you have so little respect for yourself that you would allow someone to do that to you and still consider how to 'forgive' him, the fact is he doesn't deserve forgivness and you giving it to him just makes you an even bigger fool. you must feel horrible about yourself and i'm sorry for that but it isn't too late to change it!

Answer 6

I tell u what to know for sure got out and have fun go to the club are out with the ladies for a night are 2 what u should have did when he started cheating went out and find your own friend a man don't miss nothing until it's gone then he realize that what he had was golden take his word that's he done but if u he go out and do it again go play his game like i tell every woman who go through this you never miss a good thing till it's gone and after that 2nd chance it should be gone for good talk his word but don't lean on it watch his every move what time he come his attitude the way he treat you if he act like he really don't want to be near you go move on but if he's serious he do anything u ask him because he want you to forgive him every-time u fight bring it up have u forgot u cheated not me let him know who was wrong u deserve better make him take u out tell him to make u feel like your appreciated

Answer 7

Your question bothers the heck out of me (a guy). You didn't let him have an affair. HE DID IT, NO ONE ELSE. He's sad and YOU don't know what you can do to help HIM? My dear, I sympathize with you and your fears. That's a very difficult place to be.
Please find a counselor who can help you sort out your responsibility as separate and distinct from his responsibility. (I've got a hint--if he did it it's his responsibility.) Then, I would require he get a counselor before letting him back in my life. Since behavior patterns are very difficult to change without help (that's where the counselor comes in) there is a high probability that, in your vernacular, you will let him have another affair in the future.

Answer 8

Yes, he's sorry....sorry, that she dumped him for another guy.

You will never forgive him for having an affair with this woman...

You made your first mistake by taking his *** back, and if he really didn't care for her, why did he spend so many precious moments with her, while you were home alone. (Think about it)

There is nothing you can do to help him, he sounds like a guy who just got his heart broken....and is trying to gain your sympathy, as opposed to you confronting him regarding his love affair.

Ha, trying to get his life back, yeah I would definitely make sure he get his life back...Open your eyes, this guy is playing mind games with you...I'm sure he did he cut himself off from her....he had no choice.

Answer 9

HI,I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU BOTH CAN GET PAST THIS.IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME AND SOME PATICENCE.YOU BOTH CAN OVER COME THIS I KNOW I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERINCE.I M NOT BRAGGING BY NO MEANS. I HAVE BEEN THERE AN WE ARE OVER COMING THIS YOU BOTH NEED TO TALK TO EACH OTHER DO THING TOGETHER GO PLACES TOGETHER JUST BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.IF YOU TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER YOU CAN OVER COME THIS I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR MARRIAGE RIGHT NOW...............LORD JESUS RIGHT NOW I ASK YOU TO TOUCH THIS COUPLE'S MARRIAGE.LORD THAT THEY COULD GET THINGS BACK THE WAY THEY NEED TO BE JUST BLESS THERE MARRIAGE HELP THEM TO BE UNDERSTANDING TO EACH OTHERS NEEDS.LOVE THEM LORD MAYBE IF THERE NOT LIVING THERE LIFE WITH YOU LORD MAYBETHEY WILL SEE THAT YOU CAN REALLY HELP THERE MARRIAGE. SO LORD I TRULY PRAY TONIGHT FOR THIS COUPLE THEY NEED YOUR GUIDENCE AND YOUR LOVE ASKING ALL THESE THINGS IN YOUR HOLY NAME.I PRAISE YOU LORD BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST TO FOR US OF OUR SINS.AMEN GOD BLESS YALL............

Answer 10

You have a choice to make. Do you trust him? Do you believe him? Do you want him back? GET THEE TO COUNSELING (WITH HIM)!! Find out why he threw away your trust on a floozy. Once his actions are understood you will be able to make a better decision about your future.