I am going to leave my husband of 24 years. How can I tell him with the least emotional fallout?

Question

He has never worked a full time job, I always worked. He used an inheritance to pay monthly bills so now it is all gone and I have no savings because most of my earnings paid for monthly bills. We are facing our 60s with no savings and a heavily mortgaged house. When I ask him what he thinks we will live on, he says he has faith that things will work out financially.

He cheated on me with other women.

While not actually abusive, he has not treated me well.

I stayed with him til our child was grown. That was my choice.

Although I have a lot of anger and bitterness toward him, I also can not bring myself to hate him entirely.

I think he will be crushed by my leaving.

He says he loves me but I think he is just afraid of losing his meal ticket and being alone.

I'm hoping that my leaving will be a reality check that he really has to get a full-time salaried job.

So, what is the best way to break the news with the least amount of emotional angst for both of us?

Answer 1

Tell him you found a new boyfriend and he's a black crack dealer. He'll head for the hills - trust me on this one.

Answer 2

You asked a very hard question, and I have read some of the answers you have recieved. You have been the usual smart remarks, but you did get some that were good. I am so sorry, and there is no easy out here. We don't know him, and we don't know how is going to react. If he has never been violent towards you then tell him straight up. Face to Face. If you are afaird of him for any reason, do it by a letter. Yes, he deserves more after 24 years, but you also didn't think you being getting a divorce either. Make sure you are prepared for the fall-out. Have a place to go, and all the neccessary things you need for your new life. He may end up on his knees before you promising you the world, so be prepared for that also. Are you going to take him back if he promises you the world. Tears, screaming, and pure anger at you-there can be a number of ways that he is going to try and get back at you. Emotionally be ready, as well as, financially. You had enough, so stick to them guns, girl, and get to talking or writing...pick up the phone if you ready now. Don't let him belittle you either! You done the best you can, with what you had, and you tried. So, do the next step to a happy future for yourself. Take care, good luck and God bless....

Answer 3

Why did it take so long for you to make this decision? You said it was for the child, but sometimes its not better for the child. You said that your near 60, and he has never had a full time job, does he have any qualifications for a job? If your leaving anyway what does he need the reality check now for should have been a long time ago. There is really not going to a a "least emotional angst" as you call it you are looking at 24 years together, unless he doesn't care or give a da** there is going to be emotional stuff going on.You speak so bitterly of him I think it is time for you to cut ties with him because I can't see it getting any better. Best of luck in your decision.

Answer 4

You have made your list of all the reasons why you want to leave but then you say, "he'll be crushed if you leave". I have a horrible husband but the good out weights the bad. I am not done kicking his *** but...
You so don't want to be the bad guy here so I say..Marriage counseling full stop. This gives you both the second chance you are screaming for. This will let him know you are serious and a safe area to voice your issues.
If he doesn't change, leave.
If he refuses to go to counseling, tell him you will leave and it isn't open for discussion.
Oh yeah and one last thing....go to the court house and get the forms. Fill the forms out. Find a marriage counseler and make an appointment.
On the table you have a divorce papers and an appointment card. Tell him to pick . ALso have some bags packed in open view and most important, FOLLOW THRU or he will never take you serious !

Answer 5

WOW. that is a huge decision to leave your husband after being married that long. It seems as though you have voiced your concerns as to what troubles you.

I don't think there is a very easy way to do it. When I left my ex of only 8 years. It wasn't a surprise to him, it was a long time coming.

But for some reason I get the idea you are looking for an ultimatum from him, for him to change... not the fact that you really want to go. Is that true?

I personally left because I wanted to be happy and out of the mess I was in. I know that meant leaving him for good, not looking back. He frequently changed jobs and didn't really want to be a "grown up." Our communication became really difficult due to disrespect and dishonesty.

I would make sure that you know and understand your own intentions and what will truly make you happy. Maybe you should tell him your feelings and ask him to go to a counselor and resolve some issues..... And if that does'nt work, then go.

Answer 6

You cannot remove or avoid the pain of this breakup. It's your choice and you need to hold your ground no matter what your choice is. It will be difficult and you may change your mind several times but if you've decided in your heart what you need to do, YOU MUST STICK TO IT. You cannot continue living a false life and pretending to be happy. You will ALWAYS look back and wonder why didn't I leave.

You cannot continue to allow him to rely on luck or chance to get you by in life, you must be strong and begin to take charge of your life and do it the way you need to. Even though you are facing your 60's you still have lots of life to live and you should make it the best you can. Do not continue to struggle with him and try to just get by. You can do it. I know you can!

You say that he is not abusive but the fact that he has not taken responsibility and laid all of the on you, IS ABUSIVE. Mentally, emotionally, who's fault will it be when things DON"T work out? Yours of course, because you didn't continue to support him. You deserve better than that. If you have been taking such good care of him for this long, imagine how well you can finally treat yourself in the years to come :)

Answer 7

Wow! First of all congratulations for making it this far. 24 years is a REALLY long time to be married by today's standards. You have really stuck with it. Don't quit now. I wish I could convince you to stay with him & work it out. It sounds like you have really put a lot into the relationship. It would really be too bad to throw all of that away. I have been married almost 10 years and me and my husband have been through some very difficult times both emotionally and financially so I know how frustrating it can be. If you can find a good marriage counsellor to help you through some of the issues the two of you are dealing with maybe you could repair the damage and make it your marriage better than it has ever been. Best wishes to you.

Answer 8

there is no best way. I hope you realize that the best job he can hope for at his age, especially if he's been a bum his whole life, is as a greeter at Walmart.

Nobody's done him any favors in the past 24 years.

Don't bother trying to be gentle about it. Just be honest and keep it calm and as emotionless as possible.

He may get lucky and find another meal ticket - there are a lot more single women looking for a guy in that age group than the other way around.

How is your kid going to react? the child may be grown, but that still doesn't mean that he/she isn't going to get majorly upset at the divorce.

And don't, under any circumstances, offer to pay for his lawyer. Try to work out a no-fault divorce. Otherwise the remainder of the small amount you've tried to save will go to the lawyers as you fight over property. And be prepared to sell the house and start over.

good luck to you.

Answer 9

I appears that you are sure that you want to leave. and the best time to leave is when you're not angry, and bitter. You're fed up. But you stated earlier,"I'm hoping that my leaving will be a reality check that he really has to get a full-time salaried job." If he gets it together, are you willing to go back?
but anyways. If you have a history of many emotional disputes, and you plan on leaving anyway.....Just go.
When he leaves, pray, pack up everything you need and want. Then leave a note stating that you will call him soon, and the reason you made the decision not to comfront him personally is not out of fear but because you did not want any emotional bondage.
Do not apologize or ask for forgiveness.
Tell him that you are finally doing what is best for you, and that is all that matters at this point.
When you call him, make the conversation very calm and pleasant. If he BEGAN to rant and rave, shout and yell, or even make you feel bad or guilty....end the call calm and respectfully. You don't have to fight or be upset in your own home. Call him at a later date, and explain that you have your own standards and you are no longer living a bull **** life.
Now, if you want to get back with him, ...tell him what your standards are and stick to them. I hope that he listens and change, I would like for you to be with your husband. But I personally don't believe the statement "any man is better than no man."
No woman deserves to be cheated on or continually disrespected.

You deserve to be happy and free....WITH or without your husband!
I Hope The Best For You Dear.

Answer 10

properly first of all once you've been married for 22 years that makes you a minimum of 35? And if you're practise your boyfriend at severe college he won't be able to be more desirable than 20? Thats fairly a huge age enormous difference and not in any respect in basic terms that yet relationships with a student is particularly frowned upon, so certain your pastime will be affected. besides the undeniable fact that if you're particular you want your marriage to end then the perfect way is merely to inform him straight away out. clarify you've been getting close with somebody else and that the love you used to have for him has died. See how he reacts to this, he will likely ask who it is you're growing to be on the fringe of and lower back you'll merely might want to tell him straight away. risk is he receives very indignant so i'd make certain that there is someone contained in the homestead who will protect you (no longer your boyfriend) incase he will develop into abusive. yet make certain you've faith your boyfriend to be there for you once you and your husband are over. have you ever theory how he may merely be utilising you for sturdy grades, or for sex or to gloat to his acquaintances about having an older ladies. i'm particular he's a dazzling guy yet he's youthful, why would he prefer to be tied down? sturdy success, in spite of you do.

Answer 11

I know of people married for 40 years that have divorced for basically the same problem. Staying together for a child's sake was very unselfish of you. I commend you for putting up with an unhappy marriage for your child's sake.

As for the emotional fallout, it will happen but maybe not as badly since no children are at home and custody won't be an issue. As for your husband, he is very lucky to have had you for as long as he has. You can't live a life that isn't making you happy or not fulfilling your needs. I would hope that you can express your feelings of unhappiness to him. Tell him that you're drained physically, emotionally, and financially. Tell him that you were hoping for a secure life with him, but haven't found that.

Always start your conversations with "I" ... don't be up in his face with "you"... example... I am not happy. If I had financial security within our marriage, I would stay. I don't feel like this marriage is a partnership. I feel....

Don't say... You aren't worth the ink on our marriage certificate. You are a worthless, lazy, good for nothing....

I know that latter may make you feel better, but don't demean him when you tell him. If you need to write down your feelings before you tell him. Be assertive. You can do it.