why do i resent my birth mum?

Question

i hate her for what she did ie giving me up for adoption

Answer 1

This is such a difficult question to answer, especially without knowing the facts.
There may be a very good reason why she gave you up such as family pressure or maybe she was too young to look after you. I am sure she has thought about you every day since she gave you up, maybe with regrets of what she did.
Some mothers are unable to look after their babies because they have problems with drugs or alcohol, in which case you were very lucky to be adopted. Always remember one thing your adoptive parents had you because they truly wanted to, they have probably loved you unconditionally. If you have contact with your biological mother please make sure you re-assure your adoptive parents of your love for them. Listen to the things your biological mother has to say, however you will probably never feel as close to her as you do to your adoptive mum and remember you are not obliged to like her. Please do not allow this to ruin your life. Be happy and good luck.

Answer 2

Understandable - the person who should love you the most gave you up.

BUT what situation was she in? My four year old is the light of my life, I would die for her BUT if I had no money, was in an abusive situation and there was no other option than to give her up I would (it would physically and mentally kill me to do so) because she would be better off.

How old was your birth mother? Was she in regular employment? Had she support to keep you?

My step mum was 14 when she had her daughter - she was forced by her family to give her daughter up. She never stopped looking for her and was one of the people that made it possible for birth parents to leave messages for their children in adoption cases.

You are bound to feel resentful but please find out the reasons for your adoption first.

Good luck x x x x

Answer 3

Hun this must be very hard on you. You must have a lot going on in your head right now. I dont know the whole story but there must have been a reason for this, i.e she might have though that she could not have given you a good upbringing and though that this other familt could, she could have been young and her parents told her to. There are always reasons for this, please find out first before you start disliking your biological mum. You must have some feelings/care for her otherwise you would not have put this question on. Dont start negitive before you have not got your biological mums side of the story. There must be a good reason for her doing this at the time it happened. She must have been thinking whats best for you and not her. Talk to her and find out why this happened. Keep an open mind. Good luck I hope you find happiness with your biological mum.

Answer 4

I had horrible nasty feelings towards my birth mother too. Not because she put me up for adoption, but just because she didn't look after me properly the first few years of my life....my step dad abused me. my dad came and rescued me and I lived with him and his new wife, who I call my mum. She's looked after me since I was 6 and a half. She is my mum and I love her dearly. My birth mother I have no time for and never will. I see it as her loss. I used to be very angry about it too, but over time, and with some counselling, I got over the hatred and the feelings changed to indifference. She is now only someone who carried me for 9 months, nothing more, nothing less. Get some help, talk out your feelings. You'll probably rant, rave, even cry. That's natural. I wish you all the best, good luck x

Answer 5

Probably because you feel as though she rejected you, but she didn't! Not really at all, she didn't know you but she did know herself and in most cases they would make a different choice if they could. Most mothers give up their children for adoption out of the most incredibly intense sense of love and responsible and desire for the child to have better than what they can give them. And its very, very hard to do, it would probably be easier to do the selfish thing and keep the child for yourself even though their life would be so hard. She wanted you to be loved and cared for in a way she just couldn't give, not because she didn't WANT to but her life was probably just a mess and she thought you deserved better than her, not that she deserved better than you. Real, true love is about doing whatever is best for the other person, even if it hurts you and I'll bet thats what happened here. I almost did this once but i was too chicken and couldn't do it sometimes I think he would have been far better off if i had been brave enough to go through with it. He's 21 now and just thinking about it still breaks my heart so believe me it wasn't easy for her and probably still isn't. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive her and make the most of the life she endured so much pain for herself to give you! Good luck to you!

Answer 6

I went throught this emotion for years and now I feel pity for her - but there are still times i resent her for it but dont hate her anymore ....i am trying to pluck the courage to look for her .... but we must accept there decision and not let it chew us up --- dont hate her but feel for her and remember every day of her life she must suffer the pain of giving you away -
Dont get upset by it - she would have had good reason and most possibly no choice and by doing so would have been cause she loved you so much and wanted you to have a better life . Try and talk to some one or find out why she did give you up and live your life now and enjoy -

Answer 7

A lot of adopted kids go through this, but try to understand why she did it. If she were single and struggling, you could have thought you'd be better off with two parents with an education...

Maybe you won't hate her so much if you allowed yourself to contract her and find out what she's about. You may be surprised.

Answer 8

I don't see why. There are many reasons why kids are put up for adoption. I think being adopted is cool and I'd definitely want to adopt a kid.

Answer 9

i am sure she gave you up for a Good reason. Most mothers have a good reason for it when they give up a kid for adoption. Do you know why? Were the special circumstances? Maybe if you had some answers you wouldn't be so angry with her.

Answer 10

REJECTION I would imagine.

Just try and remember society moves quickly, and situations for people change, maybe she had strict parents, no support, a thousand reasons. Perhaps you need to put yourself in her position and see it from her point of view.

She may have considered abortion, desertion, or even neglect?

MAYBE she actually did you a big favour?

I hope you find a more comfortable level with her one day.