at what point do you give up?

Question

in reference to my other two questions, my wife picks fights over little things, accuses me of flirting or having affairs with women at work and roots through my papers (although I have a tendency to pick up magazines and papers at her work when I'm there, not to snoop, just out of boreodom)

we have children, she owns the house and two businesses, but does not have a steady income right now.

i've honestly thought about just leaving and saying, here, take the truck, the house and the kids. I'll buy a new car, buy new clothes, rent or build a new house and still have money to save each week.

However, i don't want a divorce but I heard Joel Osteen say the other day the only person in life you need to please is yourself.
He said your spouse is responsible for making himself/herself happy and all you have to do is worry about yourself and your relationship with God.

I felt like that was a release when I heard that to just GET THE HELL out. But I love my wife and my children..?

Answer 1

i have read all you letters and i can tell you that the reason for her jelousy and suspicion is that she is scared of losing you. she is sufferring from inferiority complex and fears that she might lose you to another woman. take her to your work oneday and introduce to other co workers. then she will see how foolish she has been. also she is angry because of missing your anniversary. she wants you too much. my advice is to get a mobile, so you can call from work,#2)take her to your office and office parties.she can make friends with your collegues.#3)be more romantic to her. spend some time with her and assure her that she is the only one for you. dont quit just now. your wife just needs more love and some quality time.also when was the last time you had s*x with her?maybe you are staying away in the bed and that makes her suspicious.

Answer 2

Well...let's get the obvious out of the way. The breaking point varies from couple to couple. In your case, I would say that based upon the information you've provided here, your situation is not at what I would consider a breaking point.

I have to disagree with Joel Osteen. Your goal in life is NOT just about pleasing yourself. You are just as much responsible for your spouse's pleasure as she is for yours. A relationship is not a one-way street, and should never be considered as such. The whole purpose of marriage is to build a life together with someone you love (if you're not the "soulmate" type of person). If you were only concerned about your own pleasure, you would not have gotten married in the first place.

You also have your children to think about. I'm not suggesting you stay married just for your kids, as studies have shown this to be detrimental to their development and future relationship skills. However, you do owe it not only to yourself, but to your children as well to explore the vast array of opportunities available to you.

There is financial counseling (if finance is the main underlying issue). There is also couples counseling, anger management (if you or your wife have truly agressive tendancies).

However, the biggest thing you can do is to TALK TO YOUR WIFE. Communication is both the saviour and the downfall of marriage in many cases. The saviour, because communicating with your spouse can clear up many, many misconceptions that often result in arguments. The downfall, because failing to communicate with your spouse results in anger, pent up frustration, incorrect conclusions....you name it.

You've at least identified this much:

You don't want a divorce.
You love your wife.
You love your children.
You are frustrated to the point of leaving...but don't know if you really are capable.

I say try discussing this with your wife. You may need outside assistance, and this is nothing to be ashamed of. You've identified the problems (from your perspective)...now it's time to understand your wife's point of view and find solutions together.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I disagree with Joel Osteen. In order to have a happy and healthy relationship you both have to make eachother happy not just yourself. It sounds like your wife has a very low self-esteem problem
and I think that the only way that you two are going to make it is that you go through counseling and talk to a pro about the issuses in your relationship. Just don't leave your wife yet there are options for the both of you. Good Luck!!!

Answer 4

If you love her, then you should be able to work through this with her.
There comes a point and time in ones life when they are in a troubled relationship they want to throw in the towel and walk away.
But I don't think your there yet.
When you are truly done with your marriage and feel there is no solving the issues at hand, you will know and walk away and not look back.
I totally respect the no trust and that is the most important aspect of any relationship. Without trust you have very little to go on.
I also agree with if your not happy no one around is going to be happy.
You have to make yourself happy first before you can then share it with others.
Best of luck to you :)

Answer 5

I suggest you try counseling. If she won't go with you then go on your own. I am sure that there are two sides to this story. We tend to see everyone else's faults and refuse to admit to ours. I am sure Joel Osteen did not mean for you to just pick up and leave to make yourself happy. I am sure that you wouldn't be happy if you did, as you say you love your wife and children. What he probably meant was that you cannot depend on others to make you happy, that has to come from within. You need to change your attitude and the way you handle yourself if you are not happy. Yes, you are responsible for your happiness, but it's not to say that you stomp on everyone else to find it. Get the counseling, if your wife is willing go together. Work on this.

Good luck & God bless.

Answer 6

Well in theory the part about your spouse needing to make herself happy is correct.... but.... life and relationships are not theory, they are hard work and then more hard work to get through the tough times. If this theory were correct then you could do what you want when you want and it would have no bearing on your children's happiness. now you know that is not right.

If you want your relationship to work you should try couples therapy. Bring out what is making her feel like you are cheating and why she is picking fights.(maybe its because her businesses are not going well) that can make a person crazy.

If she refuses to go or to get help in your relationship, then maybe you should separate.

Answer 7

As long as you stil love her there is hope, get help, don't know if counseling really does much, but you have to do something to impress upon her how deeply your being hurt by all this. All I can say is that I was like a drug addict hitting rock bottom, all of a sudden all the fears that kept me there did not out weigh the fear of staying and being unhappy for the rest of my life.

Answer 8

Apparently you still love your wife and want to maintain your family. Just develop a thicker skin and accept your wife as you know she is. Some women like to try to find her husband in an affair. Perhaps, it would maked her happy to find one and know you are attractive to other women, but she has you.

Answer 9

If you are innocent of all charges, you should tell her so. Treat her just like you would any one else. When you are innocent,defend yourself. I was married 23 years and put up with too much too long.Life is too short to worry day and night about things you have no control over.......TALK TO YOUR WIFE.

Answer 10

i suggest you guys get counceling.There is some insecurity and trust issues. Yes you do need to please your self but i dont think its true that you need to make you happy and she make herself happy.You are each others spouces and both of you need to HELP make the other happy.If all you do is worry about yourself then why did you get married in the first place.I understand that you are at your breaking point but a marriage takes alot of work and you BOTH need to work at it to make t last.