why do i get sucked into staying with my verbally abusive husband?

Question

My husband can be sweet and one of the nicest people in the world. However ,he is extremly anxious and flys into a rage quickly and unexplainably. During his nice periods,everything seems fine on the outside. but, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why do I always excuse his behavior and just put up with it?

Answer 1

because you have settled and think you do not deserve better , you have a low self esteem and are afraid to start all over, you have grown comfortable i nthe relationship and have for the most part accepted it as is. i know there were early sign before you even got married but you choose to overlook them and ignore them, like you say.. thinking it would go away ( it doesn't ), so you cannot cry sour grapes at this point. you need to muster courage ( what little you have left ) and leave, and then file for divorce.

Answer 2

The reason why you always find excuses for his behavior is because you are so blinded whith your love for him. I understand that, I know how you feel. I think what you should do is tell him whats wrong with him, i know its not easy bec he will start giving you hell for that but if you wont start telling him about that he might do it for the rest of your lives together and worst, he might have bad encounters with other people that neither of you want for him. Remember that even if he has problem with his temper it doesnt really mean that he is a bad person. There must be more good things to consider than that. As his wife, be there for him bec he needs you. There could be things in his past that made him like that. You can be an instrument to get over that.

Answer 3

Because you've been hurt and do not have the emotional resources to deal with the situation by yourself. Because you love him, are compassionate, and understand that his meanness is the result of a mental disorder. Or, perhaps you imagine that it could be a lot worse. But don't delude yourself; you don't get "sucked in." You are choosing to leave things the way they are. Get some help for yourself and your relationship. Your church should be able to provide some support. By the way, the behavior that you describe sounds like an anxiety disorder (as you seem to understand). Your husband will be a lot happier if he develops some constructive ways to manage his anxiety. I doubt that he wants to be the bane of your existence. The healing of your marriage does not need to be an adversarial process.

Answer 4

I can completely understand where your coming from. My father was like that and my mum took it for 21 long years and just had to give up, by that time she became a nervous wreck and lost all her self-esteem.

Now my boyfriend seems to be a little like that but he dosent abuse me, he gets abusive and gets angry very fast, which is really draining on me, i guess i didnt learn from my mum too well.

But anyways, i guess you would have told your husband how u feel about his behavoiour. I have put my foot down with my bf and gave him an ultimatum that if continues to be like this its over. If your husband continues to do so then tell him that you are not going to do things for him like cook for him and do his other stuff, because he is taking you for granted and not giving you the respect you need.

Give him a dose of his own medicine so he knows how demeaning it is. When he gets abusive, leave the room, let him calm down or if not tape his behaviour with out him knowing and play it to him when hes all nice and he will see what an ediot hes been.
Please dont put up with it, cause it will wreck your life.

Good luck!!!

Answer 5

Your willingness to stay in an abusive situation is indicative of the typical cycle of domestic violence. You both need to seek counseling but I am pretty sure he will think there is nothing wrong with the way he acts and you will be afraid to suggest HE go to talk to a counselor because he might retaliate in some form. Good luck and I hope you don't get hurt when the other shoe falls.

Answer 6

I used to have a boss who was horrid, but not so horrid that people left. They'd say to themselves "I won't let him win" and put up with him being horrid.
Basically people like this are a curse. You won't realise what a relief it is not to have them around until they aren't.
I suggest you right down a diary of some of the things he does. It will help you realise what a horrid controlling person he is, especially if later you start to say to yourself "It isn't that bad".
Remember this: Before you can fix something you must have an idea how it should work. Ask him how he thinks a marriage should work. I suspect family happiness isn't one of the qualities he strives for. If your afraid to talk to him then, like a lot of the others, I think you might be better leaving.

Answer 7

I'm very sorry, but you are probably doing this for 1 these reasons:

- you have low self-esteem and think that in some way you deserve this ( or that you don't deserve better, or it is your fault)
-you think that you may be better off iin this very bad relationship than you would be in another or no relationship
-in some way this is what love means to you, as if your parents or had a somewhat similar (controlling) relationship

Your husband is probably really good at pushing your emotional buttons that keep you in this uncertain and vulnerable emotional state.

i am really sorry. This is not a good way for you to live; it sounds like you can never really relax or feel safe.

Answer 8

I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE JUST LIKE YOU. SOME ARE BEING PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY,VERBALLY ABUSED. AND THEY ALL LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY? WHO KNOWS I SAY IT'S THE SEX.. BUT A LOT WILL DENY IT....... THEY STAY FOR.. , MONEY? SOME SAY YEAH.., HOUSE? ... YEAH... SHOPPING ?... YEAH?.... UHH KIDDS? SOME SAY KIDS... SO THEY CAN HIDE BEHIND THAT, FOR WHAT EVER REASONS. A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY KIDDS,.... BECAUSE THEY KNOW THINGS GET PAID AND SOMETHINGS GET DONE.. I 'VE TRIED TO COUNCIL THEM ,BUT THEY JUST AGREE WITH ME AND EVERYTHING I SAY, BUT THEY ALWAYS GO BACK.
WHY ? ONLY THEY CAN ANSWER THAT... SAME SENERIO WITH MEN THEYT JUST LOVE THE ABUSE . I HAVE 3 BROTHERS AGES 29 TO 38 . HMMM YOU WOULD THINK SEPERATION WOULD BE A SOLUTION,, BUT NO THEY JUST SAY MY KIDS..... SO WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT RENTIN AN APT. AND HAVIN THE KIDS AROUND OR HAVE THEM VISIT YOU ... COME ON PEOPLE THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN BEING IN A BUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!!!! I LOST MY HUSBAND TO A WOMEN W/ 5 KIDS AND HE JUST LOVES GETTIN HIS A$$ KICKED DAY IN AND DAY OUT.. I HAVE NEVER TREATED HIM LIKE THE BAD PESON I'VE LOVED HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND I GOT THE BAD END OF THE DEAL..... I WAS AT HOME COOKIN & CLEANIN , WORK, ROPIN AND RIDING , I OWNED A FEED STORE. AND I HAD EVERY THING .. MY DAD AND I OWNED THIS STORE WE EVEN CUT HIM IN ON THE STORE .. OOHHH WELL THAT'S WAS HIS CHOICE... I AM NOT MEAN AND UGLY OR A CONTROL FREAK BUT SHE IS... i WAS THERE FOR HIS EVERYDAY NEEDS BUT I GUESS I WENT ABOUT THE BOOK THE WRONG WAY.......STILL BYMYSELF FOR ALMOST 9 YRS NOW... SO THERE IS A TIME TO MOVE ON AND GET IT TOGETHER....... BUT I CHOOSE TO STAY STRONG FOR MY 2 KIDDS AND HELP THEM THROUGH LIFE AS AN INDEPENDENT MOTHER. YES I'M STILL SINGLE... SO SWEETIE ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION. WE CAN ONLY SUGGEST.

Answer 9

let me share my abusive boyfriend story,this guy was the nicest guy you could meet,when i first met him he was so sweet,but he was like your husband,he would fly into a rage for no reason,and when he would drink oh my god,he would treat me so bad,there were times i was locked out in the cold,held like a prisoner in my house,i could not see my family,my daughter was not with me anymore because of him,i was in HELL!!,i thought he would change but it got worse .i made the choice either i leave or he would end up killing me.please i don't know you but you need to get away from him i do wish you all the luck in the world

Answer 10

Honey, you need to get out, even though you say it's verbal, it will get worse. I just read a True Crime novel about an verbally abusive husband which made the children grow up to be the same and his daughter tortured and burned a young girl in highschool.. scary but REAL...

Answer 11

Some of the above plus the fact that abusive people know how to manipulate the feelings and dependencies of their spouse. Get some counseling, whether he goes or not, so you can find out why you are staying with him.
Eventually you will realize that, if he isn't going to change than you need to get away from him.
Good luck!