we don't sleep together,make love, touch, very talk anymore, we sleep in separate bed.?

Question

the thing that is missing is sex. should i go out and find me another woman for sex? don't rec'd counseling, etc. we don't drink, fight. about 15 years ago she threw away our wedding rings. since than i'v always believe our marriage was over. what kept us together this long is the kids. they're all grown. is it time to move on? i am someone has gone thru this before. what did you do? give me some pointers. how do i get out of this marriage without so much hurt for both of us?

Answer 1

You need to figure out why you need to still be together and see if a split can be amicably achieved.

Answer 2

If you want it to work, get help! If you don't then just get the divorce. the immediate pain of divorce is a thousand times better than a lifetime of the pain that now exists. Something is obviously very wrong here. You can either go all out to find out what that is and try to fix it OR you can get out and move on to something better. Which do you feel is the right one for you? That is a personal decision no one can help you with. Wish I could be more help. Keep in mind that you can NOT change her. All you can do is change you and your situation in order to make YOU better. Her's is strictly on HER and that is something you can not touch! SHE has to! You have to do what is best for you! good luck and I hope you find the right way for you! Another thought is that something may be going on with her that she does not even understand and that could have a lot to do with her end of things. I do not neccessarily mean infidelity or anything like that, though it is certainly a possibility, I mean something like a problem with her body. Some medical or physical reason she is not interested in sex. I HAVE HAD THAT ISSUE FOR 6 LONG YEARS AND COUNTING! Talk to her. be attentive and willing to listen and be open to what ever she needs to say to you. SHe will not open up to you if she feels the slightest negative aura around the situation. Seek professional advice. You can do nothing if you do not know the source of the issues! Nothing except what I have already stated.

Answer 3

My husband and I went through years of this. You can read some of my replies that I have posted to other's if you want more details.

I wish that I could make all men understand that most women need to have an emotional connection with a man before being interested in sex. If a woman's emotional needs are being met, she will want to be close sexually.

It takes months to repair a damaged relationship. You have to learn to go places with her that you don't want to go(she will know you are doing it just to please her), pay her compliments to let her know that you find her beautiful and desirable. Most importantly, TOUCH HER IN NON-SEXUAL WAYS and don't expect it to lead to sex. That is my biggest pet peeve with men. Many men only want to touch a woman when they think it will lead to sex. That is just the biggest insult to a woman. Learn to hold her hand while watching TV. Learn to touch her hair and her face and to look her in the eye.

My husband would try for three or four days and then he would start with the "grabbing" again. He expected sex because he had managed to be "good" for a few days. It would end up in a fight and that would totally erase the efforts that he took to try to get emotionally close with me. It's so difficult to put into words.

Anyway, your wife EXPECTS you to show up every day after work. She's gotten away with ignoring you for years now. She thinks that you won't leave until the kids are grown.

Once she sees that you are serious about leaving her, she'll be all over you for sex.

If you really don't think there is a future for you two, ignore her advances and go through with the divorce. It's quite possible, though, that once she sees that you are really done with her behavior, she'll straighten up for good. Women are strange creatures.

I would say that it's going to hurt both of you no matter how you go about it. Divorce after all those years together will feel like a death in the family. You two as adults will survive it. Just make sure that you talk with your children and let them know that there is nothing they can do to change it. Don't talk badly about their mother and make sure that they know you will always be there for them. Best Wishes.

Answer 4

You just get out of the relationship. The hurt will go away eventually. From the sounds of it she hasn't been a part of the relationship in a long time. You should've divorced years ago. Your kids would've gotten over it as long as you two were there for them. Instead, you chose to stay together and show your children that marriage is a horrible thing. It is well past time for you to move on with your life.

Answer 5

Sex and intimacy is crucial to keeping the connection and love in any relationship. If your children are grown I think it is time to go separate ways. Especially if she has thrown the wedding rings away...this to me is hugely symbolic. Break ups are never easy or pretty and there is really no way to make it easy. Its like ripping off a band aid. The sooner you do it the better off both of you will be. Staying together is prolonging the anguish both of you feel and if 15 years has yet to fix the problem it wont happen in another 15!

Answer 6

Well, sounds to me like the hurt has been done. Just go to her and tell her that you both have obviously been in this thing for the kids and you've been under the impression that its been over for quite some time. Shall you make it official or give it one last shot? See what she thinks? I'm sure you're both on the same page but cheating after all this time when you've played it straight would just be a crime. You've gone this far. Take the final step before you try to get laid.

Answer 7

Sounds like the marriage is dead, just have a funeral for it and be done, Why would she throw away the wedding rings.. that makes no sense, obviously you would both be doing each other a favor if you went your seperate ways.
You said the children are grown, so what keeps you, as others have already stated, sit down with her and tell her you are going, and then get on with your life, I always think life is too short to prolong things.

Answer 8

I think you and your wife need to sit down for a long talk. First you need to think about 2 things: what are your needs in the relationship, and what do you want? When you know that then you need to ask her the same questions. See what she is willing to give to meet your needs/wants, and what you can give to do the same. I recommend you take her out to buy her some new clothes, get her hair done, manicure, pedicure, and dinner before you broach the topic. That way she will already feel you care and believe that you are willing to do the work necessary to put your marriage right. Leaving is a last resort. Make the effort with her first!

Answer 9

Isn't a loveless marriage hurting you both as much as hurting when you leave? People outgrow one another and it seems that has happened to you. Staying for the kids really didn't help the kids or you. You have both robbed the other of finding true happiness. The third time could be the charm, don't be scared to move on, Time Waits for No One.

Answer 10

If you really want to know I think no one would be hurt if you and your wife decided to split, because the hurt has been going on for years. It's not like your kids dont know that your not happy together so there's nothing to hide. I know from experience what going through an unhappy home is like, because my parents are divorced now. So it would be better if you did something that made you happy instead of suffering. Besides your kids are grown so your only reason for staying is gone now!! DO WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY!!!

Answer 11

If she threw the wedding rings away and you're not having sex, then I'd say it's over. You need to just face the facts and move on. Find a woman that wants and respects you because you're current wife doesn't. (make sure you get a divorce first)