How come women don't want to date a recovering alcoholic?

Question

I''m a recovering alcoholic and and have no social life anymore. I can't seem to make any friends at all in AA, and I don't think I will ever get over my ex-girlfriend unless I start dating someone else.

I've tried MATCH.COM and another site, but I always get the same answer, sometimes immediately. Either women:

1. Just don't want to date anyone that's a recovering addict/alcoholic.

2. Don't want to date anyone that doesn't drink.

I was just hoping someone could tell me why?

I'm 45, single, live alone and a pretty nice guy. Women in recovery generally don't date men in recovery. I don't think i'll ever find a wife.

Answer 1

Depending on how long you have been "recovering" from both alcoholism and your break up (and I wonder if they were somehow related), you need to first focus on being happy & confident with yourself. Finding someone to date or marry should be a secondary priority. Stop focusing on what you don't have in your life, and on what you do have. Find an activity that motivates you, and you may meet others with the same interest. Don't try to meet women in bars. First become comfortable being alone with you, and before you know it others will feel the same. If you try all this and still haven't made progress, then you can go back to whining about it.

Answer 2

Let me give you the point of view of a women and ex-wife of an alcoholic. I was married 5 months to an alcoholic. It does not matter that you are recovering,although I commend you for your effort and truely wish you all the success in the world. What matters is that word. "Alcoholic". That is a small word with HUGE implications. To a-lot of women it is a stereotypical word associated with money wasting, physical and other kinds of abuse or risk of such, pain for them, and many other bad things. Most women do not want to risk being with someone who is recovering from ANY addiction because of the very real chance that that person will backslide. They do not want to deal with that. The truth is that the words "addiction" and "recovery", are scary. Right or wrong, that is ultimately the way it is. Then again, the truth is also that in these cases, those women are looking at your baggage and NOT at YOU for who you are and obviously discrediting a very real and valiant effort on your part to change this important thing about yourself. If you truely want to find someone who respects you and values you for who you are, try looking in better places. Church, etc. Get involved in highly positive things so that people can see THAT side of you and so that THAT will take the focus off of who you WERE and put it where it belongs which is WHO YOU ARE NOW! Give people a chance to see the new you and don't allow yourself to gain the belief that your effort is not worth it. Time heals all things and it will this too. Be patient and concentrate on what you can do to improve your self-presentation. Everything else will eventually work itself out. Good luck! You never know. Your poitive actions MAY cause the right person to find YOU. Best wishes and keep up the good work. Do not lose faith in yourself or in others. Patience is a virtue!

Answer 3

If it has been a short while that you have been in recovery they may fear that you would "fall of the wagon." If you have been in recovery for a long period and are doing well there is no reason at all why they should be that way. Maybe you need to explain that all alcoholics are "recovering" alcoholics as long as they don't drink. There is no cure for this disease, so alcoholics who don't drink are really in "recovery." Some people may not know this.

Answer 4

I wouldn't go advertising that you're in recovery; say you don't drink. If your going through a dating service, women want a prime catch with no baggage, saying you're "in recovery" is an automatic disqualification.

Try to meet someone in real life and get to know them a bit before you start pouring out life story.

Instead of focusing on more meetings, get out and find some pleasant activities that don't involve drinking where you'll meet women or other men who will end up introducing you to women they know. You sound down on yourself and that kind of self-image is only re-enforced in the rooms.

Look around church basements where meetings are held, do those people really seem "happy, joyous, and free"? Move yourself upstairs where you're more likely to meet some non-drinking women who don't come with an entire set of matched baggage.

Answer 5

No one is perfect! But why make it a focal point in your life that your are in recovery. I am sure there is more to you than that! Try advertising yourself for the great person you are....what you like and dislike, that will be way more attractive and positive than your former addiction.

Answer 6

Wow! You almost made me cry at my desk at work! Seriously!

I have a part time job (aside from my full time job) as a personal trainer. Don't smoke, drink some...never used drugs...and my boyfriend (same age as you, he is 9 years older than me)...is a recovering cocaine addict and recovering alcoholic......Oh, all the warnings I got from people......and it hasn't been easy.......been together two years now...cannot imagine life without him......

We met on the street..of all places!!!!!! : ) I was taking the garbage out......and there he was!

Good luck to you....your special lady is out there!

Answer 7

Youdidn't say how long you have been sober. If it has ony been a short while you will need to give it time, show people you have really changed. Things don't happen over night.