Should I stay or should I go?

Question

My wife and I were married three years ago because she was pregnant with my child. Her son, who is now 9, has been diagnosed with everything from ADD to ODD(oppositional defiance disorder) I have tried really hard to make things work between him and I, but his mom never backs me up when I discipline him. She says I am too harsh-I say he has alot of catching up to do. Basically, this leads to her and I disagreeing CONSTANTLY. I have stayed in this relationship for my daughter, who is the light of my life, but have fears about her living in a house where her dad is always "mad". My stepson has been gone for the summer and my wife and I have gotten along quite well, but whenever the subject of my stepson comes up, sparks fly. We have been to two marriage counselors,and my stepson sees a therapist regularly. I don't want to be upset my whole life, and I don't want my family to be hurt because of my upsetedness. Can my 2 year old daughter still love me if I am not there for her?

Answer 1

My advice to you, and I'm not being a witch.

Stop being selfish.

She's evidently having a very hard time, just imagine if it were reversed, and your daughter had all the issues. Would you want your wife being harsh on her?

If you truely loved your wife, you'd tough this out with her. As for you, at this moment, you deserve no sympathy. Stop acting as if you're the victim.

Answer 2

you and your wife really need to be on the same page about your stepson. Keep looking for counselors - not all of them are experts at blended family issues.

Trust me on this - your problem is with your WIFE and not your stepson. What does she do with her son that's different or when you are not home?

You can always "disengage" - which means that you will do NOTHING for your stepson and force your wife to do it ALL. If he's sitting in the TV room smashing cookies into the carpet... do nothing, except inform your wife, and force HER to deal with it. Disengaging is kind of a last resort thing, but if the 2 of you can't come to an agreemement about how to jointly parent your stepson, there's not much you can do. But you have to announce to both your wife and stepson that you are disengaging.

If you leave, you will be missing out on a lot of your daughter's growing up, and she will be at the mercy of her ODD brother.

you and your wife must sit down and come up with behavioral rules and appropriate discipline for your son (and daughter, who will be learning from him any second now). And you BOTH have to back each other up.

And as far as the drama goes, that's part and parcel with blended families. You shouldn't have made a baby with her if you couldn't handle the other kids. He will only get worse as he approaches adolescence. Maybe, if you are lucky, his biological father can take the boy, and have better luck with him. In another 7 years, it's likely he'll be out of the house, anyway. Try to stick it out for your daughter. Don't leave her trapped in a war zone without you.

Answer 3

no matter what you do your daughter will love you. the question is do you want to be an outsider of her growing up years. i suggest you try family counseling and set strong boundaries for your stepson. you need to talk to your wife before an issue arises and agree on punishmen. with most add and odd children the most effective form of discipline is taking things away. i know of a woman who has a 14 yr old and all he had in his bedroom for about 3 weeks was a bed nothing else nothing at all. that being said after you and the wife talk you need to explain consequences to your stepson so he will know what happens if he disobeys the rules. good luck hope this helps.

Answer 4

You must have something between you two, or the time you spent together while the stepson was gone wouldn't have been good. Ask yourself do you love her? Why? Do you love your stepson? Why? Now what are you willing to do to make it work? Maybe you need to look at the way you think of your stepson. Is he part of "your" family? Good luck and work at it like you have never worked at anything in your life. Sometimes you just have to honor your commitments.

Answer 5

It's a real hard situation. One thing I learned about relationships where you always disagree w/ your partner is that someone has to step down, somebody has to give in. As long as the other person understands the gravity of the situation. If she won't give in then perhaps you should.

As for your stepson, you should treat him as if he's your real son. forget the stepson thing. Call him son. Understand him and know what are his interrests. Then perhaps you can both go out sometime...treat him as your buddy too.

Answer 6

Yes you have a "young prince " problem. YOu are in a pckle. But you have to consider just what will your life be like if you leave and what will it be like if you stay. Your "young prince" will drain you money away in thearpy, lawyers (for jail) etc....he will act like a "psychic vampire" sucking out your life force and cash until you are just a shell of a man.

You're in a "catch 22" situation for sure. YOu should have looked at the "total entertainment package" before you married her. But like most women they don't let this little secret out until you're deep in love.

You need to get professional counseling and draft a plan WITH HER as to what will be the "get well" program for her son and her marriage to you. This is the time you get brutal. If she balks then you have to leave her (not you child). She has to know that the marriage is on the ropes.

Check out the following website. It can answer your questions better than I can. It wil also give you a "bird's eye" view of a guy's psyche.

http://www.condomsbrasandstraightjackets.com/

Get help

Answer 7

you shouldn't leave, sit down and talk to this kid
ask him the questions about why he chooses to behave this way and what he want from you,
the way that he behaves may have nothing to do with you at all, maybe his issues are with his mom and dad maybe he just wants to be heard and wants the attention that he did not get from his parents, you are a very important part of his life he will follow your example growing up more than you think because of the fact that he lives with you. try to compromise with him instead of fighting with him don't give in to him but sometimes it helps if you explain why he has to do what you ask him to do and please use the same rules with him that you use with your daughter (taking into consideration that she is 2) so that he doesn't think that you are playing favorites, being a parent is hard enough I have 6 children but trying to keep them on the same path is terrifying for both of you so meet him in the middle and let him know that you make mistakes too.

Answer 8

Step family's are difficult even under the best of circumstances.
You poked your fun, produce a child, got married.
Now you want out when whole family needs a loving husband and father?
Maybe this will give you something to think about.
"God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the thing I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."
From The Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr

Answer 9

If you feel the two of you will split I think it would be best that you have custody of your daughter.

If your stepson has these issues and they are being dealt with...and you really love your wife I'm sure you can work things out.

It's a shame to see your marriage break up because of this...good luck.

Answer 10

its like this if you do not do something to resolve this problem. your child will grow -up and think that this type of relationship is normal and that other type of behaviors (bad) are acceptable also. remember kids are like sponges they hear and see all. and for your wife she has to learn to discipline the children when its required. and as a mother of 2 boys with adhd. i know exactly how difficult it can be and also understand their therapist that you do not contribute to the behavior but correct it they need to learn and try to comprehend how to live in society and be productive not a burden and wasting tax dollars in jail.(0.0)