wife and boundaries?

Question

my wife and i have been married 11 years. i have a new job and she seems very jeaoulous that i work around mostly women. i have to interact with them, meet with them and attend events with them. she has accused me of having an afair, which is totally ridiculous and has instructed one of our children to read my emails at work and look through my desk. last night, i went outside and she had taken some trash to my truck. she saw a paper from work on my dash, and a piece of note paper with a note written on it, and she was standing there reading it. i asked her if she needed something and she becamse defensive and said she was just looking. i can't stand people touching my stuff, even if it's something that belongs to the both of us, and she knows this. i feel like she's looking for something to catch me at. she has driven my truck before and all of my papers have been scattered about as if she's looking for something.

What can I do? What can i say? What should I do?

someone questioned my loyalty...i have never, never never never kissed, touched or placed any body part in a sexual nature, near a woman. i love my wife and as far as the comment about keeping her happy, we do make love several times a week, but keeping her happy is an ever exhausting job as it's more of a mental thing and not so much physical.

Answer 1

If you are in fact being faithful to her, then the problem is hers. She needs to grow up and start acting like an adult in a real life marriage, which includes trust.
If you have cheated on her before, she may never trust you again, and that is the consequence of cheating.

Answer 2

when you get married as you stated it is no longer your it's ours, so what if she ruffled some papers, You are obviously displaying signs of untrust. And until she feels otherwise deal with it. You should be honored that you wife is concerned. most women would not casre and they would seek revenge by hurting you in the mannner you hurt them. Yes a life long job on top of the one that uncle sam pays you. Only this one do you get paid in another form. You need to reassure her on a daily basis that it is all about you and her. Try little things, a smooch, a5min long hug, a pat on her rearend you know be creative. Make it all about her. Then ask yourself Self? Is she worth the extra-effort?
If you say Hell to the Yeah then you should run and kiss her with passion like never before. Bring her home some flowers after work tomorrow not some roses they are played, a nice arrangement of assorted flowers,like lillies or orchids what a beauty. Roses are so plain. Followed with a card or hand written note from you about how beautiful she is and how proud you are yo have her as your wife. Bam The panties are falling now. have a good night.

Answer 3

Do absolutely nothing except enjoy the attention you are getting for free! Many men wish their wives were a little more protective of them. Your wife feels you are a 'good catch' so let her protect you.
Just don't do things to make it worse- don't hide anything from her and don't be angry when she asks you ridiculous questions- just laugh and brush them off. If you are truely not doing anything behind her back, you have nothing to fear.
It's a phase, and the more open & sharing you are with her, the better it will be. Call her unexpectedly from work, in front of all your colleagues and tell her how much you want to be with her, send her flowers while you're at work, and answer all your calls in front of her- show her you are not hiding anything from her.
And most importantly, make love to her as often as you can- if you are using all your energy on her she cannot think you'd be having an affair!
Also, try involving her in your work- she could organise the next day's schedule, or type up some of your emails.

Now, with your obsession with "your stuff", get over it! I bet she washes your underwear and irons your shirts- if you don't like her "touching" your stuff, you might have to do everything yourself. People who are so possessive of their possessions are usually the ones that are hiding something- hmmm.

In regards to using your children for her misguided ideas, I recommend you wait a week after you've done some of these suggestions and see how they react, if they persist in doing your wife's dirty work, you may have to seriously confront her about this. "How can she use her child's inocence to appease her rotten mind" is what the argument should focus on. Explain to her that you understand her insecurity, reassure her she has nothing to fear, and tell her that if she abuses your child's trust again you will have no option but to refer her to a pyschiatric professional (this should not be a threat- it is a serious problem how adults manipulate children into doing outragious deeds that seriously affect that child's perspective on love and marriage- she may need help if none of the above works). Also try talking to your child alone: tell him/her that his/her mother is just going through a stage and that you don't mind what they are doing because you love your wife very much. This chat will cause your child to not do your wife's dirty work anymore (hopefully).

The more you speak to your wife on the phone in front of your workmates (however 'embarrassing' it may seem) achieves two things:
A) It shows your wife that you love her more than whatever any of the women you work with think, and that you love her much more than "just a job".
B) It 'tells' your workmates you are off-limits, even though some might think you are the 'perfect man' by doing this, thus causing them to think more highly of you. Then of course you must be careful to not get tempted by any of your workmates.
Like everything in life; when you solve one problem, another arises.
Just think like this: if your wife cannot cope with your attitude towards her feelings, you might just be left single and alone, without your children. Tread very carefully.
Good Luck and please inform me of your progress.

Answer 4

First of all, you'll need to reassure her. For some reason she feels very insecure. Women get like that when they are not being tended to at home. She needs attention and once you begin showing more attn she'll give you some leeway. That's not to say, it's ok that she's ravaging thru your stuff. You do deserve some privacy. As does she.
But first I would sit her down and explain to her that you love her, and would never do anything to jepoardize that. Not only that follow thru with your actions. Show her you love her, so there's no question in her mind.. the jealousy will begin to lessen, and you will obtain a normal relationship again.

Answer 5

In that you, yourself, have done nothing to warrant this intrusion, better to have a talk to clear the air before this develops into full blown paranoia. Marriage is based on mutual respect and trust, and you and your wife had better reach an explicit agreement on this before it is too late. Every individual, married or single, deserves a certain amount of private time and space.
I know because my estranged wife started by going through my trash, files, intercepting mail, keeping track of office women and acquaintances, etc. Once trust breaks down in a marriage. it's difficult or impossible to salvage.
Have your heart to heart, If you feel you need intervention, obtain it to share feelings and thoughts before an objective ombudsman. The very best of luck to you.

Answer 6

she is looking for something - I don't know what brought about this distrust in her concerning you. Did you ever cheat on her?

You need to talk to about this and let her know how this makes you feel and to get the kids involved makes the children look at you as if something is going on this is a very serious problem PLEASE what ever you do - don't let this just go unaddressed Let your wife know this type of behavior is unacceptable and that she needs to get it together (in a nice way) get her to understand that your not or will ever cheat on her (I HOPE I'M CORRECT)

let her know this is your job and that you don't want her to feel like just because women are there means you have no self control. She is the lady of your life. and your not looking for anybody else.

Answer 7

It sounds to me like she is a very jealous person and is insecure of herself and her marriage to you. Maybe you need to spend more time with her. Tell her you love her more often. Just make her feel like she is the most important person in this world to you. Help her fall in love with you all over again and it should help out some. I know that if a woman doesn't feel like her man loves her enough, she starts thinking about her man being with other women. It will only get worse if you don't talk to her about it. Just explain to her that she is the only woman for you.

Answer 8

Please check out the marriage encounter on this web sight. There are several different ones to choose from. You don't have to be Catholic.
Family Life Office
http://www.diocesecc.org
click departments
click Family Life
view services-download PDF
a)rolling-12 month calendar
b)description and contact for each service

What a great way to use that vacation time you have saved up. Good luck!

Answer 9

I smell more problems here than simple answers can take care of. If you "can't stand to have anyone touching my stuff even if it's something that belongs to both of us" you've got big time problems. No, you've got BIG TIME problems. That means that she's got big time problems because these sorts of problems don't exist in a vacuum or by themselves. Counseling, counseling and more of it. You'll both have to be honest for it to help.

Answer 10

Wow, tough situation. Best of Luck to you.

Couples counseling is the best advice that I could give you. You need an outside source telling her that what she is doing is wrong, the more you tell her the more defensive she will get.

Again, good luck.