In Need of Advice!!?

Question

My wife has never made love to me. I always make love to her. I feel she is emotionally detached from me. I have become bitter towards her, because I want to be loved by her emotionally as well as physically. She rarely initiates intimacy and I feel bad for having urges for her. I feel it is wrong for me to be bitter towards her, but I am frustrated. Am I wrong? Opinions needed.

We have been married for 10 years. I noticed these things right after we were married.

I believe communication is the key to a sucessful marriage. From day 1, I have opened up my heart and have been honest with what I thinking and how I am feeling. I have also, told her the things I like and dislike. Most importantly, I have asked her to open up to me and let me know what she likes and dislikes....what thinkgs could I do to make her happy. Well not much change has taken place. We are headed for counseling.

Answer 1

Listen, you need to discuss this situation with your wife. Some people are incaple of real love, of real intimency of a real deep emotional bond with anyone. Is she close with her mother? Does she do other really selfish things like spend money she shouldn't spend, or not wish to spend time with you but want to know where you are all the time? Does she have problems with the chidlren, in really bonding with them?

My fiance was married to his first wife for twenty one years. He knew he had made a horrible mistake about a year into their marriage and was about to ask for a divorce when she announced she was pregnant. He knew then he was in for a long and lonely road ahead, as he was not about to leave his child with a woman who was incapable of real love. He was not about to have two monthly weekend visits with his children and not have a more solid impact on their lives wihile growing up. I admire him for his courage and committment to his childrens best interests. He continued to try in this relationship until he got tired of her refusing sex and of asking him to not put his arm around him while they where sleepins as "its too heavy". This man is five foot six and weights about a hundred fourty five pounds, just how heavy could his arm be? Not much let me tell you!

If you have children with her you need to consider thier best interests. If you are able to coexist without daily or weekly verbal assaults against each other you need to be with your kids. You choose this woman and had time to make the decision to marry her or not. I feel for your situation, I really do, but you have to admitt kids needs have to come first.

So many people are becoming increasingly selfish in soceities. They say "if you are not happy you need to leave". But they are not taking into account the children wellbeing. To excuse this they are now stating "if you are not happy how can you be a good parent for your children?" Well, by not engaging the other in fighting and sleeping in the bed you made for yourself. Children deserve both parents if possible. Just because a person discovers they rushed into a relationship and made a mistake is not an excuse for running out on your children. So, if you have kids you really need to be an adult and do what is right for all of you not just yourself. Life is not just about our own selfish needs. Our actions have consequences for ohters too. Children are innocent and did not ask to be born into a situation where two adults made the wrong choices. They deserve their parents to be civil to each other and provide as loving an envoroment for their children as possible. It is OK to get a divorce when the kids are grown, but if at all possible you need to put your needs second to your childrens needs. All this crap about putting self before all else is purely crapola and is nothing put selfishness in extreame. All the excuses in the world does not make it any less selfish. We are a society which is throwing our morals and our responsibilities out the window whenever they do not suit us any longer. Well, be a man and do what is right. Talk with your wife and let her know how unhappy you are and why. You were able to be very clear here why you are so unhappy and why you are becoming bitter. So, do so with her. If she won't change or meet you half way go to a counseler. If she won't then go yourself to get the emotional support you will need for the years to come. If she just won't change and you have years before the kids are grown, find activities which will give you satisfaction and companionship. I do NOT mean cheat. That would be a horrible example for your children. You are just going to have to accept your loneliness untill your childrne are grown and you can safely divorce her.

Even though my fiance spoke with his first wife on numerous occassions she refused to change or make any efforts in their marriage. He would have continued to be with her if she had just tried. He is a good, responsible and honorable man who was badly hurt by this woman. I am sorry he was so deeply wounded, but I am not sorry I am with him now. I will love him as she never did and he will never feel rejected by me. No way, no how.

If you do not have any children I suggest you discuss your feelings with your wife. If she does not have much of a reaction or refuses to try to make changes then I suggest you get counseling. If she refuses couseling then get a divorce. Without children you can swipe your forhead with releaf and get out before you do make babies with her. Also, if you have children and must wait for them to grow up before moving on by all means DO NOT HAVE MORE CHILDREN WITH HER!!! This will only prolong your sentence. You have to stay until the youngest is at least seventeen years old.

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with you. It could be that you have a stronger sex drive than she does. It is normal. Is it possible that she is always tired? If so, why?
When you make love does she enjoy it? Maybe it hurts? Maybe she had a bad experience before she met you? These things can only be answered by asking her. Communication is very important. Have you tried out new ways to make love? Change it up once in a while. Different places, different positions etc.

Answer 3

First and foremost, Talk to her about the way you are feeling, maybe something has happened in her life before you that causes her to be this way, or maybe she is just afriad to initiate the lovemaking. When I was growing up as a child I never experienced hugging from my parents and they never said the words I love you to any of their children. This caused alot of problems in my marriage, when you dont know love you have to be taught love. I was lucky enough to talk to my parents while they were still alive. And was able to teach my parents to show love and speak it. Though they didnt realize the impact it had on us growing up. It sure changed alot in my life. But believe it or not some people just dont know how to initate lovemaking, they feel there is something missing that gets them to that point. Maybe you shold seek the help of a marriage counselor. Good Luck

Answer 4

There is obviously something wrong with your relationship. If she loves you, she should show you, both emotionally and physically.
You should talk to her, and tell her how you feel. Some problems cannot be solved without communication, which is the alpha and omega in a relationship or marriage. Maybe she is insecure about how to initiate, and afraid to fail. Whatever it is, talk to her.
John

Answer 5

You should talk to your wife. It may not be that she is not emotionally connected to you, it may be something else. I rarely initiate sex with the man that I love because sometimes I am afraid of rejection. Also, I believe that the man should initiate the sex. It could be the same with your wife. Sometimes past experiences can shape how we treat the one we love or even how we love. Communication is the key.

Answer 6

SEEK COUNSELING - marriage counseling for both of you and maybe some individual counseling/

She might have a past hurt she has never dealt with and has pushed in back in her mind, and maybe she doens't realize this. She could have been abused or molested as a young child. She might not even remember!

But you both need counseling, maybe she has no idea that is bothers you this much.

however, you shoudl NOT feel bad about the desire to be intimate with you WIFE, it is a part of the marriage vow, too!

Answer 7

You should be telling this to her. That is the first step. Do not imply that either of you have done something wrong. Just tell her how you feel, then ask her how she feels. You loved her enough to get married, now love her enough to work this out. Remember, there is never a quick fix.Everything worth having takes time.
Good luck,
Lee

Answer 8

My first thought is has this been always this way.? Was she any different at any time before &/or after marriage?
My 2nd thought is to discuss this with her.
Depending on the above answers, perhaps you both may wish to the consult with a professional to sort out your differences.
If nothing else, perhaps you'll both better understand where you're both coming from and how to achieve your mutual goals of complete sexual happiness.

Answer 9

You are not wrong. but there must be a reason. maybe unfortunately she doesn't love you. it's the "ego" love vs true unconditional love which you are seeking. do some research on the following:
true unconditional love
ego vs real love
when it's time to move on
you probaly have to get a divorce. no sense of hanging on to a relationship if she isn't into. there is no law stating that you must stay with someone who doesn't love you until death do u apart. THAT IS SICK AND INSANCE AND INHUMAN! Find someone who really loves you and show you the affection YOU DESERVE! REALLY (SMILE)

Answer 10

some people are really not that sexual, some poeple were rasied in an house hold where the parents don't say or show as much that they love there children.everyone know there is love but it is not that much affection in the house.

she could also, be one of those poeple that does not like to kiss like that. for instance I like to kiss but the person has to know how and not slob my lips up and have a pace and a rythem to it and have soft lips. If not I can't do it but I am not much of a kisser outside of sex.

or

she could have gone threw something that made not be so interested in sex. she could be shy. the bottom line is you need to talk to her.

Answer 11

You shouldn't feel bitter.But you should talk to her. Ask her why and maybe her answer will ease your mind and the pain you feel. I used to be the aggressor in past relationships but now my man won't let me he always turns me down. It's only when he wants and that's that. If I would ever be in another relationship I would feel afraid to be the initiator because of the way my man now has treated me. So talk to her and find out her feelings and tell her yours it can only help your relationship.