Why does my 19year old keep doing thing sover and over when I say not to?

Question

He has broken several vaccums because he doesn't pick things up. I have to take it apart, clean it out and put it back together each time I go to use it. I have told him over and over "don't use the vaccum" but he still does. He says "I forgot". Now we don't own one so that problem is solved for now. On to the lawn mower. We used to borow one but he mindlessly ran into trees and over rough brush, causing damage to the blades and hood. I was so embarrassed. Anyway, I bought a new push mower, I set the mower to cut at a certain height, 3 1/2 inches. He has decided to lower it as low as it can go. He feels this will decrease the number of times the lawn needs to be cut. With the blades at 1 inch,this has resulted in my yard turning brown and muddy, where the grass has been completely pulled out from the earth. This morning I saw my front yard. Cropped to the dirt, huge piles of cuttings, I said it looked like the village idiot cut my grass. Now he is mad at me. Am I wrong?

Thank you for the responses. I do have to get him on his own but when I see this mindless destruction, I get confused. I just don't think he is ready. His father died of alcholism at 38, my son was 13. I half think that he is trying his best to be a man by making his own decisions and ignoring me completely. Sort of like his father did. By the way, I cut the grass usually, I like lawn work, it gets me outside. I also like to vacuum. Neither of these are his responsibility. I need to be more clear with him on his chores. I am hesitant in giving him more to do because after burning my yard (at least 4 times this summer) he still hasn't learned. Or is it passive aggression. aybe couneling will help. I will check it out.
Thank you all again!

Answer 1

This might be a longer answer than you are looking for but please read on.

This sounds like classic Passive-Aggressive behavior.

Excerpt (from article at link below):

"People with passive-aggressive behaviors show hostility and aggression in passive ways. Their aim is to resist job and social demands. Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors are:
-"Forgetting” to do something on purpose
- Making a habit of putting off or being late with social and/or job tasks
-Failing to do one’s share of the work or doing sub-standard work on purpose
-Having a constant negative attitude
-Criticizing authority figures, not openly, but in subtle ways

The goal of passive-aggressive behavior is to frustrate the wishes of others and make others angry. This anger is most often directed at bosses, roommates, spouses, parents, teachers, or anyone who has power or authority. But, sometimes, people are not aware that their behavior is purposeful.

What leads to passive-aggressive behavior? Some researchers think that these behaviors stem from certain childhood experiences. They believe that parents who were aggressive and exercised complete control over their child did not let the child express himself or herself. This may have pushed the child into adopting passive-aggressive behavior patterns to cope. If, for example, the child openly disagreed with the parent and was punished for doing so, the child learned to substitute passive resistance for active resistance."

You have to be willing to change your behavior (your reaction to his behavior) before you can expect him to change his. If he's working and making money he should be expected to pay for damage to items he misuses or abuses intentionally. At this age he should also be expected to make monetary contributions to food and shelter (I am assuming you feed him and he lives in your home). If he won't contribute his fair share and continues to intentionally do the opposite of what you ask of him it's time for him to move out and find out how hard it is supporting himself with a minimum wage job. When he has to use his own money to purchase something like a vacuum cleaner I can assure you he will learn to take better care of "things".

Answer 2

Your kid sounds like a complete brat. Did you make him pay for the vaccum or the blades on the mower? You need to to more then just tell him. He's 19, he should have a job and he should pay for anything he damages or brakes including your lawn. Make him buy grass seed and replant the lawn and then lets see how "mad" he is then.. He'll never learn if your just like- oh well, now we don't have a vaccum, he doesn't care. When he's gotta work 40 hour a week at walmart or burger king and pay $200 for a new vaccum- He'll start to care.

Answer 3

Yea you're wrong he's 19 thats what 19 year olds do. If you want it done some special way then why dont you go out and do it yourself... Buy your own lawnmower buy your own vacuum. Let him buy his own vacuum or you do the vacuuming for him if it's such a problem... Also some people are not inclined to do stuff like cut grass. I think insuting him by referring to him as the village idiot doesn't help much either... Im 27 and my dad used to yell at me about stupid crap like that when I was 18 and 19. My dad died when I was 19 and I was pissed at him when he died i know thats not how you want your son to feel over the frickin grass...

Answer 4

i comprehend how ur feeling. i'm 22 and have been given married final 3 hundred and sixty 5 days yet have been courting for 3 years. We dont have young little ones yet the two, yet money is a great vast difficulty. we've grown and adjusted too, that's healthful as you reported yet could be stressful or not trouble-free. we attempt to do issues at the same time once or twice a week. He works 2nd shift so fairly the weekends are the only time i'm getting to confirm him, yet like the next day he is going out along with his acquaintances, which i assume is nice yet what concerns me is that I dont comprehend those people. I recommend in simple terms make valuable lines of verbal replace are open and doubtless have a date nighttime like one week do something u choose the subsequent him or do slightly of the two pass out to dinner and then come domicile and watch a movie as a results of fact that u like being out and he prefers to be domicile. i desire issues get greater perfect, in simple terms comprehend they're going to.

Answer 5

Dear Mom,

I gently and seriously think it is time you instruct your son that he has a month to find a job and an apartment. You can even help him with the deposit if it's feasible for you. If not, it's up to him. He is a grown man and is being lazy and living off you and not listening to your requests. So, "gotta go.' It's for his own good and your own sanity. Time for him to step up and act like a man. Tell him you're confident that he can do it, and regardless, his stuff will be out on the stoop and the locks changed in excatly one month from now. Follow through and he will get the picture. You don't want him to be a baby forever.

Tough love, Mom!

Answer 6

He is 19 years old and sounds lazy. Treat these chores like a job. If you hired someone to cut the grass or vacuum and they did a crappy job and caused damage you would not pay them and have them pay for the repairs.

This young man will not learn if all you are doing is yelling at him and not expecting him to pay for repairs on the stuff he is breaking. Tell him clearly what you expect of him in a calm tone and what the consequences are.

It sounds like you are the enabler to this young man's laziness and lack of responsibility and need to change this pattern. It is much easier to teach children responsibility when they are children.

Good luck.

Answer 7

If he breaks the vaccum again, tell him he needs to fix it, and if he refuses to fix it, tell him that you will make him pay for a new one. As for the lawm mower, try and come to a comprimise. about 2.5 inches, or maybe even 3. You could also try locking the mower at 3.5 inches. You were not wrong, I bet you're feeling that the village idiot DID cut the lawn!

Answer 8

Sounds like your son needs to get out on his own. Why is it that male children seem to be babies forever? Does he have a job outside the home? Try charging him rent in exchange for not being mature enough to a handle a simple chore. A landlord would make him pay for a new lawn. Maybe you should, too.

Answer 9

Have you been criticizing him all his life by any chance? My kids could mow the lawn and safely vacuum (yes, boys) from the age of about 10-11 years old. Of course, they made mistakes when they first start doing new things - AS DOES EVERYONE but insted of criticizing, you need to gently tell them how it is done correctly WITHOUT putting them down.
I NOTICED YOUR AVATAR "DO IT RIGHT"
Sounds like you may have expected way too much at an early age.

Answer 10

No, you're not wrong. How about suggesting that he move out and get his own place? If he decides to stay at home there has to be rules and these rules need to be written out, such as: If you use the vacuum cleaner, I will charge you $50. If you refuse to pay the $50 then you will need to find a new place to live.