Confused and Guilt ridden mother!!!!!!?

Question

I have a 6 y/o son who lives with his father in MD. I have not been the best mother over the pass 2 y/o due to my drug addicition. I have cleaned up my act, went to rehab and now live in PA with my parents. My ex refuses to let my son come here and I do not want to go there( control issues) I am torn b/c of my past with my son and my ex( our marriage ended b/c of me and my addiction. I feel like I do not have a fight in me to go to court and all that stuff I am frighten and feel so gulity about tha past. I know he is happy and being well taken care off. I feel that maybe he is better off w/o me I have done so much damage to him I feel I should just let him go.

Answer 1

Your son is NOT better off without you. You must have great strength to get through rehab and be staying clean. Keep getting your life in order, I assume you have a job, make some good friends. One day soon that will all come in handy. Would your ex allow you to write to your son? Send the mail to the ex so he can read it and see that your intentions are good. Be careful what you say to your son in letters...he's only 6 and can only handle so much. Just knowing that you are writing him (and are thinking of him) should help your son. If you don't contact him somehow he may think that you don't care anymore. And that's not the way it is. You may have to go back to court to get some visitation established, and then who knows how far it can go for you? I'll be thinking of you and your son...good luck!!! (And don't forget to forgive yourself. What's past is past...let it stay there. Keep moving forward!)

Answer 2

Your son will always need you because he is from you. He may need you more later than now and may not realize now he needs you at all, but he does. Most of all, he needs you to set a good example of how to live a happy life as an independant adult. He needs to know that he can grow up to do whatever you do. He can see as a child what he cannot even understand if it were told to him.

As far as your guilt goes, it serves a purpose. It serves the purpose of bringing about positive change in your life. Use it for that and for that only. Don't use it to make yourself a martyr in your own mind. You won't need to because others are much slower than you to get past it. But they will if you do first.

As you know, court can be very painful. I would recommend that you use it sparingly as it can hurt your son emotionally as well as yourself if the ex is uncooperative. A hard lesson that I've been learning is that court is no substitute for good relationships with your family members, even your ex.

Communication with your son is important, especially if you do not see him much. He will need to understand you as one adult to another one day and the more communication you have with him now the easier it will be for him later. Send notes. Send gifts. It does not really matter what these are as long as they are personal. A small trinket with a note saying that you thought he might like it will mean more than a big but impersonal gift with a preprinted card.

I hope you can understand why the father would not want you to take your son out of state and can figure out a way to visit him within the restrictions. You might have to humble yourself beyond fairness to accomplish what is good.

And by the way, no human being has ever learned to forgive and truly love others until he or she has learned to forgive and love themself. Learn how to do this and then you can teach it to your son. He will need to know it some day.

Good luck!
WK

Answer 3

You do not say why you want to see your son, nor do you say what you think you can offer him were you to see him.

Seems to me letting go, at least at this time, is a better way of showing your son love than to enter his life in the hopes of finding forgiveness (which would benefit you far more than he).

Eliminate all selfish reasons for seeing your son and see what's left. If that which is left does him no harm and indeed helps him grow to be a better person, write a letter to your ex explaining your reasons for wanting to see your son and suggest sending letters to your son through your ex (so that he can determine whether the letters are truly helpful to your son and not an effort to help yourself). If that works well then perhaps you and your ex can work out arrangements for you to see them.

If not, accept that your past deeds have hurt them too deeply for you to regain a place in his life.

Perhaps, when your son is an adult, he'll come looking for you. Do your best to make something of yourself that will give your son a reason to love and trust you again. Consider volunteer work with parents on the edge of losing their children. Your experience may be enough to benefit them and will help you to find a sense of self-esteem.

Good luck.

Answer 4

Of course you feel guilty you're thinking rationally now. That's what Mom's do. But if you have cleaned up your act, you need to do whatever is possible to be in contact with your son.
Good for you for going through rehab! A lot of people won't even do that.
I don't know what state you live in, laws vary. But it may be possible that you may send for your son ( pay for a plane ticket ), or maybe you can go there and rent a hotel room for a weekend.But unless there is a court order stating so, your ex husband cannot keep you from seeing your son.
I'm going to be brutally honest with you. It may take years before you get over the guilt of what you have done. But just keep in mind, we all make mistakes. None of us are perfect, as much as we would like to think, and you WILL eventually feel better about everything.
You have to muster up the "fight in you" to go to court, if you and your ex can't work out some kind of arrangement. Your son needs to know that you still love him, and that you ARE willing to fight for him.( Maybe not right now, but when he gets older )
You said that you know he is happy and being well taken care of.That in itself should be some sort of relief to you. But please let go of the feeling that you have done so much damage to him, and feel that you should let him go. The damage you did was mainly to yourself. The sooner you can forgive yourself for everything, the sooner you can start rebuilding a life with your son again.
I'm saying this assuming that you are referring to neglect of your son, and not physical harm. Children that age are more forgiving than you realize.
If you honestly feel that he would be better off with you, you HAVE to stand up and fight for him.
You sound very confused right now. Hopefully you are seeing a doctor for depression.
Good luck with everything. Be brave, and do what you KNOW you have to do.
PS. Quit being so hard on yourself. Like I said, people make mistakes. At least you realized yours before it was too late.

Answer 5

You sound pathetic and like you feel sorry for yourself. You don't want to go to your son because of control issues, so it sounds as if it's all about you just like it was when you were smoking crack or shooting herior or whatever it was you did. You sound lazy and like you don't want to put up a fight for your son, you don't have that mother lion instinct. A good mother will do anything for her children, travel miles, go through hardships, go without so her children don't have to. I have 2 daughters and they are my life and I would do anything in my power if they so needed me to. I have never had a substance abuse problem so I shouldn't speak on that. But you sound as if you have answered your own question you don't want to deal with the boy. I hope he is loved by his father and that family because he may have woman issues later in life thanke to dear old selfish mom that won't go out of her way to see him because she doesn't want to be controlled by the people that are caring for him. Those people know your past and don't trust you so they have every right to protect your son and have the visit be in a controlled enveronment. Stop being lazy and selfish it's part of recovery!!!!

Answer 6

your a mom sons need there mom as much if not more than a dad. go to counsiling get some help with the guilt. but dont give up .if u give up on you youll be giving up on son. gain the strenth to go and confront ex let him know your getting better and want to be a part of your sons life dont let him have the control .your son is only 6 if he understands he loves u enough to forgive u if u can forgive u . hope this was some help good luck and dont give up

Answer 7

What you need to do is gain the trust back slowly. Since you feel you have caused this and now you want to make it right you may have to put up with some things you don't like such as go to your ex's place to visit until they see your change. Imagine what they have been through and how tough it has been for them, now its your turn to suck it up and go and visit him) your son needs his mother and if you have cleaned up your act for him then you need to be there for him. I am sure there are worse things then having to go there. Show them your change and you commitment to be apart of his life. The rest will fall into place.

Answer 8

I understand you may have had a somewhat less that perfect relationship with your son due to your addiction, but why wouldn't you want to fight for him? Have you seen or talked to him lately and if so, how does he feel about seeing you? As a mother myself, I would move heaven and earth to get another chance to be in my child's life. As far as you Ex not wanting him to come to you, I can understand that. You are going to have to prove to both of them that you are clean and things are different now. As far as the "control issue" of you not wanting to go there, whose control issue is it? Yours or his?

Answer 9

Wow, I applaud your courage, speaking so openly about your concerns, and addiction! Perhaps you could sit down with your family doctor and ask to be referred to a family counsellor in regards to your concerns. Good support always enhances and encourages strength, in times of despair. Explain your fears and anxieties, and their help will guide you working through them. You've come this far...now it's a healing process, don't rush it. Take a deep breath...and continue your courageous steps onto recovery. Time really is a great healer, but thankfully, we are not alone! You will discover more about yourself and your strength as you allow yourself to go through the process. You will have more information as you go along, enabling you to make your decision/s concerning your son and yourself with better clarity. Hope that helps...wishing you strength and courage, take care!

Answer 10

He is your son, just as much as he is your ex's. Don't give up. You have legal rights to see your son. Go to court, the judge will see you have cleaned up your act (BY THE WAY CONGRATULATIONS) and he will grant you your parental right. It's never too late mom. Good luck