My husband has a good friend at work that is a woman and he confides in - how should I handle this?

Question

My husband and I recently got in a huge fight where some things came out that he was lying about. Only for me to find out that he has been confiding in a woman co-worker about these things, not to mention plenty of other things that he didn't talk to me about, and things that I thought were just between me and him. He says they are only really good friends, and I believe him at this point. However I don't appreciate our deepest feelings to be discussed with this other woman, not to mention him not coming to his own wife to discuss things that involve me. I feel like this other woman is his best friend more than I am. We've talked and come to an understanding that we need to communicate more, however I can not trust that he won't just continue to talk to this other woman about things. I also worry if their friendship continues as it has been that it will turn into something more.

Answer 1

Me personally i would be upset if my husband was confiding to another woman...I would want to meet this woman...she may have an agenda of her own and tell him to stop putting your business out there ask him how it would make him feel if it was you talking to another man about his problems..i am sure he wouldn't like it

Answer 2

Well basically from an outsiders point of view, an also personal point of view, i felt that you guys need to communicate more intimately and deeply. Sometimes keeping silent and listening is also a great way of communication. To me, i would rather listen then speak, only then, you will understand what the other party is thinking and what's bothering them. Maybe you guys should start all over again, and learn to learn to know each other again. Maybe you guys should cool off for a period of time, away from each other. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, maybe time off will let you guys know how to communicate and appreciate each other better. Coming back to your question, i dont think you should really worry yourself silly regarding this female co-worker of your hubby. Perhaps you yourself have been in a similar situation before, confiding in a male friend regarding your own relationship which may not necessary be in its best condition. Women are known to be the more jealous creature so sometimes a matter as purely as friendship may end up ruining something as good and loving a relationship.
Just my two cents worth.. all the best!

Answer 3

Hi...I was in the very same situation with my now-ex wife. This was actually her boss. Their communications seemed innocent enough but, with the increasingly intimate nature of their conversations, it turned into an affair within 4 months. Please don't misunderstand me..I am not suggesting this would happen, and sure hope you do not have to go thru what I did...but, the indicators are there. There is somewhat of a violation of privacy when a spouse talks about marital business & issues with someone - especially in that arena.

My experience is that this relationship is going down the primose path...straight for 'affair-ville'. I'm so sorry to say it..but, from what you speak, it does seem like there is the serious potential for this.

You husband might even be lead by this woman...innocently or not. I don't know if I can explain this effectively or not; but when a woman gives a man attention...even with just listening...men, for whatever reason, find it immensely attractive and are drawn to that person with every syllable spoken by her. She may not even do this on purpose...but men, being wired as we are, simply find it flattering to have that attention. Unfortunately, depending on what condition our relationships are in, this can escalate rapidly.

I would suggest to him that marital/personal issues be kept between you & him; state, firmly but without anger, that you do not want your business discussed with anyone. Leave 'her' out of it at this point...you need to let him know that these discussions, no matter who they are with (guys at the bar after work, etc...) should not be happening. If there are 'concerns' that he feels so compelled to talk about, you're all ears...he *should* be talking to YOU.

...best wishes, hon...it sounds like there might be a bit of a long, bumpy road ahead. Please feel free to email me if you want to chat. Unfortunately, I've been down that road before.

~Michael

Answer 4

Your husband confining in another woman about your most intimate feelings is cheating. Sex is not the only excuse/reason for cheating, it can be emotional, mental, etc. Your husband is cheating on you emotionally. You and your husband need to go to a marriage counselor, to sort things out and have better communications. You are correct in saying/thinking you should be his best friend. If he loves you and respects you and your marriage, he should promise you that he will not discuss anything intimate with this woman. I would make it a point to meet this woman "friend" of his. Good Luck.

Answer 5

So let me get this straight. It's yet another double standard. I woman can have a woman friend and share private conversations but that is it? A friend is a friend no matter what the sex. You must not have that much trust in him if you think anything more of it than what it is. Hardly the foundation of a good relationship.

Answer 6

I would be concerned just from past experiences. Our marriage began to fall apart when we didn't communicate well with each other any more. I now have a friend that I talk with all the time. I am sure we are closer than me and my husband. So far we are just friends, but I won't be surprised if more becomes of it. It is good that you talked to your husband about it. I hope everything works out and make sure you keep talking with him about everything if you don't want to lose him.

Answer 7

You should be the one he confides in, not this woman. It may seem innocent to him, because we guys are so ignorant to things sometimes. If he continues there will be some type of bond formed between them. It doesn't even have to be sexual or initimate, but a bond can form and that's dangerous. He needs to cut that off. From expereince if a man doesn't give his wife all of his attention, then problems occur

Answer 8

This is such a difficult situation. I am going through it also. Thankfully, the girl that I worry about is just a temp girl who will be gone in a few weeks.

I makes me so mad that he knows everything about her and he has been talking to her about very personal things that he does not even talk to me about. He even knows how much insurance she pays for her 17 year old son's car. Sounds silly, but he is just not the type to talk about such things. He does not even know how much insurance is for his own son. Crazy. A little too much information, if you know what I mean.

I would be quite worried if I were you. While it's true that people who work together have deep conversations about things that are going on in their lives, it is alarming that he is calling her a "good friend". You are supposed to be his good friend. Like you said, he is supposed to confide in you. I would consider what he is doing a betrayal, too. In some ways, it's worse than a sexual relationship with someone else.

As women, intuition is our strongest gift. It's little words that seem out of place that cause us to become aware of problems like this. The same thing happened with me. He knew everything about this "schoolteacher and preacher's wife", but he did not know what town she lived in, her first or last name, etc. He knows EVERYONE'S name. It's one of his gifts. Why lie and say he does not know her name?

Hopefully, you and I can find the right balance of letting them know that we feel there is a problem and not nagging too much. I have dropped it with my husband, but I let him know that all it will take is one call to a detective agency to check up on him. And there are polygraph agencys in every town that do infidelity checks for around 300.00. I would never actually make him go, but I'm not beyond letting him know that those options are out there. Maybe the thought of it will keep him walking a straight line.

You just can't be too careful these days with all of the diseases out there. He made a comment about how she was there at work to "support and protect her family". I let him know that we have a son, too, and that as his mother it is my job to support and protect his future. That includes making sure some ***** does not walk off with his father!

I have made obvious efforts to make sure that he understands that he needs to take his lunch breaks without her and that he call me often in the evenings(he works in another state four days a week).

I've known some sneaky women, and you are right to be worried. If there is any way possible, it would be in the best interest of your marriage to insist that they not spend time together. You may have to do something to get his attention. Maybe join a gym and let him know that it is because you need to meet a "close friend" since he has one. It's awful to have to resort to such childish tactics, but sometimes we just have to bow to a man's level to get his attention.

Good luck with this one. Don't worry yourself to death over it(easier said than done), but make sure that you have a plan in case you need one.

Answer 9

They r on the verge of an affair if not having one already. Tryy to be a good listener and don't criticise wen he tells u tins

Answer 10

you are so right it well turn in to some thing more it could happen especially when you two fight he probley geting tired of you and he probley like this other girl more then he love you so be ready for a divorce in the future.