they are 8 and 11 and my wife is leaving after 14 years for another man
2006-07-19 08:11:36 · 9 answers · asked by ciuajj 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Short and Long term, the most helpful thing for your daughters will be the ability of you and your ex-wife to get along.
o You must maintain a cordial and respectful relationship so you will have the ability to manage your parenting plan. (I suggest you Google "Parenting Plan"). There will be a lot of shared parenting arrangements to iron out for the next ten years, and you will have disagreements that will need to be resolved.
o Be supportive of your daughters' relationship with their mother. Never speak ill of her...if you want to let off steam, do it with your friends. Always remember, they are "half her". Also, your children are not your friends nor your confidants. That's what you have guy friends for.
o The other man is not the issue for your daughters and you have to, unfortunately, go against your emotional tide and focus on what is best for the girls, not on how to "get back" at your ex-wife. This new man will have a role in your daughters' life, like it or not, and best that you like it, like him and can at least be respectful towards each other.
o Show them that you are an emotionally healthy person that is handling this difficult change in your life in a way they will admire in the future. Be a role model for the difficulties they will inevitably develop in their own life. Take the highest ground you can find.
o Children are very resilient as long as they are loved and respected and well cared-for.
2006-07-19 08:48:13 · answer #1 · answered by twentyfourseven 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I am the wife who wants the divorce after 12 years, and I talk to my kids but also listen and I never bad mouth their father. He doesn't want this and I'm not leaving for another man, I have so many very good reasons and I'm sure your no saint. Try to get past you and see your kids, help them and don't make this about you. Really the most important people in this is them, not you.
2006-07-19 08:34:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
They will probably be really confused and may have feelings of guilt - lots of kids ask themselves if things would be different if they had behaved differently. Sit down and talk with them. Ask them if they have any questions or worries, explain that this is in no way related to how you or their mother feel about them. You are going through a tough time right now and you are also going to have to be strong for your daughters, but being there for them whenever they need you will help you all. You might find it helpful if you have a friend or family member who you could talk to about it all, so you aren't having to do this with no support.
2006-07-19 08:25:28 · answer #3 · answered by bertha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all make sure they know it has nothing to do with them and tell them how much you both love them and then show them. Counseling is a good idea. Being there for them is the best idea. Answer their questions. Don't talk bad about their mom. Make sure they know you BOTH love them and nothing can change that!! Try to move past both of your issues and communicate with each other for the kid's sake. They should never be allowed to play one against the other - while they may like getting their own way it is more harmful to them to do so in this manner.
2006-07-19 08:25:25 · answer #4 · answered by Jill M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, get a counsellor, now, for you and your wife, have it out there, not in front of the kids. As long as she wishes to divorce you protect yourself, and your family, get an attorney, and a counsellor for you and the kids. They already know the sh* has hit the fan, now assure them they are not the cause, and you both will be fine, then, fight the divorce on adultry grounds, and take all you can get from it... and move on!
2006-07-19 08:18:17 · answer #5 · answered by R. W 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a tough one. You do not want to cut the mother down even though she is at fault. You need to tell the mother to explain the truth to the girls. Then you need to be there for them. That will mean extra time spent with them for a long period of time. The girls will have a hard time with this because they probably think the world of you and they just flat won't understand. If you can take them on picnics, swimming, amusement parks (with their friends), let them have sleepovers, etc. This will greatly cut into your personal time, but their mother made that choice for you.
Whatever you do, do not allow yourself to become bitter and cut their mother down in front of them. You will need to talk. Talk to your pastor or other professional counselor to vent your anger on them. They will still need their mother although they will rely on you a lot more than her because she will have hurt them. Reassure them they had nothing to do with their mother's decision. They will need to hear that more than anything and they will need to hear it over and over and over again. Please do not lose your patience with them as they will have many, many questions and a lot will be about what they could have done differently to keep mom at home. Assure them they could have done nothing, it was mom's choice and hers alone.
Good luck. I have 2 daughters and 4 granddaughters and have seen the damage that adults can do to kids.
2006-07-19 08:31:20 · answer #6 · answered by snddupree 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is such a tough one. I'm so sorry for you and them. The best thing you can do is LOVE them with all your strength! Give your heart and soul to them completely and be totally emotionally available to them. Hug them all the time and tell them every chance you get how very much you love them so they are constantly aware of it. Communicate with them as much as you possibly can. Listen to them. Encourage them. All of this seems impossible when you are hurting as much as they are but what you give them, they will return in kind and you will heal together! Cry together, share the emotional roller coaster together. STAY CONNECTED IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE!!! Get a family councellor and go to them together. DO what ever it takes to work through it together. GOOD LUCK!!!! YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS!
2006-07-19 08:23:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't ever badmouth your wife to them; no matter how awful she is, she's still their mom. And when you spend time with them, focus on them, not your wife. If you avoid putting your kids in the middle of it, they should come out all right.
2006-07-19 08:17:33 · answer #8 · answered by Jane T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
SHES DISCOVERED BLACK MEN, SHE WILL NEVER COME BACK
2006-07-19 08:14:35 · answer #9 · answered by Fowl Language 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋