Ladies, how should I get my wife to talk about it?

Question

I love my wife. Before we got married, we were going steady for 5 years. A year before our wedding, she had an affair with a married man. I tried to get her back but she said were over. I moved to a different place and she followed me. I took her back, got married. Now, were happy and with kids. We never talked about it and I never opened the topic, even now. Sometimes I just wanna ask her. Should I forget about it or should I clear things up? How do I start?

Answer 1

I would have to say let well enough alone! If you are happy and married don't drag up the past even if it is killing you to find out why she done it. Obviously she doesn't want to talk about it and if you bring it up you may start a fight that you don't want. I would want to know if I were in your shoes but I would wait for the other person to start that conversation. Your wife may be ashamed of what she done and she wants to forget about it herself or maybe she thinks if she talks about it you might get mad at her all over again. Who knows? If everything is going great for you now and it sounds like it is since you did get married and have children I would just leave it alone until she wants to bring it up. You forgave her already don't put yourselves back in that terrible time in your lives just go on being happy!

Answer 2

Well, you say you're both happy now right? Let the past stay in the past. I know this is easier said than done but do your very best to just let it go. Bringing it up and trying to talk about it will only cause the two of you to drift apart. She'll probably get mad and defensive and then you'll get mad because she's being defensive and it will start a whole cycle. If you're both happy now and you have children just try like heck to let it go. If you just feel like you need to talk to somebody so you can feel better, talk to a friend or family member or even a therapist. That way, you can get your feelings out into the open and it won't destroy your marriage and your kids won't have to deal with divorce. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

What is it you want to ask her?? I think you're going to open up a Pandora's box. If something is so important that it's driving you crazy, and you just have to ask, then broach the topic gently and make sure the timing is right. But most likely, your wife was young at the time and made a big mistake that she regrets. Probably, the other guy hurt her because he was only using her--having his cake and eating it too. When she realized it, she went back to you because you're the one she loves. You should both be thankful that the whole thing turned out well and that you're happy, in love, and have a beautiful family. If I were you, I would focus on the present and the future, not on the past.

Answer 4

Ask yourself this one question. Why is it so important that I know this. You say you are happy together now. What would it prove to you to know about that affair.

When women are young they are easily attracted to guys that really know what they are doing. The attraction is just that.....a fascination with someone they have never experienced before.

Having been hurt like that I am very surprised you took her back. Your love for her made you overlook that time and you married. So why do you need to know? It's a bit like wanting to know what he had that you didn't and she can never ever really tell you.

Look at it this way. Who got the girl in the end. What is more important than that?

Reach over, give her a kiss and a hug and tell her you love her and forget this. Talking to her about this is a no win situation.
I know it will be difficult to forget for you but where you went wrong is when you first got back together, that is when this question should have been ask. Not now.

Answer 5

It's obviously a sore subject so
you must wait for the perfect timing.
Wait until she is not stressed or in a bad mood.
She should be open and in the mood to connect with you.
(women love to do this because we feel closer with our man.)
Make sure the two of you are alone together,
perhaps after the kids have gone to sleep.
Wrap your arms around her so
she feels secure in you and your love.
Open the subject by saying that you love her
and are happy with your relationship.
Say that you're so grateful you gave your relationship
a second chance because she means everything to you.
Tell her that you have forgiven her
for what happened in the past,
but that you just had a couple of questions.
You do deserve to know,
but make sure it's something that really matters to you
because you don't want to rock the boat
for something that's probably better left forgotten.
(Only you can make that judgement.)
You could even tell her that you've been
putting off the pressing questions in your mind
because you don't want to rock the boat,
but that you would feel alot better if some questions were answered.
Stress the fact that you know the past is the past
and that you've already forgiven her,
so she has nothing to worry about.
Being truthful to her will make her
more willing to open up to you.
Good luck! :)

Answer 6

Well to begin I'm 36 yrs old and 4years ago I had the same exact problem you did .except it was a guy not a girl.My husband after being married 15 months he not only had affair with this woman .She moved in.Lucky I was out of town. By the time I got back home in october 2003 she was out of the picture. But I returned home willing to give my husband another chance. He didn't want to discusse it either. However if you decide to continue the relationship with your wife. Yall need to discusse it. Because if not ,later in the relationship this will do nothing but put more of a strain on yall's relationship. Because it will only give you something to throw in her face later if she does something to hurt you. It has been from my experince that a person who usually doesn't talk about usually means they either fell in love with this person or still communicates and continues to have feelings for this person. However ask yourself. Because I was willing to give my husband a second chance. But I didn't really think about every questions that were going to be in the back of my mind everytime he left the house. Like example: Is he really going to the store or when I leave home Who will he be calling? Be honest with yourself can you continue to give her chances knowing you will have to always question everywhere she goes,. However there is one point .When we say are Wedding Vows. I belive it says . Till Death Do You Part. It's Not easy. Belive me I'm living proof.

Answer 7

When you took her back, you took everything that had happened and forgave it. You have to question your motives. Why do you want to bring it up? Do you want to use it later...."you cheated and I took you back and now you should be grateful". Wrong answer.

When you love someone you love the good with the bad...you accepted all when you accepted her back into your life. Leave it alone. If you can't forget it then you should seek counseling and find out what it is you want from her....sounds like want some kind of "Acknowledgment for Forgiving her". You got it- A happy home life.

Is bringing it up worth risking that?

Answer 8

I know you may not want to hear this, but it's wisest to just let it go.

Despite her faux pas`, your wife ultimately chose you. It's you she really loves, it's you she married, and it was you that she chose to have children with.

It's my guess that she knows what a big mistake she made by leaving you in the first place, and no doubt she still deeply regrets it. She may also feel very grateful that you were enough of a gentleman to forgive her and take her back....
no questions asked.

No doubt she feels very lucky to have a great guy like you.

Don't upset the apple cart when nothing good can be gained from doing so.

PS - Ignore the derogatory and degrading comments from negative people who are obviously very unhappy with whatever they have that passes for a life.

Answer 9

You should have talked about it when it happened. Obviously, she thinks she can do it again since you took her back after she followed you where ever you went. I am not saying that she cheated but you need to take her aside with just you and her, NO KIDS WITH YOU DURING THAT DISCUSSION. Just ask her why she did it and tell her how it made you feel. You should drop the kids off at your family's house just in case you two get into an arguement. If it were me I would not have taken her back.

Answer 10

If you want to have stress and anxiety in your household, go ahead and talk to her about something she did with a married a year before you married her; a mistake. I think now is the time to forgive and forget, my friend. If she ever brings it up, then listen, but I'm sure you don't want to know that badly as to hurt her feelings and trust in you. Move past the past and you'll be alot happier.