Sexual abuse...help?

Question

I was sexually abused years ago for 2 years when I was about 5. It had a massive effect on me, although it doesn't always show. People think that I am constantly upbeat and genuinely a happy person. I am the opposite underneath. I've spoken to mum about it several times and she says that I don't need to speak to him(abuser) or a dr about how I am feeling seeing as though I have gone this long without it affecting me...I feel like noone is listening to me when I say how serious this problem is. I want the help but I am scared of it going onto my medical record. I just want to get the whole thing out of my system and out of my head for good. I am sick of the nightmares and the paranoia. I havent had anyone to talk to this about. I wrote letters that were never sent to help me deal with this but its not enough. I need advice...please help me. I am sick of that pervert affecting my life after all these years. ( I am 19 now). Any suggestions will be a real help...

I do not want sympathy, I just want it out!! I am still ambitious, and I am on the right path for the career I want. I just don't want the nightmares, I don't want to go into town and think that I saw him and then have to keep double checking that its not him. If I wanted the sympathy I wouldve told many people. I've mentioned it on here for advice not sympathy. Also, Mick (abuser) did go to prison for 2 years, but I dont think that is good enough. He got to have his fun with me for 2 years, he probably got out earlier than 2 years anyway and I have to keep this with me forever no matter how I deal with it, whilst he gets the chance to do it again...

by the way the paedophile was my mother's boyfriend's brother. (would be uncle if you like)

Answer 1

Hi Laura. When I was a child of about 12, I was sexually abused by someone we knew. I was abused for about 3 or 4 years. I grew up telling no one about what had happened to me. Inside me I was a very very confused person.I went through high school,my teens and my twenties.My outlook towards life was that somehow everything was my fault. I did not have anger inside me or revenge or hatred. I was completely dead.to the outside world I was a very happy go lucky, cheerful and always jolly bloke. but inside me I really did not have any emotions.
My logic was completely twisted. I thought he did to me what he did because he loved me. That was my idea of love. ( I am not gay)Then came my thirties and I started to change inside. I started to look into spirituality,started to read about my religion and started to acknowledge that it was never my fault. I was not at fault about what happened to me.I then spoke to my girlfriend for the first time. I felt a sense of relief.then very slowly I started to let go of it by not thinking about what had happened to me.
I then started to speak about it to my brother and my sister.they wanted to kill the person who had abused me.
then I got married,had two children.But I never had any closure.
I am a decent person. I learnt about forgiveness and love and being a husband and father to my beautiful children
.For some years now I have let go of it.It does not haunt me or disturb me anymore. I can talk about it without feeling upset or angry.
Then a couple of years ago I decided that I wanted closure. I knew where the person who abused me lived. So one day I went to see him.I met him,I had a coffee with him and I said that I forgave him.and then I came home. That was the day when I had closure. For me the greatest gift that a human being has is the gift of forgiveness. I have done my part. I am now 57yers old.
Laura you should speak to some one professional, a counsellor or doctor. In my day we did not have access to doctors and counsellors like now a days. The sooner you speak to a professional the sooner you will be able to get back to normality. Please speak to someone real soon. do not listen to your mother. She has not got your best interest in her heart.

Answer 2

You do not need a counseller
or a shrink
or a doctor
or anything like that.

And the reason your mother wants you to get on with it is because if it came out then it would make her look bad for not doing anything about it when it was happening, irrespective of if she actually knew or not, that is just the way the world works.

The fact that you are admitting something as dreadful as this has happened to you and you are admitting it in public (although you are still relatively hidden behing your screen) means that you are nearly half way to exorcising the demons within yourself.

As probably most others have said, what happened to you was in no way your own fault, although it is something you have had to deal with.

Perhaps you have a really close friend that you could discuss this with or perhaps you feel that they would think less of you if you did.
It is definetly a tricky situation.
My only true advice to you would be to consider and ask yourself what way you think you can work this out. I am not saying you have to deal with something like this solely on your own, but what I mean is ask yourself, do you say to so and so or to somebody else. do you tell them everything or hold back on some stuff.

You also mention about something like this going on your medical record, well I am pretty sure that this would never happen.
What you may want to consider is maybe speaking to your doctor or gp and ask for some advice, they may well be able to point you in the correct direction.

But remember the final decision on how you handle this has to come from yourself, it is the only way that you can truly solve it.

I hope you all the best and hope everything works out for you.

Answer 3

All I can really say is see a doctor, doesn't matter how long you have gone without talking about it obviously it does affect you, and on a real level where you are conscious of the problem but feel unable to deal with it. It can be difficult to get help, abuse it seems does not mean instant help, also many doctors as well as people in general do feel if it happened a while ago you don't need the help, which is the total opposite, it's had time to fester and not only do you have the initial problem itself but all problems that have occurred as a result – I don't know you, but I think I can safely assume this effects you if not on the level of depression then perhaps the way I which you interact with people or deal with things on an emotional level.

Answer 4

But your mother is wrong, it is affecting you. A lot. Unless you do the work to heal from this, it will go on affecting you for your whole life.

It's not an easy problem to get past -- I know, because I've watched more than one person I love struggle with it. I think your mother is mistaken, and that it would be a big help to you to go to go talk with a good therapist (probably something like weekly for several years). If you want, it should be easy to get your therapist to keep his or her records out of your general medical records.

While I understand your desire to keep this secret, you don't actually need to feel that way: you are the victim, not the perpetrator. You didn't do this: he did it to you. You didn't want this. There's no stigma attached to the fact that someone committed a crime against you, and there's no reason why you need to keep this a secret. You're just in the habit of feeling that way, a feeling that it's very likely your abuser deliberately instilled in you.

As well as strongly encouraging you to go talk to a psychologist, I think you should also seriously consider going to the police and reporting the man who abused you. Depending upon the legal details of the case, they may or may not be able to prosecute 14 years later (personally I hope they nail the b*st*rd to the wall), but at the very least you should be able to get a restraining order to ensure he stays far away from you. Even if you can't get him thrown in jail, you might very well be able to sue him for the harm he has done to you.

Answer 5

What you are seeking is what psychologists call "closure". An end to the matter, and it's effect on you. You lost something precious to you. What you are suffering is grief. Grief has several stages that finally lead to acceptance, release and closure. Trouble is, people can get stuck anywhere along the way, and never move through the stages. It sounds like you're past denial, but stuck somewhere between anger and bargaining...
The nightmares and paranoia are clear indicators that you are holding on to your emotions instead of releasing them. You say that you are sick of that pervert affecting your life after all these years. Guess what? He isn't. You are. I know it sounds a bit twisted, but you are literally holding on to these negative emotions... "wallowing in them" to an extent. I can't tell you why you're doing this, but I'm certain you get something out of it emotionally. Sympathy, perhaps, but more likely it is a good excuse not to face other issues in your life such as love, career, relationships, etc. If you're still "busy" dealing with past abuse, you don't have time to face current issues. You can avoid the risk of intimacy, striving for success, etc. very easily by reverting to fear. Which, I'm sure, is exactly what you're doing right now. Just how much of life are you avoiding at 19? You can't let go because harsh as it is, you don't want to yet.

Understand grief. Then understand what value you get out of holding on to this ancient history; why you're hanging on to those emotions. Understand he is no longer controlling you. You are. Lastly, something you may not have quite figured out yet...

It's not your fault.

Answer 6

Oh no, I'm so, so sorry for what's been done to you. It was a terrible thing and the person who did is very sick. In no way was any of it your fault, I hope you know and believe this.

You're so right, you really need to talk about this with someone. You should be able to talk to your GP, even if it goes to your medical record by law the doctor is not allowed to talk to anyone about it without your prior consent. I don't think yoy will be able to get rid of the bad memories until you do process the whole thing through with someone who has the ability and skills to help you.

I think your mum doesn't really know how to handle the situation and that's why she's trying to shush the whole thing. I'm sure she loves you and is hurt by this thing just as badly as you are, but mums are humans too and sometimes they behave the wrong way.

Try to search the internet for phone help lines in your area. If going to the GP is too daunting, you can always call these helplines and talk to a trained councellor without giving your real name, etc. They will also be able to guide you to the right direction for more help if necessary.

I hope you will receive the help and encouragement you need, and are able to break free from your nightmare.

All the best,
- RachelK

Answer 7

My best friend was sexually abused when she ws five by her Dad. She didn't start seeing a counsellor until she was in her early thirties, and five/six years later, she still goes to see her counsellor occasionally. This has really helped her to sort out her inner feelings. She used to hate herself and feel she was to blame. It really affected her on the inside, but no one would have guessed looking at her what turmoil was going on underneath. The only way for this pervert to stop affecting your life is to see a counsellor. Your doctor can recommend one for you. Don't expect it all to be sorted in a few sessions. It will take a while for you to get comfortable with your counsellor, and be able to open up with her / him. If you can't build up a rapport, then ask to see someone else, otherwise there's no point. You won't see any results straight away, but in time you will be able to 'put it in a box' and forget about it most of the time. Don't worry about records. You are not going to be 'labelled' as a freak or anything. Lots of people visit counsellors for lots of ailments;stress, phobias etc. While ever he is in your thoughts, he is still affecting how you live. Seek help...you are so young and will be able to have normal relationships without this affecting them Good Luck :-)

Answer 8

Of course you need help and support, but it seems your mum wont be bale to help much for whatever reason. Who was this person? If they are family then you really need to sort this out. I'd first go to my GP (if theyre well known to you) and just say what you said in your message. You'll feel better after having discussed it face to face with someone. They will also arrange counselling. This should help you, but do you want to take it further? Who is this person abusing now? Have you thought of going to the police? To be honest I had this at the same age but didnt tell my mum until I was almost 30. The creep was dead by then and my mum handled it badly and it messed our relationship up...If I had the choice again I'd do the same thing because this pecks at your head and you need to tell someone everthing. It wont go away but you really will learn to live with it. I wish you well but you really must talk to someone..its like lifting a huge weight off your shoulders..

Answer 9

i can tell this is bothering you so badly and that is totally understandable. i certainly think you need to see someone, there are all kinds of places you can go, you can call the battered women's shelter and i am sure they can direct you to a place where you can get help. it is never good to gloss things over on the outside when things are not great on the inside and you are suffering because of it. what i don't understand is if you mom knows about the abuser why didn't she notify authorities? the thing is if he abused you, he has certainly abused other children, they don't just magically stop! and you haven't gone "this long" without it affecting you, it is affecting you! how could it not? by all means, seek someone out that you can talk to and let your anger and hurt OUT! only then can you start the road to healing that you so badly need. my heart goes out to you and i think you are very brave to confront this issue in your life so you can go on. this was not your fault and you shouldn't have to suffer for it, but that abuser NEEDS to be stopped! best of luck to you and my prayers are with you.

Answer 10

Deal with it now, or when you try to have a healthy relationship with a man you love. Either way, there's a hill you have to climb. Sorry--it's really not fair.

If you can't afford to see a counselor and there are no free services in your area (there probably are if you look) a priest/pastor...whatever, can talk to you in confidence--legally, with no record. I'm not recommending the Catholic Church, nor am I a Catholic, but they do have priests available at almost anytime, and they'll be happy to talk to you whether you're a Catholic or not.

As for your medical record, particularly that of a mental health practitioner, it's one of the most confidential documents there are. That should be the least of your concerns.