I would like to cultivate our relationship so that he is more of a "go getter."
I try very hard not to wear the pants in the family so that he can take care of things himself, and eventually have the confidence to start taking charge....
He seems to be sinking rather than swimming under this new policy, however. It seems there might be something I am still doing that might emasculate him?
Any advice, from MEN especially, would be greatly appreciated!
2006-07-20 05:08:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
TYPO: Sorry, I should have said ..."DISABLE my husband's co dendent...." Not "enable" Sorry! :)
2006-07-20 05:11:53 · update #1
I can tell you that it does get better with time. I've been married 19 years to a man that was so insecure when we married that he wouldn't take the initiative to do much of anything. It came from years of his father (who is a genius) standing in judgment of all that he expected his son to be who in turn felt that he was always disappointing the father. He used to tell me he loved me hundreds of times a day and I literally put him on a quota at one point because he wasn't saying it for me; he was saying it so that I would say it back to him to validate his need to feel that he was loved. Fortunately the longer people live together the more they take on different facets of the partners personality. Over the years I have seen him become much more assertive in a number of areas. Sometimes its not in the areas that I would like for him to become more comfortable in handling but I guess you can't pick and choose. So be patient and loving and trust that he is most likely far more aware of his weaknesses than you even if he doesn't acknowledge it. Nagging just makes it worse - tried it myself. When I just completely backed off and continued to just be myself I suddently noticed that he was starting to feed on my outgoingness and assertiveness himself and applying it in his life. Thank you for asking this question. I think its helped me more than it may help you right now because its made me take the time to think about how much better things are today between us than they were when we first married. Makes me realize that when it boils down to it I'm really pretty pleased with the man he is today and it makes me much more optimistic that things will only improve in the future.
2006-07-20 06:38:13 · answer #1 · answered by Sonie 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So been there (still there come to think of it), done that. if you are an assertive, 'doing' type of woman that's who you are and if he is one of those to sit back and just let it happen types, well then that's who he is. In my experience, it can be frustrating irritating and just so tiring just trying to not appear that you are the one in charge. We both sat down and looked at what he was good at - gardening, housework, DIY and I was good at cooking, dealing with bills, and fixing the car. So we both do what we each do best. as for saying yes dear, no dear, hmmm how patronising would that be? would be denying who you are and would be insulting for him. If you start to acknowledge that you both have something valuable to contribute to your relationship then you are halfway there. My husband does his own laundry, as does my son, both take part in keeping the house clean, as do I, we all do what we are best at. Good luck
2006-07-20 06:27:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cant change another person, no matter how hard you try. If he is not willing to go to therapy, then I suggest that you go yourself. I was severely co-dependent and I found a great therapist who worked with me on my co-dependent issues. It took some time and some work, but it's possible to recover from co-dependency.
2006-07-20 05:58:56 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
There is a great group out there called CODA--Co-Dependents Anonymous. My husband belonged to it during and just after his first marriage, and it helped him a lot.
2006-07-20 09:55:05 · answer #4 · answered by cross-stitch kelly 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start by asking his opinion on lots of important things and asking his advice too. Use the ideas that he comes up with and show him how well his idea worked.
2006-07-20 05:14:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand by your man in all walks of life,good-bad or ugly. As time passes you'll nudge him in the right direction.
2006-07-20 06:41:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
BE the example of how you would like the relationship to BE, without telling him what to do.
After awhile he will follow your lead.
2006-07-20 06:12:36 · answer #7 · answered by aldiaz2wheare 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
say this yes dear you are right. yes dear you are so smart yes dear you are right yes dear i m so glad that i chose you to be my mate for life yes dear i am so happy to have you as my best friend..yes dear i love you so very much yes dear i care whats happens to you ....call him lord of your house serve him...coffee food just always be there to serve him....pray for him to GOD and ask him to bless your husband and lead him into leadership of your home 1 Corinthians 11 is very good to read about your husband and GOD asked me to wear a head covering on my head and i do this for my husband....i love doing things for my husband at all times.........love Suzi i don't mind being wrong when my husband is wrong even tho he thinks he right........i rather be wrong then fight for my right..its a man thing to be right and that all right with me....... love Suzi
2006-07-20 05:24:43 · answer #8 · answered by Jesus freak 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if it's that severe then you should consider therapy... maybe he's depressed about something completely different...
2006-07-20 05:38:09 · answer #9 · answered by constanze_mylove 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋