Women: Would you date or ever consider marrying an recovering alcoholic?

Question

I''m a recovering alcoholic and and have no social life anymore. I don't think I will ever get over my ex-girlfriend unless I start dating someone else.

I've been going to meetings for 3 years but I have still yet to find a single close friend. Lots of people know my name, but I've never been invited to a party or asked out for coffee.

I've tried MATCH.COM and another site, but I always get the same answer, sometimes immediately. Either women:

1. Just don't want to date anyone that's a recovering addict/alcoholic.

2. Don't want to date anyone that doesn't drink.

I was just hoping someone could tell me why?

I'm 45, single, live alone and a pretty nice guy. Women in recovery generally don't date men in recovery. I don't think i'll ever find a wife.

It's been a few years now, and I find myself so lonely that I think of suicide alot.

My question is, since I can't seem to meet anyone by telling the truth, should I just lie about my alcoholism?

Answer 1

Don't give up hope, Pal! If that someone really take you, she will not mind your past...And PLEASE, don't lie...Good luck!

Answer 2

Perhaps this will help:

I don't drink much more than a thimble-full of alcohol a year. I almost always turn down a drink, preferring pop or tea or water.

When asked why (not very often), I explain that as a young adult I drank and found that I didn't like the affect it had on me (slurred speech, mostly).

Seems to me you can be honest enough about not drinking without revealing you're a recovering alcoholic. It is truthful to say you don't like the affect booze has on you, and so you avoid it.

The AA meetings won't become an issue until you're ready to settle down with someone who will know your finer qualities. If you reach that point, and still need AA to stay sober, that would be the time to explain why you avoid booze.

While it is commendable to be up front right away, keep in mind that's -all- they know about you. You need the opportunity to let them see how well you do without booze and how well you avoid the stuff before mentioning the past. By holding off on this information, you give them a chance to get a more balanced view of who you are.

Hope that helps.

Answer 3

I am in recovery now I have been clean for about 9 months now and I know where you are coming from. It is so hard now a days I was married and lost my husband due to my addiction. Do not give up hope you will find someone. I am a 31 y/o and I am in the same boat as you. First it like where do you meet people at? I do not go the the bars or club scene anymore and most of my friends are married. But when you are not looking you will find. And you need to be up front about being in recovery , this is for life and when you do meet her she will need to know.

Answer 4

Maybe you shouldn't focus so much on being a recovering alcoholic as you should be focusing on living life as someone who doesn't drink alcohol.

If you only work on your own recovery by going to AA, you will only meet other recovering alcoholics. Try getting involved in other areas in the community. It would give you an opportunity to help others who may be in need of a friend.

Personally, I prefer not to drink and wouldn't have any problem dating a recovering alcoholic. It shows that the person is willing to grow and become a better person, they are not afraid to admit their weaknesses and they know that it's something that must be lived day by day. It takes great strength and depth in a person to accomplish this.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Dont lie about it because that will just make things worse but dont tell them the first second you meet them.

You sound like a genuinly nice bloke and (im not single and im only 18 so sorry, else i would have been tempted!) so just keep trying the dating websites or possible speed dating and just try to get to know a woman as a friend first once she gets to know you it could lead to romance or maybe more.

You seem like you are intelligent and if you dont drink no more so i cant see that there should be a problem.

Good luck, hope you find someone special!

Answer 6

Try getting in to something that doesn't involve drinking. Join a book club, cooking class, photography or go to the gym to work out. If you find something that you're interested in you'll probably find someone else who is interested in the same thing.

I don't see any reason that someone wouldn't give you a chance, even if you are a recovering alcoholic. The key word there is recovering not alcoholic. Stay strong with yourself and you'll find someone who will want to be with you just because you are you. Remember that everyone has faults and it's what you do with them that matters.

Answer 7

Personal experience: I went out with an alcoholic once, it was the worst experience of my life, he would get drunk and than want to sit around all day and almost killed me driving drunk one year.
I told myself right then and there that I would never date another alcoholic again. Than of course I gave another alcoholic guy a chance and he states he's been clean for almost a year, attending meetings, the whole she-bang. And while he came striaght out with his alcoholism, I am just finding out he lied about something else that is a very big deal and it leads me to wonder what else he's lied about. So I tried, and never again. I'm writing off every single alcoholic man off as liars and cheats and pieces of sh*t.
So, you ask if you should just lie about your alcoholism? That would just be the alcoholic thing to do, so have a ball. But don't expect any lasting relationship to come out of it because the woman will find out. OR worse, if you get serious with them and have a problem, you won't be able to turn to her for support.

Answer 8

U KNOW, IF YOU REALLY REALLY NEED SOMEONE, I THINK U COULD HIDE THE TRUTH FOR A WHILE. BUT I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO FIND COMPANY. JUST CHILL, DO THINGS THAT U ENJOY AND FORGET ALL THIS DATING ISSUE. AND THEN U WILL SEE THAT YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE WHEN YOU DON'T EXPECT IT AT ALL! I KNOW (BELIEVE ME) HOW LONELY U COULD FEEL AFTER A RECOVERY LIKE THAT. I HAVE RECOVERED A FEW YEARS AGO BY A HARDER ADDICTION THAN ALCOHOL. SO IF U THINK THAT YOU ARE SO DEPRESSED THAT U CAN'T HANDLE IT ANY MORE, AND U NEED SOMEONE REALLY FAST AND U THINK U COULD HIDE IT JUST DO IT! DON'T EVEN THINK THE SUICIDAL TENDENCIES OF YOURS! IF YOU CANT MAKE IT, TRY ANTI DEPRESSINGS! THEY HELP

Answer 9

I completely agree with the first answer. Don't give up, my husband had a drinking problem when we first met, but with some time & understanding, he conquered his problem & has been sober for 2 years. You'll find someone who understands & won't care about the past, they will love you for you & support you the way you deserve to be supported. A lot of women are told that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, so they don't want to be in that situation. Don't give up, that woman is out there & for those who choose not to date you or talk to you b/c of your past, don't deserve your time.

Answer 10

I think it's nice that you have been forward and honest about your situation. The problem here lies not in you but women having a negative stereotyped view in their heads. I shouldn't really encourage you to lie here, but perhaps it will be better to inform them about what you're going through until you've reached a level of intimacy where she has gotten to know you for who you are rather than to have to make a judgement upon fragmented pieces of facts. I'm sure there's a special lady out there for you. Please don't give up on life, drop me an email if you feel lonely and I'll see what I can do to cheer you up. No one should have to deal with this kind of thing alone.

Answer 11

It would depend on the length of recovery, but would i use that as an excuse for NOT dating a recovering alcoholic i don't think so and again it would depend on circumstances and history of violence. if there was any.

Good luck in your recovery and think about joining groups not nessasarly singles groups but think about volunteering or a hobby club, Neighboorhood functions, coaching stuff like that!! partys are only a small part of socialising.