The three adult kids were glad to see us move out of state and leave our home into the care the youngest and her family. Now, after ten years, we're back. They have to either move out of our home or live with us 24/7. They hate me for trying to be bosy about its maintainance. They are resentful that they have lost their privacy and autonomy. They won't move out. The son-in-law provokes me by being mean to our nine year old grandson. But we're not moving out. I cry, openly, in town, at meetings, and any time I think about them hating me. Will A.A. help?
2006-07-20 10:52:44 · 6 answers · asked by ADMIRAL 0125 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
AA would call it an outside issue and ignore it. They don't care much for real life.
And would you really WANT their advice?
It's YOUR home, YOUR rules. If your son-in-law doesn't like it, kick him to the curb. Your daughter and grandson can follow him or not. If he knows you're serious, maybe he'll start acting better.
2006-07-20 18:30:56 · answer #1 · answered by raysny 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know all the details but from what you posted I see...
you moved away and let your adult child live in, I'll call it the old homestead, with or without the understanding that you might move back at a later date. You say we're back so I assume that means your spouse is there too.
Just remember change is hard for most of us to adjust to and your family is going thru a major change.
It is a challenge for multi generations to live together.
the younger almost always feel like they are being treated like kids again and they can never see any of the ways they themselves contribute to that and the older gen. feels disrespected and shoved to the side.
Keep trying to improve the communication. Try to have some family discussions and clear the air in a CALM manner and avoid any guilt trips and subtle put downs.
If they have lived there rent free and just paid the utilities and such they are spoiled due to your previous generosity. Now they resent having the (apron) strings (re) attached...
I would suggest you write down what you want to say to them and practice it and modify it till you get it worded as good as you can.
also don't let them turn it into an argument... don't bite the bait they toss out.
If your son-in -law is doing what you say just remember that when we can't speak up for ourselves we can and do often take it out on someone weaker. He percieves you as stronger and will not challenge you directly.
instead of focusing on his 'bad' behavior to your grandson try reaching out to him with respect and complement him on the things he has done right.
as to the household maintinence... that is a challenge. they have been accustom to having the run of the house and now "Mommy dearest" is back and they probably feel they can never live up to your expectations so they fight you.... this too requires patience...
try having a special time set asside to talk out the issues and give each person as much 'space' as you can.
AA has nothing to offer except tea (coffee) and sympathy and they might not offer even that.... but if it is already part of your life that is your choice.
Just tell yourself they don't really hate you because it isn't true. They don't hate you they just dislike having to share what they once had full unencumbered use of.... You got this far you can make it work if you let everone talk and say their piece so each is heard and some accomidations can be made...
2006-07-22 06:24:21 · answer #2 · answered by ??IMAGINE ?? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO AA will make matters worse. They do not have any problem solving skills to offer... you would be better off to talk with a counselor or clergy person or someone who can give you more direct family counseling.... You need to understand how your return has altered their life and they need to understand you better and learn to be less resentful... You did not say what the prior arrangements were as to who actually owns the house and all but I'm guessing you do and that you let them live there.
You could try the things that a book on how to have healthy relationships offers. like having family meetings with ground rules like no interrupting and no personal put downs...
It will take each person showing a willingness to bend and see the other persons side too.
Try anything else but not AA it will make maters worse not better.
Good luck.
2006-07-21 23:53:25 · answer #3 · answered by surfnsfree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
With an alcoholic issue or not. By you being the father is enough for respect. The son n law needs to take classes on respecting his elders and how to treat a child. You should ask him where did he go wrong growing up. Now since your back, your children who are adults should move. I'm not sure if you had given them heads up but now they know. Beside the son n law provoking you in your home is a no no.. So please stop crying. Talk to our God.. he'll fix it.. Trust me he will. have faith. your crys and prayers will soon be answered
2006-07-20 18:41:04 · answer #4 · answered by foxy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No it wont and heres why. First of all you left the place to them so you gave up the right to boss anyone around ther. You left and you want to go back and expect everything to be ok. Thats not how life is the only thing you can do is suck it up and live with them or get the f*uck out
2006-07-20 17:57:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh ,i am so sorry for you.i guess you have tried talking to them.well,if i were you i would tell them if you want the house BUY it!keep your cool ...smile from now on ,invite your friends and family over,dont show them you are worried about anything.good luck!
2006-07-20 18:06:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋